Divine Extravaganza

Fall....divinely beautiful.

Exquisite colors against the backdrop of ever changing skies.
Blowing winds toss flaming leaves about in a delightful frenzy.
Grass still green and lush, a carpet rolled out for the divine extravaganza.
Flowers proudly displaying their profusion of bright hues in a grande finale before the curtain drops.
Sun breaks through and bits of warmth remind us of the not so distant summer.
Harvest abounds...apples hang thick like candies on the trees and gardens render the last of their produce into eager hands.
Huge bales of hay decorate fields as they await transport to dry winter homes.

How is it that before the darkest, coldest season there is such earthy celebration?
Rich colors, smells and tastes. Cool, brisk winds awaken the senses.

And then the curtain begins to drop.
Slowly, but surely, darkness encroaches, cold brings dormancy and death.

But wait...listen carefully for the quickening heartbeat!

Is this the Creator's dance of celebration?
His excitement finds expression and it is glorious in its beauty.
Knowing that one day soon there will be no more death.
The great reunion is near, the coming unity and the lifting of the veil.

Sing, dance with Him!! Don't fear the darkness or impending death.
It is merely foreshadowing of brightness, of unending light.

Celebrate the darkness which leads to eternity!!

times of refreshing

It's been over a month since I've had anything to say here... And looking at my last post I realize it's probably time to update!

I'm moving on and am not stuck back in that sad season of saying goodbye to my precious dog and the ending of summer.

Oh the goodness of God. Seasons change, There are beginnings and there are endings and there are the inbetween times to persevere and give thanks to God for the gift of life. And I do want to give thanks. It feels like a new season has begun in many ways.

After our tearful farewell to our dog, we were thankfully able to take our summer vacation. It was a good time to get away and what an adventure we had! It was a road trip down to the Oregon Coast, so we left with high hopes, laughter in our hearts and a good friend to enjoy the journey with. Ah the joys of zipping down the highways with music flowing all around us and marvelous scenery to delight our eyes.

That first day was a whopper to say the least! We took a "wrong turn" at Naches and ended up driving for hours and hours through some amazingly gorgeous national park in Washington. We were stunned by the beauty and this whole part of the trip caught us completely by surprise! Isn't that just like God to turn a "mistake" into something beautiful. And the really lovely part of this whole turn of events was that we ended up in the area where our former nanny lives, so that settled the whole issue of whether or not we would have time to stop in and see her. She was not originally on the itinerary, although there was a desire to see her. After making the phone call to arrange a visit, we spent a long, grueling time searching for a place to sleep. It was like we had landed on a planet with no hotels, and we were in the city of Tacoma! That was beyond our comprehension and at that late hour of the day we were desperate to crawl out of the car and SLEEP! After circling and driving and stopping for directions more than once we found a luxurious place to lay our heads and decided we wouldn't worry about the cost. Exhaustion overruled my plans to find a budget motel!!

After a sweet reunion with our nanny, lots of pictures, laughter and visiting, we gathered in a circle to commit our ways to the Lord. I do believe that was a God ordained detour and am grateful that we don't have to get bent out of shape when we take "apparent" wrong turns. What an amazing Shepherd we have...all knowing, ever loving and oh so trustworthy.

I did question Him a number of times during the trip concerning the difficulty of finding accessible bathrooms and lodging as this trip was particularly challenging in that area. However, we had a wonderful, wonderful time and the beauty and fun was definitely worth it! Ah the ocean, the the endless beaches, the sunsets, the shopping, the sand dunes, the marine life & the winding roads along the most incredible scenery, Our cups were full to overflowing. Thank you Jesus for times of refreshing!!

The day we spent driving home was once again full of surprises. We got up at some unearthly hour in the black of night so the girls could get home in time for a rodeo. The ride into the morning light was gloriously beautiful and the conversation and music were a delight. We were making such good time. Amazingly good time...when the car lost power. I pulled over to the side of the highway and a new adventure began. A kind motorist rescued us, in every sense of the word. He was a good Samaritan if I have ever seen one and he took us in his car to a place where we could "refresh ourselves" and where my phone had reception so I could begin the fun of trying to find a tow truck on the Sunday of a long weekend. Even though I had BCAA, they left me in charge of finding my own truck and the good samaritan was very helpful in that area. He took the girls to his home while I stayed in the vehicle to wait for the truck.

It was a good three hour wait and thankfully I am quite equipped for and accustomed to this activity. I was finally able to organize the crazy mess that the car had turned into and I felt very accomplished as I busied myself with this. I then worked my way through Bible readings, taking pictures of my scenic surroundings, writing in my journal, and snacks and drinks that were left in the vehicle. At this point I was very grateful for a couple of small cool packs we had along, as I was really starting to heat up! I was applying them to my neck and chest as the day grew increasingly hot. I think by the last hour the still air had reached around 34 degrees, so I was grateful when a car would zoom by and give me a bit of a breeze. The sight of that tow truck was a VERY welcome one and he just hoisted the vehicle up on the back of his tow truck, WITH ME STILL IN IT and away we went. I wondered if this was legal, but it sure simplified matters and I was ever so happy to have that breeze blowing through my window to cool me down.

Eventually the girls and I met up at the border where we travelled together the rest of the way home, having been rescued by another good Samaritan. I was very grateful to have BCAA, as the entire trip home for my car was paid for. (I am hoping for a reimbursement that was promised for the US side of the journey!) Needless to say, the rodeo didn't happen, but we came home with alot of wonderful memories and though we were exhausted we were safe and sound. Many thanks to our precious Jesus for an unforgettable adventure!

My Precious Jewel

My sweet doggie returned to the dust yesterday. Many tears have been shed over the past few weeks as I have watched her slowly grow weaker...but we were still sharing sweet times and she was able to enjoy wandering through the orchard and visiting with us as we sat out on the patio drinking in the summer beauty. How she loved the parties on the patio when she might enjoy table scraps and just spend time with those she loved. She just assumed that everyone loved her...what a nice way to be. Digging herself a nice cool hole at the side of the house (or in my flower beds!!) to pass the hot afternoon hours or laying under the oak tree munching on a bone. The precious welcome as she recognized me and ran to meet me when I drove up the driveway, joining me in the garage and waiting for her neckrub as I got out of the car. Oh how she would leap and dance for joy when she knew I was driving out into the back field with her to give her a run around the orchard...and then the race back to the house along the side of the road. She got pretty good at taking shortcuts =), but she was fast!

The memories flicker through my mind, and I am brought to tears again...what a sweet gift she was for us. Such a gentle, kind, big beasty. Those lovely hazel eyes with the bushy brows hanging down over them. The beard, so comical & unladylike...often dripping with water from her latest visit to the watering hole - giving her the nickname "drool". Sweet, sweet doggie, such a gift from God for this season of our lives. I am so grateful to God for her and for the comfort and joy and laughter she brought to us.

God in His great kindness gave us these sweet animals to treasure. They speak to me of His character. The simple, pure devotion in Jewel was another reflection of the character of God in my life. Her name, which she arrived at our home with, suited her perfectly. A precious gem, a jewel, she surely was. My heart aches, but I know I will heal. Just an animal...but one that I will never forget and feel privileged to have spent these years with. She was like a little piece of heaven here on earth and I surely hope the Lord has a nice place for her to enjoy wherever she is now. I can still hope that I'll see her in heaven, I don't care where the whole theology thing fits in. It comforts me to know that a God who is kind and creates such beautiful animals for us to enjoy will look after them as well. Wouldn't it be just so fun to have her be a part of the crowd that greets me when I get to my heavenly home?!

Thank you Jesus for the gift of Jewel. Thank you for your kindness to us through her. Thank you Jesus for the precious and beautiful creation which you gave us so generously to enjoy. A heart that thought up & created Jewel is a most beautiful & precious heart indeed. I love you so much, my precious Jesus...

surviving expectation

A tough day is drawing to a close for which I am grateful. God knew we'd need an end to each day and a fresh start the next morning so He gifted us with night time and sleep. Sweet relief. If you can sleep, that is!

Today at our church gathering we had a sermon on healing. Testimonies were given and bold proclamations were made. Faith in action. I was challenged to not grow cynical...but instead to maintain an attitude of expectation. That's not the easiest place for me, so I need to guard my heart and to keep myself from withdrawing and simply watching from a distance, or even more tempting, running away from the challange. Boy, did I want to bolt today - grab a friend and head over to Starbucks for a good visit rather than hear another sermon on healing. There's the honest brutal truth.

