RoLLer CoasTer DaY

It's been some kind of a schizophrenic day...or maybe bipolar would be a better description. Such highs, such lows, I wish I had a physical reason to explain my mind's behavior. (then again, maybe not - labels aren't that great come to think of it. Unless it's one that God's printed on my forehead!) I awoke after an unrestful night - spasms, headache, wakefulness...thankfully I needed to get Patrice to school so it got me out of bed and out into the beautiful sunshiney day. Spent an hour in the car with a dear friend, drinking ice caps and she listened to me vent and we laughed together. She's a keeper for sure. I know she's there for me and will set aside whatever she's doing if I call for helpl. That's God in the flesh, again. She knows what brokenness is and knows how to listen. She's been through the mill a few times herself.

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I'm feeling ground down tonight - dust am I. God's known it all along. It's taking me a little longer to catch on to the whole concept of me being in alot of trouble if I try to achieve and maintain my "persona". Didn't know I was quite so proud - but new areas of my "soulishness" are being exposed and I'm just hating the process. And God's not just stopping with the exposing - obviously He remembers that I've given Him permission to increase while I decrease..

Pruning, Pruning, years of Pruning. Branches dropping to the ground, large ones crashing down and the sap runs from the fresh wounds. I'm starting to feel pretty naked. Not enough leafy branches left to cover the trunk or to provide much shade. I feel it in my parenting (or lack of), I feel it in my feeble attempts at teaching Sunday School, I feel it in the little I am able to give out, in my empty schedule and lack of vision and energy. It used to be such fun and so easy to be the one who gave. To be the one to lead prayer groups and pour forth encouragement, gifts and blessings on others. And feeling incredibly pleased with myself in the process. Jeepers. What an ugly business it is to see the nakedness and to feel so exposed and vulnerable.

Yet this is obviously where GOD wants me. And He's very loving when I ask Him about it, but I know that He disciplines those He loves. The gentle, wise hand of the pruner knows where to cut so that in another season there will be more fruit. Better fruit. Heavy sigh. It may be springtime in the natural, but I'm sure not there in the spiritual.

Yesterday at a meeting that I wish I hadn't attended I gushed out a bunch of my insecurities and alot of negativity. oooh I hate it when I do that in a group. My only solace is that it was a small group. I'd rather sit naked in front of a few than many. They were gracious and spoke words to encourage.

Tonight was a real doozer though. Talking to my daughter (hi patrice) about my upcoming cruise, I was saying how I'd like to leave my body behind, cause I can't take a holiday from pain. She wondered why so many conversations had to circle around to the pain issue. Oh man, did I feel crappy about that. Big reality check there for me. How dare I put that on my daughter. And obviously I'm doing it ALOT. So humbling to know that I am such a whiner. I sure can't do this life thing without Jesus. I keep screwing up, way too often for my liking. It used to be that I was known for my joy and lack of complaining, but I just needed the temperature turned up a few more notches to see that I am not as noble as I once imagined myself to be.

The bright spot in my day?! I finally took Jewel to the vet and found out she probably has arthritis and is not dying as I had begun to believe. I've put off going to the vet cause I couldn't stand the thought of spending more money on her. (I could probably feed a child in a third world country for a whole year with what I spent on her surgery alone...) But I also could not stand to see her limping around, crying and mostly just laying cause it hurt her so much to stand up. After the vet diagnosed her, he gave her an injection and one weeks worth of medication to see if it would help. (More $) The injection helped. Wow - did it ever help! This was quite evident when, at the end of the day, she came running exuberantly over to the car as I drove up the driveway. She ran eagerly into the field, hoping we would do our orchard run and then greeted me as I got out of the car, nuzzling up to me and waiting for love. Sometimes miracles are expensive, but so worth it. The soulish part of me would like to buy myself a miracle too! Smile. But I want Jesus more. At least I hope so.

I was feeling a little guilty about the money issue, but wouldn't you know it, I came upon the verse that speaks about how important it is to God that we are good to our animals. (sorry, no concordance, but I believe it's in Proverbs). God knows my heart in all of this and it's so hard to watch an animal suffer. And since she's obviously not dying she may as well live as pain free as possible. I'm just aggravated that the vet won't give me more pain medication without doing a blood test to find out how healthy her liver and kidneys are. The blood test is so expensive!! ARGHHH. It's as bad as the medical system for humans! I'm going to try to figure out if there's away around that blood test.

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On another note entirely, I had a real God encounter yesterday with a dear friend. Our friendship was birthed in a prayer group and has been nurtured through a variety of Jesus experiences. A strong bond unites us, even though we are not often together. We have had amazing adventures in the world of prayer and prophetic and somehow Jesus manifests Himself powerfully when we meet in His Name.

She came to share with me a mountaintop experience she had this past weekend. Something she had labored over and worked towards for many, many months finally came to fruition and it was hugely successful. I rejoiced with her and we worshiped the One who put this dream in her heart and gave her the strength to see it through. At the same time I couldn't hold in my own pain and after listening she poured oil upon me, held my face in her hands and wept with me. Somehow we were able to rejoice and weep and worship and both come away filled. I needed that oasis of refreshment in this season of mourning.

"God, hear my cry;
Pay attention to my prayer.
I call to you from the ends of the earth when my heart is without strength.
Lead me to a rock that is high above me,
For you have been a refuge for me,
A strong tower in the face of the enemy
I will live in your tent forever
and take refuge under the shelter of your wings"
Psalm 61:1-4

Thank you Jesus that you're with me.