My Precious Jewel

My sweet doggie returned to the dust yesterday. Many tears have been shed over the past few weeks as I have watched her slowly grow weaker...but we were still sharing sweet times and she was able to enjoy wandering through the orchard and visiting with us as we sat out on the patio drinking in the summer beauty. How she loved the parties on the patio when she might enjoy table scraps and just spend time with those she loved. She just assumed that everyone loved her...what a nice way to be. Digging herself a nice cool hole at the side of the house (or in my flower beds!!) to pass the hot afternoon hours or laying under the oak tree munching on a bone. The precious welcome as she recognized me and ran to meet me when I drove up the driveway, joining me in the garage and waiting for her neckrub as I got out of the car. Oh how she would leap and dance for joy when she knew I was driving out into the back field with her to give her a run around the orchard...and then the race back to the house along the side of the road. She got pretty good at taking shortcuts =), but she was fast!

The memories flicker through my mind, and I am brought to tears again...what a sweet gift she was for us. Such a gentle, kind, big beasty. Those lovely hazel eyes with the bushy brows hanging down over them. The beard, so comical & unladylike...often dripping with water from her latest visit to the watering hole - giving her the nickname "drool". Sweet, sweet doggie, such a gift from God for this season of our lives. I am so grateful to God for her and for the comfort and joy and laughter she brought to us.

God in His great kindness gave us these sweet animals to treasure. They speak to me of His character. The simple, pure devotion in Jewel was another reflection of the character of God in my life. Her name, which she arrived at our home with, suited her perfectly. A precious gem, a jewel, she surely was. My heart aches, but I know I will heal. Just an animal...but one that I will never forget and feel privileged to have spent these years with. She was like a little piece of heaven here on earth and I surely hope the Lord has a nice place for her to enjoy wherever she is now. I can still hope that I'll see her in heaven, I don't care where the whole theology thing fits in. It comforts me to know that a God who is kind and creates such beautiful animals for us to enjoy will look after them as well. Wouldn't it be just so fun to have her be a part of the crowd that greets me when I get to my heavenly home?!

Thank you Jesus for the gift of Jewel. Thank you for your kindness to us through her. Thank you Jesus for the precious and beautiful creation which you gave us so generously to enjoy. A heart that thought up & created Jewel is a most beautiful & precious heart indeed. I love you so much, my precious Jesus...

surviving expectation

A tough day is drawing to a close for which I am grateful. God knew we'd need an end to each day and a fresh start the next morning so He gifted us with night time and sleep. Sweet relief. If you can sleep, that is!

Today at our church gathering we had a sermon on healing. Testimonies were given and bold proclamations were made. Faith in action. I was challenged to not grow cynical...but instead to maintain an attitude of expectation. That's not the easiest place for me, so I need to guard my heart and to keep myself from withdrawing and simply watching from a distance, or even more tempting, running away from the challange. Boy, did I want to bolt today - grab a friend and head over to Starbucks for a good visit rather than hear another sermon on healing. There's the honest brutal truth.

But I stayed. I need to be there if Jesus wants to talk to me, and there's that verse about "not forsaking the assembling of the brethren...". So I didn't forsake but I hid in the background. He surely knows my heart and the length of this journey I'm on.

It's grown particularly rough as of late. The muscle spasms that literally grab my body and arch my back repeatedly, throwing my neck out have been growing in intensity and frequency. They wake me up at night, sometimes going on for hours and keep me rolled up in a ball holding my knees to my chest waiting for the storm to calm. The medications only help a little - mostly I take them to help me to sleep through the rough patches and to keep things from going out of control. At the moment my body lies silent...a blessing of mamoth proportions. Never know when the bomb will go off again.

I've also felt the quiet tremors of depression trying to rock my world. It's a frightening thing, the darkness that descends on my spirit and the bleak future that seems to await me. I feel very alone and frightened. Abandoned and betrayed. Rejected. Nothing Jesus isn't intimately aquainted with. So I've got good company. But sometimes that company is awfully silent.

Today, during the message, people were urged to check for visible miraculous signs. But to tell you the truth, all I wanted was to get rid of my headache, or better yet my spasms!! That would be far more helpful in my case. The headaches are either migraines or caused by the wicked strong spasms, but wherever they come from I'd just love for Jesus to take them away. Would be even better to get rid of the spasms too, but I have to muster up my faith BIG TIME to go up for prayer about that one again. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting a little jaded. I don't want that. I want to stay real and soft before Jesus. The only word I got when I dared to ask Him about things was "perseverance". Yup. Working on that one. For quite some time now. "...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance and perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be MATURE & COMPLETE". James 1 (Karen's Memory Version)

I feel battle worn and weary. Wanting a new life...one that's not quite so limited and painful. But I admit that I'm whining again. Honestly, it's just been a rough road and I need to vent somewhere. The Lord rescued me today by sending me to my sister's place. Such a safe place. She loves me and serves me with such kindness. And she knows pain and depression and long hard journey's as well as I do. I was able to lie down, take a pill for my headache and rest. And then I got up...you just keep pushing ahead as much as you'd like to sleep your life away when it's so dark.