But I stayed. I need to be there if Jesus wants to talk to me, and there's that verse about "not forsaking the assembling of the brethren...". So I didn't forsake but I hid in the background. He surely knows my heart and the length of this journey I'm on.

It's grown particularly rough as of late. The muscle spasms that literally grab my body and arch my back repeatedly, throwing my neck out have been growing in intensity and frequency. They wake me up at night, sometimes going on for hours and keep me rolled up in a ball holding my knees to my chest waiting for the storm to calm. The medications only help a little - mostly I take them to help me to sleep through the rough patches and to keep things from going out of control. At the moment my body lies silent...a blessing of mamoth proportions. Never know when the bomb will go off again.

I've also felt the quiet tremors of depression trying to rock my world. It's a frightening thing, the darkness that descends on my spirit and the bleak future that seems to await me. I feel very alone and frightened. Abandoned and betrayed. Rejected. Nothing Jesus isn't intimately aquainted with. So I've got good company. But sometimes that company is awfully silent.

Today, during the message, people were urged to check for visible miraculous signs. But to tell you the truth, all I wanted was to get rid of my headache, or better yet my spasms!! That would be far more helpful in my case. The headaches are either migraines or caused by the wicked strong spasms, but wherever they come from I'd just love for Jesus to take them away. Would be even better to get rid of the spasms too, but I have to muster up my faith BIG TIME to go up for prayer about that one again. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting a little jaded. I don't want that. I want to stay real and soft before Jesus. The only word I got when I dared to ask Him about things was "perseverance". Yup. Working on that one. For quite some time now. "...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance and perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be MATURE & COMPLETE". James 1 (Karen's Memory Version)

I feel battle worn and weary. Wanting a new life...one that's not quite so limited and painful. But I admit that I'm whining again. Honestly, it's just been a rough road and I need to vent somewhere. The Lord rescued me today by sending me to my sister's place. Such a safe place. She loves me and serves me with such kindness. And she knows pain and depression and long hard journey's as well as I do. I was able to lie down, take a pill for my headache and rest. And then I got up...you just keep pushing ahead as much as you'd like to sleep your life away when it's so dark.

So we sat and talked, watching her sweet little finch and we laughed together. I was able to be so real and she hears me with no judgment or condemnation. She has suffered much and has much compassion and mercy. It was a healing balm to my soul. So Jesus showed up with skin on through my sister. And later my parents and auntie showed up and we had a lovely gathering on the back porch. Familiarity. Laughter. Love. Oh my, how quickly I forget how blessed I am when I allow myself to be overwhelmed by my grief. I drove away from there refreshed.

Tonight as the spasms and grief threatened to steal my peace again a verse came...and I must obey or I will be destroyed. I can't figure this all out. It's too big and too scary for me. But Jesus has the answers. ALL of the answers. About my body, my future and my loneliness.

"TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, Karen, and do not lean on your own understanding".

Ok. Help me Jesus is all I can say right now. Help me to trust you and not to do this on my own. Forgive me for my stubborn independence. You are everything I need. I will not worry about tomorrow but I CHOOSE LIFE & THE GIVER OF LIFE. I choose to trust that You will be true to your Word. I choose to worship.

Praise You Jesus, You are my Redeemer,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Wholeness,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Health & Healer
Praise You Jesus, You are my Savior & You wash me clean with Your precious Blood.
Praise You Jesus, because you are Worthy.
Praise You Jesus, You are my Fortress & my Resting Place
Praise You Jesus...Nothing is impossible for You!!!

Definitely Worth a 2nd Read!!

Today in my daily Bible reading I came upon 2 Chronicles 20. Now, to tell you the truth, Chronicles hasn't really been the most delightful read. There are alot of kings doing alot of their own thing instead of God's thing, but there are some great stories in there too. However, today's reading was a whopper!! I just love King Jehoshaphat's reaction to a huge attack leveled against him by "a VAST multitude". At first he was afraid which I can surely appreciate. But his fear had a positive effect upon him as "he resolved to seek the Lord" when he had heard this news. He proclaimed a fast for ALL of JUDAH so they would all seek the Lord with him and then he prayed the most magnificent prayer. This prayer is just so amazing because it reinforces the truth about who God is. How quickly we forget His omnipotence and think that the battle is ours to somehow win. Read this & be mightily encouraged!

"Lord God of our ancestors are you not the God who is in heaven, and do you not rule over all the kingdoms of the nations?
Power and might are in your hand and NO ONE CAN STAND AGAINST YOU...
Our God will you not judge them? For we are powerless before this vast multitude that comes to fight against us.
We do not know what to do BUT WE LOOK TO YOU." 2 Chron. 20: 6-12

After this beautiful, humble admission of truth, the Lord replies through the prophet Jahaziel:

"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast multitude, FOR THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS BUT GOD'S...position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord...tomorrow go out to face them for the Lord is with you!" vs 15-17

Don't you love God's advice for going into battle? We need to hear those words so often in life...and God says them often in the Scriptures...Do not be afraid. The beauty of all of this is that NOTHING has changed... God is still the God who is the ruler over all the kingdoms & the battle still belongs to the Lord. There is, of course, the important component of our obedience in warfare, but it doesn't change who God is and what He is capable of doing with or without our help!

The day of the battle, Jehoshaphat gets up and instead of just worrying about the physical aspects of the battle formation etc. etc., he makes sure that there are singers going in front of the battle formation "to praise the splendor of His holiness" and as they walked before the army they kept singing these amazing words:

"Give thanks to the Lord for His faithful love endures forever" vs. 21

And this next part is enough to make you want to stand up and begin praising right this moment...listen to this:

"The moment they began their shouts and praises the Lord set an ambush against [their enemies] and they were defeated". vs 22

WOOHOO!! You've gotta love that kind of warfare.
Sooo, the challenge in this moment for me, in this day, this week, this season of my life is to Give thanks to the Lord! To shout and praise Him and declare how incredibly good and amazing and powerful and wonderful He is. Over and over again. Every single day. Worship will win the battle. It puts everything back into proper perspective.

NO ONE CAN STAND AGAINST GOD. None of my enemies can stand against my God. And I know that ultimately I only have one enemy and I would rather look at Jesus and concentrate on His plans for me any day, rather than spend time looking at my enemy and getting freaked out.

So there it is. A powerful message in a book that hasn't quite been my favorite. I'm glad I'm persevering through the whole BOOK so that I come upon these treasures in surprising places!

The Gift of Family

And the month of July ends on such a cheerful note! A sunshiney day, children laughing, the BBQ sending out delicious scents, flowers, apple trees loaded with growing fruit and family coming together up at the orchard to celebrate.

My neice turned 29 today (for the first and only time, she says!) and it was a most wonderful reason to gather the family to celebrate. Four generations laughing around the table, eating the finest of fare and enjoying simply the best life has to offer. From the youngest at two, to the eldest at 81. The richness of such a gathering is not lost on me. The gift of it all is most amazing. God's grace and beauty in each face. Such uniqueness, hand picked and placed together for this short journey.

Bound together with love. OH I am so blessed!!

Despite the changes that have occurred in this group over the past years, there is something so powerfully enduring about the family unit. The solidness of my parents. A gift beyond measure. Nothing perfect here, except that God is in our midst. He creates the ability for us to laugh and to celebrate. To sing a corporate song over the honored one of the day and to gather for family pictures under the apple tree. The dog posing with her beloved tribe and the endless pictures snapped as we tried to get the two youngest both looking in the same direction with their tongues INSIDE their mouths.

Fun on the trampoline... more pictures, more laughter. Eager hands cleaning the kitchen...a kiss of gratitude. Wrapped up leftovers and bundling the children, gifts and flowers and guests into the cars.

I am truly grateful. Thank you once again Jesus for giving me far, far more than I deserve.

Just FUN

A God ordained day...full of surprises that bypassed the long list of "to do's" that I had begun to create upon awakening. There are so many things that need fixing and looking after right now. The computer, the car tires, finding a painter & stucco person, a yard that is out of control, carpet stains, homework!!! I woke up feeling distressed and wondering how I would get to all of these things...but God reminded me that it's just one thing at a time.

Of course. He is so incredibly sensible!