So we sat and talked, watching her sweet little finch and we laughed together. I was able to be so real and she hears me with no judgment or condemnation. She has suffered much and has much compassion and mercy. It was a healing balm to my soul. So Jesus showed up with skin on through my sister. And later my parents and auntie showed up and we had a lovely gathering on the back porch. Familiarity. Laughter. Love. Oh my, how quickly I forget how blessed I am when I allow myself to be overwhelmed by my grief. I drove away from there refreshed.

Tonight as the spasms and grief threatened to steal my peace again a verse came...and I must obey or I will be destroyed. I can't figure this all out. It's too big and too scary for me. But Jesus has the answers. ALL of the answers. About my body, my future and my loneliness.

"TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, Karen, and do not lean on your own understanding".

Ok. Help me Jesus is all I can say right now. Help me to trust you and not to do this on my own. Forgive me for my stubborn independence. You are everything I need. I will not worry about tomorrow but I CHOOSE LIFE & THE GIVER OF LIFE. I choose to trust that You will be true to your Word. I choose to worship.

Praise You Jesus, You are my Redeemer,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Wholeness,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Health & Healer
Praise You Jesus, You are my Savior & You wash me clean with Your precious Blood.
Praise You Jesus, because you are Worthy.
Praise You Jesus, You are my Fortress & my Resting Place
Praise You Jesus...Nothing is impossible for You!!!

Definitely Worth a 2nd Read!!

Today in my daily Bible reading I came upon 2 Chronicles 20. Now, to tell you the truth, Chronicles hasn't really been the most delightful read. There are alot of kings doing alot of their own thing instead of God's thing, but there are some great stories in there too. However, today's reading was a whopper!! I just love King Jehoshaphat's reaction to a huge attack leveled against him by "a VAST multitude". At first he was afraid which I can surely appreciate. But his fear had a positive effect upon him as "he resolved to seek the Lord" when he had heard this news. He proclaimed a fast for ALL of JUDAH so they would all seek the Lord with him and then he prayed the most magnificent prayer. This prayer is just so amazing because it reinforces the truth about who God is. How quickly we forget His omnipotence and think that the battle is ours to somehow win. Read this & be mightily encouraged!

"Lord God of our ancestors are you not the God who is in heaven, and do you not rule over all the kingdoms of the nations?
Power and might are in your hand and NO ONE CAN STAND AGAINST YOU...
Our God will you not judge them? For we are powerless before this vast multitude that comes to fight against us.
We do not know what to do BUT WE LOOK TO YOU." 2 Chron. 20: 6-12

After this beautiful, humble admission of truth, the Lord replies through the prophet Jahaziel:

"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast multitude, FOR THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS BUT GOD'S...position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord...tomorrow go out to face them for the Lord is with you!" vs 15-17

Don't you love God's advice for going into battle? We need to hear those words so often in life...and God says them often in the Scriptures...Do not be afraid. The beauty of all of this is that NOTHING has changed... God is still the God who is the ruler over all the kingdoms & the battle still belongs to the Lord. There is, of course, the important component of our obedience in warfare, but it doesn't change who God is and what He is capable of doing with or without our help!

The day of the battle, Jehoshaphat gets up and instead of just worrying about the physical aspects of the battle formation etc. etc., he makes sure that there are singers going in front of the battle formation "to praise the splendor of His holiness" and as they walked before the army they kept singing these amazing words:

"Give thanks to the Lord for His faithful love endures forever" vs. 21

And this next part is enough to make you want to stand up and begin praising right this moment...listen to this:

"The moment they began their shouts and praises the Lord set an ambush against [their enemies] and they were defeated". vs 22

WOOHOO!! You've gotta love that kind of warfare.
Sooo, the challenge in this moment for me, in this day, this week, this season of my life is to Give thanks to the Lord! To shout and praise Him and declare how incredibly good and amazing and powerful and wonderful He is. Over and over again. Every single day. Worship will win the battle. It puts everything back into proper perspective.

NO ONE CAN STAND AGAINST GOD. None of my enemies can stand against my God. And I know that ultimately I only have one enemy and I would rather look at Jesus and concentrate on His plans for me any day, rather than spend time looking at my enemy and getting freaked out.

So there it is. A powerful message in a book that hasn't quite been my favorite. I'm glad I'm persevering through the whole BOOK so that I come upon these treasures in surprising places!