So I started with a shower (thank you Jesus for fresh running warm water, shampoo & clean towels!!! oooh I am just so blessed...) and thus began the day that didn't turn out at all as I had anticipated. I was hoping to get lots done on my list, but God just wanted me to have fun I guess. So he sent a sweet friend to pass the afternoon with. One that I hardly ever get to see - she flew in, visited with fun & fervor and flew out again. Knowing she was coming inspired me to get the house in order in fast motion which is always a bonus. Then it was dinner out with another friend that I rarely visit with on a social basis, the movie "EVAN ALMIGHTY" and a long visit.

The movie was just so much fun. I don't know when I've laughed so much, out loud at a movie. (well, except Nacho Libre which continues to amuse me greatly even after several viewings) I couldn't believe how much of GOD was in Evan Almighty!! A modern telling of some version of Noah's Ark with a bit of Moses' thrown in. (I guess they liked the staff and had to fit it into the story somewhere, even if it wasn't in the original - artistic lisence runs rampant). But the parallels were very cool to view in this day and age. So much about faith, sticking with your loved ones, trusting God, and obedience. I could hardly believe I was viewing this stuff in a movie theatre - God was just so THERE in a place where I don't often find Him! (Not many other people found Him there tonight either - there were maybe 10 of us in the whole theatre!)

The obedience thing seems to be a theme as of late with me and God. I'm wondering when I'll start to cooperate a little more quickly. But the movie even addressed the problem of our delays in moving ahead when God says "go"... There's grace for all of it and God is so merciful. But I don't want to continue to be one who obeys with delays...I'd like to delight God with some quicker obedience on a more regular basis. The disciplines...that eventually bring great reward.

So, tomorrow is another day and the list certainly hasn't gone anywhere. It'll be there when I wake up and His mercies are new EVERY MORNING!! So I ask for the grace to awaken with joy to do what Jesus calls me to... tomorrow.

it's going to be all right

In the midst of this gorgeous summer, with lovely, long lazy days full of light and heat and abundant life, I need to be reminded again that God is taking good care of me.

I got up this morning and headed into town for my eye appointment. My eyes are not so inflamed and irritated now so it's a better time to get them checked for a new prescription. I've noticed the vision in my left eye is definitely worse than the right and I'd like to get glasses that I can see clearly through. This is all a little disappointing because of all of the laser surgery I had done years ago, but I know enough to be grateful for how well I am able to see!! My eyes persistently seem to want to go back to their old ways! I left the eye doctor's office last time wanting to weep, because of how inflamed and scratched my corneas were. I was afraid of the blindness that afflicts many on my mother's side of the family. And now afflicts my mother.

So I returned for my new checkup and prescription. I found it incredibly hard to decide which was better "number one or number two"... And my left eye had a very hard time as it seemed to be hazy which I mentioned to the Dr. He carefully examined my eyes, again and again. He is very gentle, methodical and soft spoken. Finally he shared that his findings showed the beginnings of cataracts at the backs of both of my eyes. Worse in the left.

Wow. I never saw that one coming! At least not yet!! I thought old people got cataracts! Hmmm.

I left the office with my prescription and newfound knowledge. And I wanted to cry again. Even at this point trying to squeak out a word or two of worship...but not really entering into it. I got into the car where my daughter sat waiting and listening to the radio. The words of the song playing were something to the effect of "it's going to be all right". And I knew that God was speaking to me. I could choose to listen or enter into self pity.

It feels like another hammer blow. But He won't ever give me more than I can bear. He has promised that, I know. But, to tell you the truth I am amazed at times at how much He knows we are able to handle. And He just keeps trusting us to trust Him. Good thing the Holy Spirit lives inside of me, Kind Counsellor, Friend and Helper. I am amazed that He chooses to reside here, and am grateful beyond measure.

Beautiful, Beautiful Spirit of the Living God. Helping me to choose. Not to worry. To trust.. And to worship.

"To him who has ears to hear..." I need to stay closely tuned to that still small voice. The one that sometimes chooses to sing to me through the radio.

"it's going to be all right" Amen.

something new

I'm holding it carefully...daring to hope and believe. Something has fallen into my lap. Just like that. Out of the blue - a surprise from heaven it seems.

A vision. A future and a hope...

The last three years have been hard - physically and emotionally and in a lot of ways. Many things were pushed off my plate as I contemplated what I should, and could do with my limitations. Limitations which increased following that botched surgery I underwent in April 2004.

Words echo in my mind..."limited, but not restricted". They were spoken over me back in 1995 by someone in YWAM. I figured that was a no brainer. But they come back to me now and again. I haven't easily been held back in my life. I've got one of those strong independent personalities. But when a hammer hits you enough times, you begin to draw back and go into hiding. You begin to believe that you are more restricted than just limited and hope seeps out. You get really tired.

I knew I couldn't endure another lonely long winter like this last one was. Too much time, too little to do and too much "aloneness". By my own choice, strangely enough. But when you've struggled for so long on so many levels there's not tons of extra energy to go out and pursue relationships that you've let slide. Or to enter into the world of meetings and involvement and possible leadership again. It's become a strange world for me and in some ways I've felt more invisible and "unimportant" than I have for a long time. Maybe ever. It's not a bad thing to realize that you're somewhat dispensible and it's all God anyhow. It's just tough... and humbling.

So I thought about volunteering next fall at the school my daughter attends. I found out from my cousin that I could actually help kids with dyslexia and reading lag by taking a course this summer. It sounded pretty do-able. And it would give me something to focus on this summer as my daughter does her days of babysitting and other activities. Plus, I'd rather have an actual skill to go to the school with, rather than just be a body listening to kids read or recite. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just in me to want to do more. That part of me that worked hard to become a nurse to help others. That part of me that loves to teach kids how incredibly loved they are by God and how important and powerful His Word is for them.

I got the phone number of the woman in charge of the reading program and our conversations have been amazing. The woman who designed this course has captured my heart with her broad vision and her incredible love for God and people. I am amazed at her ability to look at life through this spiritual lens that sees much more broadly than learning something to teach others. Her perspective goes right to the vision of seeing the cycle of poverty in Canada broken for many through what she offers. Wow. I don't usually think like that but it inspires me immensely. So much so that I'm getting excited to get on board. In a bigger sense than just learning the course. She's inviting me in at a whole different level than I had initially anticipated.

Somehow, as we spoke our hearts connected and I felt like I had met a kindred spirit. The very same verse that I love to teach my Sunday School girls to give them a life vision, she began to expound on, and right there something clicked.

"For We are God's WORKMANSHIP, created in Christ Jesus,
To do good works, which God prepared, IN ADVANCE for us to do.
EPHESIANS 2:10

Another level of this verse, to lift kids out of traps and prisons they've been labeled into. To give them a future and a hope. To practically show them that they are a masterpiece, created to excell and to capture a vision of what they can do and be. To do something with the talents that God has given us. It's our responsibility to use those talents to their fullest. I was reminded by this incredible woman of that as well.

So, all this to say that I'm thinking, really thinking about what has been offered to me and offering it back up to God. It seemingly fell out of heaven, this opportunity to do what I love and to teach others to do the same.

If it's you God, I ask you to keep this vision stirring brightly in my heart. It's been a long time since I've felt a passion like this. It's been a long time since I've felt a hope for my future.

I'm excited! What does this mean for me?

And God says..."Behold I make all things new".

Traveling Lightly

At my sister's party, one dear friend gave her a beautiful print from an artist in our church. He also gave her a powerful scripture & music CD. Neither of these items were new - but he said once he's had something for a year he feels it's fine to pass it along. So he said the gift was from him and the artist. SWEET! I like that concept. ALOT!!

I've thought about the freedom this man possesses. He is one of the giants of the faith in my book. I hold him in highest esteem, and even though he possesses very little in the earthly sense, he is soooo RICH in the Spirit. He packs a big whack of the Spirit of God wherever he goes - carrying the most precious possession in great abundance, and freely giving it out wherever he travels. He spends hours walking and praying and meditating on the Word of God. So he's really, really rich in those things that matter. I am enriched when I spend time with him.

So, I wanna learn from him cause He's imitating Christ! Travelling lightly. Unencumbered, but rich in the things that will last into eternity and benefit everyone He meets. It certainly doesn't mean I have to get rid of everything, but I sure can't let things possess me. I've inherited some of that "post war" mentality - being a first generation Canadian whose parents went through the war and had to make do with very very little. I have that tendency to want to keep things "just in case". Not a good idea if I'm wanting to downsize and simplify.

Working this out on a practical level is a scarey, but intriguing concept. My life is somewhat complicated, simply because of the fact that I need so many things just to get me through a day. Wheelchairs, medical supplies, car lifts, hand controls, adapted housing...on and on the list seems to go. But even despite all those "necessities", I still have waaay too much junk that I drag along with me. What's with that? I barely made a dent in the huge pile the other day when I worked through my correspondance box and started in the cassettes.

So I'm going to ask Jesus to help me to simplify. To be generous, not to hoard, to give freely because I've received so much. And to tell you the truth it scares me to ask this of Him. He takes me at my word when I ask Him to deal with areas in my life. I shouldn't really be surprised at the ruthless pruning my life has been undergoing. And now I'm asking for more? Sheesh...but there's freedom at the end of it. I know it will be worth it if I'll just cooperate. Sooner rather than later I hope.

Jubilee Year

My sister turned fifty last Thursday and I'm just so grateful that she's alive!! Honestly, this year has been one of the hardest I've ever seen her walk through, wondering at times if she'd make it. I was so honored to be able to host her 50th birthday party. She was anxious leading up to it, but God just moved in and arranged the whole thing. It was one of the sweetest evenings we've enjoyed for a long time. The family gathered along with some precious friends and together we celebrated her fifty years and the gift that she is to us. God's presence was tangible - and there was joy all over my sweet sister! She radiated life - ah, answered prayers...long in coming, and still in process, but visible.

The evening was perfect...nice enough to sit outsite munching on goodies, watching the kids play on the trampoline, enjoying the beauty, mountains and big sky... Inside Elsie was playing her guitar, surrounded by flowers, balloons, gifts and cakes. Around her there was a group singing old worship choruses and lifting up the name of Jesus. He's the One - He is life - truly, "in Him we live and move and have our being". May we be more aware of this - living to honor the King. Living to love.

Elsie is really good at loving. And I've been the recipient of her kindness and love for as long as I've been alive. A more generous or devoted sister I would be hard pressed to find.

So I give thanks to the Father. For life, for family, for friends to celebrate with and for my wonderful sister... May this be a year of Jubilee for her.

there's WAY MORE!!!

Oh AGGRaVAtion!!

I was so pleased with myself, thinking I had sorted through all of my cassette tapes yesterday. However, upon sneaking back down into that dangerous storage room today I found MORE BOXES of cassettes. ARGHH. Really, if I haven't needed them in these last five years then I probably won't be needing them now. But I made the mistake of looking at a few of them and suddenly they seemed more important. What is with that?

I should let somebody else do this for me.

sorting & simplifying

I spent the day going through a huge box of old correspondance. Hundreds and hundreds of letters and cards sent or given to me over the years. Whew!! I'm still not through sorting and disposing, but am almost there. Trying to figure out how to keep a remnant of memories without all the bulk. The many seasons of life represented...

birthdays...so many already!!!
postcards from far flung friends
romantic cards, letters and notes,
leading to shower, wedding and anniversary cards
congratulations on the birth of baby cards...leading to
"I love you mommy & daddy cards"

the many many notes and cards following "the accident"
messages of hope and prayers from countless people,
some I didn't even know, but they took the time to pray and write

what a legacy
one life, documented in a box full of messages from others
tangible evidence of love

Hard to believe I would throw it away, but where does one store all of this goodness?
In my heart. Hopefully my memory won't fail me and I'll keep enough to remember that I have been well loved through all the seasons.

there are no stacks of cards mourning the loss of the marriage...
but lots of support - written and unwritten.

May I support others and bless them in the way that i have been supported and blessed.

So I will continue to sort and simplify. I will take none if it with me, but it's still hard to part with sentimental things.
I'm far too much of a "keeper" and at the age of 45 the piles of stuff have grown uncomfortably large.

I feel drained & emotionally spent, but gratified to have worked through so much. I hope I stay on this track and keep working through other boxes that are sitting in the basement. I KNOW we weren't put here on this earth to accumulate all this stuff!

May I learn to live more simply.
Doing what Jesus said I should be doing: loving God and loving my neighbour.

thankful

"What are you doing tomorrow night?"

The words hang in the air as I ponder the implications of this question asked by my son. Does he really want to set aside an evening to be with me? I have missed him terribly since he's moved out. I've cried and I've tried to give him wings as gracefully as possible. I've seen him in passing and had scattered moments with him. One blessed afternoon he fell asleep beside me here after stopping in for something. Precious moments that I relished. A mother's heart is rarely satisfied when it comes to time spent with her children. Especially after they've grown and left home. A new experience for me. Again. There are so many of them in this life of change.

So I prepared salmon & salad and my children and I enjoyed a dinner together. Together. The word means more to me now that our family unit has changed and I am finding myself alone more often. Not really alone - I know my Jesus never leaves me, but I like it when He shows up with skin on!

Dinner was followed by laughter as I watched the kids dance to DDR and enjoy each other. Precious moments. Then some relaxed time on the couch just talking. Just talking about what's going on in his life now that it is no longer coinciding with mine on a regular basis. He's getting so grown up. More thoughtful. More mature. I'm so proud of him. I love my kids so much it actually hurts sometimes. I've taken so much for granted. So I want to say thank you to Jesus for these simple pleasures. I am rich. I am loved. I have family.

I am thankful.

A Cup of Water

The Lord reminded me today of the great importance of little things...small acts of obedience. I've been pondering my life as of late - as more and more things have dropped out of my schedule for numerous reasons, I now am left doing very little. Or so it seems. And I don't seem to have the wherewithal to add anything to my schedule. Lack of motivations? Lack of energy? Lack of vision...

It's certainly NOT lack of time. I have far too much of that on my hands. Makes me wish I had had more children when it was the season to do so. At least I'd have SOMETHING to keep me busy and make me feel...valuable and important. I must say that I do realize at some place in my reasoning that it's not what we do that makes us important...that being is more important than doing...yada yada. But it's not helping me on a practical level to deal with this new stage in my life. The almost empty nest syndrome coupled with being without a spouse coupled with my disability.... Leaves me feeling vulnerable and afraid. Afraid of the future. Not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing. Wanting to have something important to occupy my time and give me a feeling of validation.

It's very kind of the Lord to pull away so many of my "props" and to leave me naked and exposed... It doesn't feel kind at all but I know He's making me face up to some important questions. It was much easier to talk my spiritual talk and spout verses when I was busy and involved in ministries and people's lives in an active and productive way. I'm having to face up to Revelation 3:15-20 on a very personal level.

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor
hot. I wish you were either one or the other!...You say, 'I am rich; I
have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that
you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy
from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to
wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes so
you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline."

I want to make a difference in the world. I want to please Jesus - at least I think I do...but I'm awfully fond of my comfortable life. I'm used to being in control of my schedule and having enough of everything. So maybe, on a gut level I want to please myself more. And Jesus is showing this to me. And I don't like seeing it. I've realized that in desiring to go and work in an orphanage somewhere in the world, maybe I'm just trying to keep myself busy enough so that I don't have to face up to my own selfishness. That I'll feel better about myself and can be proud of the fact that I'm doing something to help out the "poor"...

So Jesus keeps me here at home. Doing what seems to be very little. He wants me to get my motivation right. So that I will stop doing things for recognition. He wants to be everything to me. I know I love Him...but am I still like the immature maiden in the first four chapters of Song of Solomon who is simply enjoying Jesus because of what He does for her? I want my love to deepen. And I know that the little suffering that I have been privileged to endure has allowed me to test my love for Jesus somewhat. At least it's left me knowing that it's Him or nothing. I can't do this life thing without Him!

So today He spoke to me of the importance of little things. Like making a phone call to someone who isn't on my regular phone list, but who needs to talk and is delighted to get a call. Like writing a card of encouragement to someone I know who could really use the validation and love that it might bring. Like speaking words of kindness and blessings to someone who needs to hear how valuable they are to me and to God. Like visiting someone in a nursing home and spending an hour just being with them... Simple things. Small things. Cups of water given out in Jesus' Name.

I was given a prophetic word quite some years ago now, and in it, the man spoke these words over me "cups and cups and cups and cups and cups and cups of water...." I don't remember the rest of the word exactly, but he was basically saying that this would be something I would do - give out cups of water in my life. The "Barnabas" anointing I guess - being an encourager.

I've pondered this word and it makes more and more sense to me when I look at my life and my giftings. In a marathon there are the runners who seem to be the stars of the show. The crowds are cheering them on and they are running with great endurance, just trying to reach the finish line and to get there first if possible. Usually along the route there will be people at the sidelines who hand out cups of water to the runners as they go panting by. Now, the "water people" are not really recognized in any special way for their service, but it's quite vital that they are there. Without them, the runners most likely would not be able to keep running or finish the race.

I am thankful that the Lord gave this word to me to look back upon. It has helped me along the way to remember that a cup of water given out in His Name is hugely valuable. It may not make the headlines, and maybe no one will ever even thank us for that "cup of refreshment" but it makes a difference. A small phrase spoken at the right time can change someone's life. It can literally save someone's life. We need encouragement and affirmation almost as much as we need water!

So I will trust God to take care of my future as I simply learn again to "trust and obey". To give out those cups of water and to receive my affirmation from my Father. It's a journey - learning to trust Him at a deeper level now that the props are gone - but what a cool opportunity to see HIM move on my behalf.

"And if anyone gives a cup of cold water to one of
these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will
certainly not lose his reward."

Matthew 10:42

Fun in the SUN

Summer is most definitely here - hot, sunny days....YEEHAW!! I love the warmth, I love how the earth responds, with colors and sounds and growth galore. I've been planting flowers!!! So glad that the desire to do so even came back to me. I had felt so much winter in my bones & in my soul that I didn't know when I'd finally get the urge to shop for pretty flowers and dig around in the earth planting again.

...But it's here!! The joy of digging holes, soaking them with water and popping the sweet little plants in - eager for the explosion of growth that is sure to come. (That is, if Jewel will leave the flowers where they are!! I've already had to replant several of my petunias due to Jewel's desire to sleep in my flower bed. Sheesh.) I must say I am glad she is well enough to be digging and isn't laying around looking half dead anymore. Now that I know she has arthritis I have arranged her little bottles of supplements and I am administering them to her with her breakfast. Glucosamine, Cod Liver Oil and enteric coated Aspirin. I NEVER thought I'd be doing this with an animal, but it sure beats watching her in agony.

I have my little vegetable garden arranged - oh so cute. It's going to turn into a jungle most likely because I squished so many plants into such a small area but that's okay. It's just so much fun. My little cucumber plant has a trellis to climb on, my strawberries are waiting to ripen, raspberries have blossomed and are doing something... two tomato plants, chives, and basil are happily basking in the warmth and I am keeping them moist. (Dragging that heavy hose around again and hurting my elbow in the process but I just can't seem to help myself!!)

Tonight Becci came over with her two little people and we had great fun. Niko running through the sprinkler in his sweet nakedness, Alexia riding on the mower on Patrice's lap, Jewel and Mr. Tumness happy to have our company outside. The heat was intense today and the sun sets as I sit here typing. A pretty pinky purple glow has settled on the mountains and the earth breaths a sigh of relief to have some hours of reprieve from the heat.

I'm grateful to be enjoying the season. Grateful not to feel the heaviness and to have joy - even in the midst of unsettledness and transition and pain. Hope is stirring. Thank you Jesus for the most profound and simple pleasures that you provide. I always want to have eyes to see them and a heart that is pouring forth gratefulness. You are indeed very, very good and kind.

Hour of Power

Heard about the World Day of Prayer and decided to join with the 24/7 prayer being held in the 10 days leading up to it. Found the church, followed the signs and ended sitting in front of a few stairs. Sigh. I decided to stay and pray in another room which the receptionist graciously opened for me. As soon as I entered the room and postured myself for prayer the Spirit of the Living God fell on me and the tears began to flow.

Intercession - standing in the gap...

Connecting people and situations who need Jesus to the Source. What an incredible responsibility and privilege we have been given. I'm just grateful that it's not all up to us - that Jesus is our ultimate Intercessor and we just partner in with Him.

I had noticed a group meeting in the room next to me - and as I was praying I began to hear them lifting their voices to the Creator. The sounds and words were so beautiful to me. Lifting up petitions with loud cries and passion. Oh the beauty of humble men and women crying out on behalf of others. I began to join in agreement with their prayers, voicing my amens. Suddenly someone would break out into a song - an old chorus and the others would join in. I could tell it was an older crowd and I was basking in the beauty and safety of the generation before me paving the way.

As I left the church I asked the receptionist about the group I was hearing and she said it was the Seniors, gathering for their "Hour of Power". WOW!! I just love that. Very aptly named. A few white heads gathered in a room, shaking miracles out of heaven with their cries.

Unfortunately I did not go back. Stairs do that to me. And right now it seems I don't have the energy to deal with it. I am in such an apathetic state, wanting to run with God in the high places, but finding myself in a very dry and dusty low place. Can't figure out if it's chastising or pruning, but I believe it's the latter. I'm just so frustrated that I can't seem to rouse myself to movement. I want to have a mission, to have vision again, to be busier!! Isn't that nuts? Usually people long for seasons like this - seasons of rest and quiet, but it's been too restful and too quiet for too long!! I feel like I'm in LIMBO LAND! And I don't like it here! (Okay, I'm starting to grumble now, but I'm glad to read in the Psalms that David did his fair share of complaining to God as well.)

I am, however, very aware of the fact that Jesus is well aware of my station in life at this time. And He reminds me to rest and to wait on Him. In the meanwhile I know I need to simply do the good that is before me. Small acts of obedience ..."to obey is better than sacrifice".

So I plod on. Jesus please open my eyes to the ways that I can do what's on Your heart for me today. To love those that you put before me and to seek you above all else.

Serenade of the Seas

I returned home from a glorious week on the ocean...it was such a sweet time of respite and refreshment. A total gift from God, undeserved but so appreciated & very timely!! We were celebrating mom's 80th birthday - us three kids, and some dear friends from way back. We sailed on an absolutely gigantic vessel all the way up the coast to the Hubbard Glacier, stopping at a few little towns on the way. What stunning beauty; powerful waves, huge ocean, big sky, magnificent clouds, layers of misty mountains - some capped with snow, islands, seals, whales...God's amazing artwork. Oh He takes my breath away...foretastes of heaven were enjoyed. He serenaded me on the seas...

The ship was almost too big for me - I don't think I even visited every floor, but boy did I love those elevators!! They were glass and I could go zooming up 10 floors as I stared out over the crashing waves along side the ship. It was like a Disneyland trip for me!! Sometimes I just spent extra time on the elevators cause it was such a fantastic ride! What a blast. (Hey, when you can't use the pool, hot tubs, climbing wall, etc. you learn to amuse yourself in other ways!)

The food was beyond description. I'll just suffice it to say that I ate alot, enjoyed it immensely and found my pants very hard to do up by the end of the trip. Again - mostly we were seated at tables overlooking the ocean so we could eat delectable gourmet fare as we watched the beautiful landscape slip by. I'm deciding that I really, really like cruising. (smile - who wouldn't?) My bed and my bathroom travel right along with me so I don't have to worry about those essentials which can prove very difficult when I travel by other means.

One of my favorite things about travelling on the ocean is that most pleasurable sensation of getting rocked to sleep as I lay in my bed, feeling that huge vessel sway with the power of the waves. My room mate did not enjoy it in the least and she was exceedingly grateful for the gravol tablets I had brought along. She was a great deal of fun though, even in the midst of her misery and drugged state. We laughed ourselves silly over the strangest things, had wonderful visits as we lay on our beds and delightful times of prayer as we spent time in intercession and worship. Her gentleness, humility and kindness were a balm to my soul. She has been through much suffering but wow, the refining has made her most beautiful. Oh the kindness of my Father, again expressed in the flesh.

My sister underwent some kind of a Lazarus transformation!! That was a huge miracle to see her come to life. She probably needed that break more than any of us. She who has struggled the most emotionally and who has endured so much pain and brokenness ministered to me in the most profound ways. On Mother's Day, after hugging my mom whom we think is THE QUEEN of MOTHERS, she came over to me, letting me know that she thought her life would have been so different if I had been her mother. Now, I don't take that statement and get proud over it by any means...cause I know God put my sister into my mother's arms for a very good reason. A more patient and Godly woman is hard to find. However, just the validation of that statement meant so much to me. Because I know that I have dropped the ball in more ways than I ever care to think about as a mom. I, however, had the option of pulling my daughter from the conventional school system when she was going through a tough time to home school her. Back when we were growing up there weren't a whole lot of options, or a whole lot of knowledge regarding depression in kids.

I spent part of one very early morning sprawled on my bedroom floor after I unsuccessfully transferred myself onto the wrong part of my wheelchair. I slowly slid to the floor knowing this was not a good thing because I'm not able to get myself back into my chair. However, I decided to try to enjoy the view from below since I so rarely get down to that level. Gotta take advantage of every opportunity life hands you! Unfortunately - even with calling the front desk, ringing our emergency bell and waiting for half an hour, this maiden in distress was not rescued. We finally called my brother's room, waking him up so that he could be my knight in shining armour. He couldn't figure out why I didn't call him right away. Go figure. Why would I want to wake my brother up at 5:45 when there is enough staff on board to sink that big ship!!
Ah well, thankfully nothing broken - at least that I know of and I just started my day a little earlier than usual.

All in all a good time was had by all - it was rich and sweet and relaxing and ever so fun. What a blessing to have a family like mine. And to have friends that joined us at a moment's notice to renew old ties and reconnect.

Sheesh I'm spoiled, but that's cause I'm a daughter of the King. I just want to enjoy every good gift He lavishes on me. Now I'm home in my own land of beauty - lush with greenery, friends, home and my kids. It was sheer sweetness, being woken up the night I got home by my kids who were returning from a conference. Someone to come home to. I don't ever want to stop being grateful to God for the thousands upon thousands of good things He keeps pouring into my life - even in the midst of pain and brokenness. The best is definitely yet to come, but I want to try to enjoy the journey more!! Thanks Jesus,

I remain, Always in YOU.

"The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love.
He will rejoice over you with singing"

Zephaniah 3:17

Yes indeedy, I was surrounded by God, saved by Him, delighted in by Him, quieted and restored, and sung over by Him.

Bon Voyage

"LOVE IS SPONTANEOUS, BUT IT HAS TO BE MAINTAINED THROUGH DISCIPLINE"
Oswald Chambers

Great Quote - completely unrelated to my post.

A busy day - full of sunshine and beauty...and energy ! Yeah - this is one day I really needed it. The earth continues to celebrate the joys of this warm season. The apple trees are in full bloom, already starting to lose some of their petals. I planted my geraniums, allysum, lobelia and one lone tomatoe plant yesterday. What fun to think of the bursts of color that will soon be spilling out of my planters. (I'm saying this in faith that Patrice will water them while I'm away!) Thankfully my sprinklers have been fixed so I don't have to drag the hose and sprinkler around the grass anymore! I was doing a rather pathetic job, considering there is about an acre or two of grass. I'm so glad that I got my little plants into the earth yesterday so that they can be well rooted in and growing by the time I come home.

Today I've been trying to pack for the cruise we're going on tomorrow and my bed is full of piles of clothing. How to decide? I'm not a fashion expert by any means...I love to be comfortable, but I do believe that some "fanciness" is required at the dinners. I hope I'll be able to put it all together before I go to bed tonight. There is always the question of what season of clothing to bring along when one is travelling to Alaska in May. A little bit of everything I guess!

So the adventure begins. Ahh, anticipation. What a gift to be able to celebrate mom's 80th birthday with family and some dear friends. God obviously arranged this whole extravaganza, because everyone was ready with a big YES when the call went out and tomorrow we all converge on the Ballentyne Pier in Vancouver to board the "Serenade of the Seas". So I'm committing this time to our precious Lord - inviting His presence to go with us, inviting His joy to infect all of us and heal us of the hard winter of the soul some of us have endured. What a gift to feel anticipation and some excitement. It's taken awhile for it to come around. May the lethargy I've been carrying be lost at sea and may the wind of the Spirit breathe fresh life into all of us.

He is able to do abundantly MORE than all we are even able to ask or imagine!! Ephesians 4:21? or somewhere around there.

So here's little battle maiden signing off with a
"BON VOYAGE!!!"

RoLLer CoasTer DaY

It's been some kind of a schizophrenic day...or maybe bipolar would be a better description. Such highs, such lows, I wish I had a physical reason to explain my mind's behavior. (then again, maybe not - labels aren't that great come to think of it. Unless it's one that God's printed on my forehead!) I awoke after an unrestful night - spasms, headache, wakefulness...thankfully I needed to get Patrice to school so it got me out of bed and out into the beautiful sunshiney day. Spent an hour in the car with a dear friend, drinking ice caps and she listened to me vent and we laughed together. She's a keeper for sure. I know she's there for me and will set aside whatever she's doing if I call for helpl. That's God in the flesh, again. She knows what brokenness is and knows how to listen. She's been through the mill a few times herself.

*************(the roller coaster isn't allowing me to smoothly transition to my next paragraph)************

I'm feeling ground down tonight - dust am I. God's known it all along. It's taking me a little longer to catch on to the whole concept of me being in alot of trouble if I try to achieve and maintain my "persona". Didn't know I was quite so proud - but new areas of my "soulishness" are being exposed and I'm just hating the process. And God's not just stopping with the exposing - obviously He remembers that I've given Him permission to increase while I decrease..

Pruning, Pruning, years of Pruning. Branches dropping to the ground, large ones crashing down and the sap runs from the fresh wounds. I'm starting to feel pretty naked. Not enough leafy branches left to cover the trunk or to provide much shade. I feel it in my parenting (or lack of), I feel it in my feeble attempts at teaching Sunday School, I feel it in the little I am able to give out, in my empty schedule and lack of vision and energy. It used to be such fun and so easy to be the one who gave. To be the one to lead prayer groups and pour forth encouragement, gifts and blessings on others. And feeling incredibly pleased with myself in the process. Jeepers. What an ugly business it is to see the nakedness and to feel so exposed and vulnerable.

Yet this is obviously where GOD wants me. And He's very loving when I ask Him about it, but I know that He disciplines those He loves. The gentle, wise hand of the pruner knows where to cut so that in another season there will be more fruit. Better fruit. Heavy sigh. It may be springtime in the natural, but I'm sure not there in the spiritual.

Yesterday at a meeting that I wish I hadn't attended I gushed out a bunch of my insecurities and alot of negativity. oooh I hate it when I do that in a group. My only solace is that it was a small group. I'd rather sit naked in front of a few than many. They were gracious and spoke words to encourage.

Tonight was a real doozer though. Talking to my daughter (hi patrice) about my upcoming cruise, I was saying how I'd like to leave my body behind, cause I can't take a holiday from pain. She wondered why so many conversations had to circle around to the pain issue. Oh man, did I feel crappy about that. Big reality check there for me. How dare I put that on my daughter. And obviously I'm doing it ALOT. So humbling to know that I am such a whiner. I sure can't do this life thing without Jesus. I keep screwing up, way too often for my liking. It used to be that I was known for my joy and lack of complaining, but I just needed the temperature turned up a few more notches to see that I am not as noble as I once imagined myself to be.

The bright spot in my day?! I finally took Jewel to the vet and found out she probably has arthritis and is not dying as I had begun to believe. I've put off going to the vet cause I couldn't stand the thought of spending more money on her. (I could probably feed a child in a third world country for a whole year with what I spent on her surgery alone...) But I also could not stand to see her limping around, crying and mostly just laying cause it hurt her so much to stand up. After the vet diagnosed her, he gave her an injection and one weeks worth of medication to see if it would help. (More $) The injection helped. Wow - did it ever help! This was quite evident when, at the end of the day, she came running exuberantly over to the car as I drove up the driveway. She ran eagerly into the field, hoping we would do our orchard run and then greeted me as I got out of the car, nuzzling up to me and waiting for love. Sometimes miracles are expensive, but so worth it. The soulish part of me would like to buy myself a miracle too! Smile. But I want Jesus more. At least I hope so.

I was feeling a little guilty about the money issue, but wouldn't you know it, I came upon the verse that speaks about how important it is to God that we are good to our animals. (sorry, no concordance, but I believe it's in Proverbs). God knows my heart in all of this and it's so hard to watch an animal suffer. And since she's obviously not dying she may as well live as pain free as possible. I'm just aggravated that the vet won't give me more pain medication without doing a blood test to find out how healthy her liver and kidneys are. The blood test is so expensive!! ARGHHH. It's as bad as the medical system for humans! I'm going to try to figure out if there's away around that blood test.

**********************

On another note entirely, I had a real God encounter yesterday with a dear friend. Our friendship was birthed in a prayer group and has been nurtured through a variety of Jesus experiences. A strong bond unites us, even though we are not often together. We have had amazing adventures in the world of prayer and prophetic and somehow Jesus manifests Himself powerfully when we meet in His Name.

She came to share with me a mountaintop experience she had this past weekend. Something she had labored over and worked towards for many, many months finally came to fruition and it was hugely successful. I rejoiced with her and we worshiped the One who put this dream in her heart and gave her the strength to see it through. At the same time I couldn't hold in my own pain and after listening she poured oil upon me, held my face in her hands and wept with me. Somehow we were able to rejoice and weep and worship and both come away filled. I needed that oasis of refreshment in this season of mourning.

"God, hear my cry;
Pay attention to my prayer.
I call to you from the ends of the earth when my heart is without strength.
Lead me to a rock that is high above me,
For you have been a refuge for me,
A strong tower in the face of the enemy
I will live in your tent forever
and take refuge under the shelter of your wings"
Psalm 61:1-4

Thank you Jesus that you're with me.

Choosing to Declare

"The heavens declare the glory of God;
The skies proclaim the work of His hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge..."

Psalm 19:1,2

Even in this tougher season of my life (physically & spiritually) I can't help but be aware of the stunning beauty that surrounds me. I want to join the heavens in declaring the glory of God...it's not about how I feel or don't feel, it's just the choice of having eyes to see and choosing to worship. If the skies can pour forth speech, surely I can muster the energy to audibly tell God how amazing His creation is! And amazing it is - the colors, the smells, the sounds, the warmth, the LIFE which is virtually bursting from the earth everywhere I look. (Even the "looking" part has been more challenging for me this spring as my eyesight has gotten worse & my eyes are more uncomfortable with whatever this affliction is that I have been suffering from!)

I have a theory that in these harder seasons of our lives, our choice to worship God is very, very powerful. Our choice to speak out His glories - to bow down and kiss the Son, to trust, simply trust when things look dark, are acts of love to Jesus that ravish His heart. So I want to make choices to please Him and to notice His gifts to me - and to give thanks, even though I'm feeling sluggish and heavy hearted.

Tonight I watched a beautiful sunset. I was outside trying to get a picture of the blossoms against the pretty sky and the fragrances were amazing. Lilacs...mmmm, so heavenly! Jewel kept close to me, trying to coach as many neck scratches out of me as she possibly could and the cat was darting here and there in such a playful mood. These evenings are incredible gifts - I'm glad I'm forced outside to water my plants
and trees so I don't miss this lovely season. Sadly I'm usually so eager to go and lay down that I don't spend nearly as much time outside as I should.

Ok, I just lost a bumch of my post here, but I'm too tired to try to rewrite thoughts that have gone elsewhere... I was saying something about my Blessings Journal...where I've been writing a list of 1000 GIFTS...those things that I take for granted that I want to begin to give thanks for. Cultivating a grateful heart and teaching my Sunday School girls to do the same. We sometimes start our class with praise & worship...each of us taking a turn to say "Thank you Jesus for ________" . We try to mention something we've never heard or said in class and it's so fun watching the girls come alive as they think of new things to thank God for. They come up with the neatest things that challenge & delight me - I'm sure God loves it!!

So...I will now thank God for my cozy bed where I can lay my tired body and for my sweet daughter who is in my room watching "I Love Lucy". How inviting is that?!

In Justice..??

Was involved in an arbitration meeting today. Confrontation - something I would rather run away from, but in this case I had no choice but to be involved. Things were written about me that were not true. Words I spoke were twisted or taken out of context. Yet thankfully I was able to respond calmly and not be unkind. Jesus broke through. I could be quite mean (or meaner??) if it were not for His presence. It's felt dim as of late but I know He's still in there. Kind of feel as though I'm turning a deaf ear to Him and I wonder what that's all about.

As I lay here thinking about the arbitration this morning, I realized again that even if we are kind to others and show mercy, we will not necessarily get mercy back. Maybe what I think is showing mercy isn't mercy to the one receiving it. Justice here on earth seems to be an elusive thing. And we are reminded in no uncertain terms that "vengeance is mine declares the Lord". Truly that is a good thing. If I received the mercy I deserved I would burn in hell forever, no doubt about that. I'm grateful for the absolutely amazing and undeserved mercy I receive on a daily basis cause I keep screwing up in one way or another. And how many times have I said to my kids that life isn't fair...

But I'm wondering if I am feeling a little put out by the apparent lack of interest and involvement that I'd like to see from God in certain situations. In a lot of situations actually. I can see why some of those Old Testament guys ranted against God asking Him what was up anyways in their world. I kind of feel like ranting tonight too. What is up and why does it take so long for breakthroughs. Sometimes they just don't seem to come during our sojourn here on earth...

"OH Lord, how long shall I cry and you will not hear?
Even cry out to you "Violence!" and you will not save.
Why do you show me iniquity and cause me to see trouble?"
Habakkuk 1:2,3a

Where is justice?

I've been touched by injustice in several areas of my life. Who hasn't? The injustice of someone breaking the law by drinking and driving, leaving me almost dead and quite paralyzed on the side of the road. The injustice of broken covenant. Of a botched surgery when I trusted the surgeon. On and on. And yet, the injustices I endure are trivial next to those suffered by millions in other nations - even by many of those in our fair land where everything looks so pristine on the exterior. Behind closed doors many suffer many forms of injustice. I watched a powerful and beautifully done movie this week on the INJUSTICE suffered by thousands and thousands during the Rwanda crisis. It was called "Sometimes in April" and it was a good way for me to learn about what I have not understood (it's still somewhat hazy, but whoa...talk about injustice!). Some things are beyond understanding. The evil we are capable of is frightening.

Injustice.

It's the result of sin. A result of our "choice". And one day, it will all be made right. But meanwhile we need to trust and obey and worship... Even when we don't feel like it and we are served a side or two of injustice along with our huge helping of blessings. I want to be one of those people who doesn't concentrate on the injustices, but concentrates on, and points out the good wherever it may be found. That I won't miss out on seeing the multitude of blessings on my "plate of life" because I'm so focused on the side dish of injustice I've been served. That I will be one who fights for righteousness and justice for others. That I'll forgive those through whom injustice flows into my life.

So I'll go back to that verse I love so much from the book of Habakkuk. After all His ranting to God about what didn't make sense to him Habakkuk came up with a very good plan. One that I want to continually strive to incorporate into my life.

Interestingly, the title at the top of this passage calls it "A HYMN OF FAITH" - I really like that!

"THOUGH THE FIG TREE MAY NOT BLOSSOM,
NOR FRUIT BE ON THE VINES;
THOUGH THE LABOUR OF THE OLIVE MAY FAIL,
AND THE FIELDS YIELD NO FOOD;
YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD
I WILL JOY IN THE GOD OF MY SALVATION.

THE LORD GOD IS MY STRENGTH;
HE WILL MAKE MY FEET LIKE DEER'S FEET.
AND HE WILL MAKE ME WALK ON MY HIGH HILLS"

HABAKKUK - last few verses, NKJV

Man - this Habakkuk fellow really knew how to turn the tables on the enemy. He starts out ranting and questioning and ends up walking on high hills with deer's feet and God's strength! I shall follow suit! Hah!

Forty-Five

I turned 45 this past Friday. Surrounded by those who love me. Balloons, flowers, gifts and cards. Most of all, those who love me and accept me. Most of all God, even though He's feeling a little distant lately. I'm sure He hasn't gone anywhere. He was there in my family and friends. I wouldn't mind some kind of a personal encounter though - something a little more..."other worldly" and life changing.

But tonight, as I picked up last week's church bulletin I noticed something I had written down during Alistair Petrie's message. It was rather a riveting statement:

"Pride and personal ambition are driven out by brokenness."

Yes, I'm feeling rather broken these days in a few places. And obviously this is a good thing, but due to paralysis, lethargy and a good whack of sadness I'm not jumping up and down with joy about the whole broken thing. I am grateful at some deep level, because the last thing I want to be full of is pride and personal ambition! So broken is good. yah.

Funny thing, now that I think about it....Alistair gave us the opportunity to stand if we wanted God's plumbline to go down into our lives - to pursue righteousness as a lifestyle. (I'm having a hard time remembering the exact wording of why we were invited to stand, I only know that it felt really right. Not in a fun super spiritual way, but in that "pick up your cross and follow me" way). Now, I didn't stand as "the miracle" hasn't manifested yet, but my arm was in the air indicating that I was standing at some level. In fact, in my great zeal I think I threw up both of my arms at some point during that call. Wow. I knew as I did it that there would be a cost as I've done this numerous times and am living proof that the cost is real.

But it will be worth it. And God promises to be close to me in my season of brokenness. It says that He is close to those who are broken & with a contrite heart. (or something like that) The link to listening to that message which was quite powerful can be found at www.newlife.bc.ca Look under messages (perhaps audio) and the date of Alistair Petrie's preach was April 22. It's a sobering powerful message - one to be heeded by the church today.

The Yard

It's a funny thing - me - trying to do yardwork. Our automatic sprinklers are not on yet and I am getting concerned about the thirsty grass which is going from it's fresh brand new green to a tired yellow. ALREADY!! And for some reason the regular sprinklers that we occasionally purchase seem to disappear so I end up trying to rescue the lawn and trees, lumbering along in my wheelchair through the grass and dragging that immensely heavy hose behind me.



Yet it brings me great pleasure, being outside, listening to the sweetest bird songs, pulling the occasional weed from the bark mulch and trying to clean out my flowerbeds for the colorful delights I hope to plant soon. Jewel is a wonderful companion - coming to steal kisses from me as I am hunched over some piece of the earth unable to defend myself. She is so satisfied with my company and I with hers. What a treasure she is.



We got her just over five years ago, in February. She was advertised for free in the paper and her name was Jewel. Half golden lab and half Bouvier. A lovely black hairy creature with a heart of pure gold. Big bushy eyebrows and a beard to boot! At first we tried to figure out a new name for her, but somehow we couldn't come up with anything we all agreed on so she remained "Jewel". A name that has suited her perfectly. A more gentle animal you could not wish for.



She had a lump removed this past February and I was hoping all would be well minus the lump. But recently she's started limping and is becoming very lethargic. As we drive up the driveway we are no longer greeted by her leaps of joy and eager presence. She just lays there in the grass or in the dirt hole next to the house and feebly wags her tail. It's pathetic and has me quite concerned. I just can't justify much more money for the vet, as it's been so expensive this year already. So I will wait awhile longer and keep feeding her fresh bones from the butcher and praying for her health to return. I encouraged her to get up as I was outside working and soon she was wandering happily about, sniffing the latest offering which have been left by neighboring dogs on the bushes and sitting near me hoping for a good neck scratch. Her limp was not so pronounced today so I will hope and pray for her recovery so that we can continue to enjoy our precious Jewel.

Piece of Paradise

The Father has seen fit to place me in a piece of paradise. My heart is so full and content as my eyes take in the scenes around me...the glories of Spring are spread out in every direction. Each window I peer out of holds marvelous beauty and delight. I awaken to the singing of birds and the little mysterious frog that croaks to me, cheering my heart. I have never seen him, but I take such pleasure in his strange little sounds. They are so comforting - mostly he sings at night.

The grass is green - how kind of the Father to carpet the earth and scatter lovely yellow dandelions to humbly sing His glories.

The Creator and His Creation...His magnificence is displayed in a million ways. I feel incredibly privileged to live up here on the orchard where I am so visibly reminded, constantly, of His beauty. The mountains surround this little valley, and I sit high up, enjoying the vistas and the stunning drive up the hill that brings me here. It begins on the low grounds where there are pussy willows and bushes where the red winged blackbirds dart about - proudly showing off their colors. I wind up the long hill, looking eagerly for the sheep and their lambs that have their faces plastered to the grass - grazing so contentedly. The varied orchards - beautiful trees in rows, awaiting their turn to bear blossoms, leaves and fruit. The lake that emerges as I go higher - brilliant blue, or other shades depending on the skies and clouds. The green pines, wildflowers, bushes in blossom and finally the school ground spilling over with laughing children announce that I am almost home.

These have been years of pure grace, living out in the country. Seeing the stately horses riding by, occasionally a tiny pony pulling a cart, people walking their assortment of dogs and a dirt biker happily zooming by. Shouting and cheers from the schoolyard where baseball games or soccer games bring out families in droves. And if I head out to the back of the property I look down to see the city in all its beauty, encircling the lake and surrounded by the mountains.

The blue, blue sky, the warmth and brightness of the sun, the mountains that still hold a few traces of snow, the trees around the house unfolding their leaves and my faithful tulips, tryng to grow in the few places where Jewel hasn't dug them up to find a cozy resting place in the dirt.

I love my piece of paradise. I don't know how long I'll be up here, but I want to delight in every moment - to give glory to the Creator. It's all a gift. And I give thanks…

EnCircled

God has many Faces...
He surrounds me in a myriad of ways.
His lovingkindness towards me never ends.

In His great kindness He has provided for me an abundance of the most amazing and wonderful friends and family members. I simply don't deserve any of it so I enjoy and give thanks and am amazed, again and again.

Such variety, beauty, fun, uniqueness, laughter, and most of all love - if I have eyes to see, I will know that God touches me every day, through others in a multitude of ways. He expresses Himself with such creativity through his beloved people.

I don't know why I have been encircled by so much of His goodness - by so many friends that reflect so much of my Father. Oh but I am sooo grateful.

The little people he puts into my life bring such brightness and joy. The simplicity and honesty and genuineness of these young ones is so incredibly lovely. They make me happy!

The elderly - those who gently hug me, touch my shoulder in passing, remind me of their prayers and look into my soul with so much wisdom are great gifts which I need to honor in tangible ways.

A praying, wise, Godly, very kind mother who has shown me the love of God in the most practical but life changing ways is a gift I'll never comprehend. We often ask the question "WHY?" in life...but it's usually about the hard things that are sent our way. I must ask the same question, but it's more of an amazed "why me?". Why would God place tiny me into the arms of one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege of knowing? I am stunned at the grace the Lord has poured on me through this woman.

A father who epitomized honesty and was very righteous, even though He didn't walk with the King of Righteousness. There has been a righteous root that has stretched into His life and I pray that it will yet change him into the likeness of His Creator. My dad has been a provider and teacher of many good qualities for which I am thankful.

A sister and brother who love me and accept me and surround me with love and kindness in so many practical ways. They are not only my siblings, but precious friends. I was the baby and they spoiled me - they still spoil me with so much love. What more can I say? smile.

My kids - OH. MY. GOODNESS. Talk about being undeserving and getting the best of the best. I am so enjoying my kids becoming adults and friends. Both so original, so unique and so beautiful. Watching their characters develop - exhibiting integrity, honesty, kindness, and just being so real. Wow - my heart sometimes feels like it could explode with love and thankfulness.

And the multitude of friends that have crossed my path over the many years of my life. Some for shorter legs of the journey and others that have been with me for the long haul. I can't begin to name them, but God knows these gifts and what they mean to me. They are His Hands, His eyes, His great expansive, extravagant heart poured out onto and into my life in such endless and unique ways...

The practical acts of kindness
The cards, the e-mails, the letters, the gifts
The words of encouragement
The tears shed along with mine
The laughter that is shared so freely and often
The moments or hours spent in prayer - together - a priceless gift I treasure
The wise words of counsel
The many celebrations - picnics, dinners, BBQ's, - so many reasons to party!

I could go on and on and on...simply because God does. I can never outdo Him!!

He just keeps showing me more of His beauty. And I keep falling more deeply in love with the Friend of all Friends, Jesus. The One from whom all these beautiful gifts flow.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down
from the Father of Heavenly Lights"
James 1:17

Yes, I am EnCircled. By God...through the friends and family He has surrounded my life with. And now I must go and get ready for one of these precious ones who is coming to spend the evening with me!

How blessed am I??? SO BLESSED!!!!!

The Quote

In my post entitled "Suffering" (April 2) I referred to a writing by C.S. Lewis that I had read some years ago. Strangely enough, I picked up a devotional book to read during Lent and there was the exact quote so I wanted to post it in it's entirety. It seems to explain for me some of the perplexities we face in life - learning to be "in the world and not of it" and trying to figure out pain in the midst of it all. It's that strange inter-mingling of suffering and joy that we need to learn to live with and somehow, taking it up a notch, remember that we have been instructed to, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all cirucmstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"The Christian doctrine of suffering explains a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bath or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home."

C.S. Lewis from "The Problem of Pain"