surviving expectation

A tough day is drawing to a close for which I am grateful. God knew we'd need an end to each day and a fresh start the next morning so He gifted us with night time and sleep. Sweet relief. If you can sleep, that is!

Today at our church gathering we had a sermon on healing. Testimonies were given and bold proclamations were made. Faith in action. I was challenged to not grow cynical...but instead to maintain an attitude of expectation. That's not the easiest place for me, so I need to guard my heart and to keep myself from withdrawing and simply watching from a distance, or even more tempting, running away from the challange. Boy, did I want to bolt today - grab a friend and head over to Starbucks for a good visit rather than hear another sermon on healing. There's the honest brutal truth.

But I stayed. I need to be there if Jesus wants to talk to me, and there's that verse about "not forsaking the assembling of the brethren...". So I didn't forsake but I hid in the background. He surely knows my heart and the length of this journey I'm on.

It's grown particularly rough as of late. The muscle spasms that literally grab my body and arch my back repeatedly, throwing my neck out have been growing in intensity and frequency. They wake me up at night, sometimes going on for hours and keep me rolled up in a ball holding my knees to my chest waiting for the storm to calm. The medications only help a little - mostly I take them to help me to sleep through the rough patches and to keep things from going out of control. At the moment my body lies silent...a blessing of mamoth proportions. Never know when the bomb will go off again.

I've also felt the quiet tremors of depression trying to rock my world. It's a frightening thing, the darkness that descends on my spirit and the bleak future that seems to await me. I feel very alone and frightened. Abandoned and betrayed. Rejected. Nothing Jesus isn't intimately aquainted with. So I've got good company. But sometimes that company is awfully silent.

Today, during the message, people were urged to check for visible miraculous signs. But to tell you the truth, all I wanted was to get rid of my headache, or better yet my spasms!! That would be far more helpful in my case. The headaches are either migraines or caused by the wicked strong spasms, but wherever they come from I'd just love for Jesus to take them away. Would be even better to get rid of the spasms too, but I have to muster up my faith BIG TIME to go up for prayer about that one again. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting a little jaded. I don't want that. I want to stay real and soft before Jesus. The only word I got when I dared to ask Him about things was "perseverance". Yup. Working on that one. For quite some time now. "...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance and perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be MATURE & COMPLETE". James 1 (Karen's Memory Version)

I feel battle worn and weary. Wanting a new life...one that's not quite so limited and painful. But I admit that I'm whining again. Honestly, it's just been a rough road and I need to vent somewhere. The Lord rescued me today by sending me to my sister's place. Such a safe place. She loves me and serves me with such kindness. And she knows pain and depression and long hard journey's as well as I do. I was able to lie down, take a pill for my headache and rest. And then I got up...you just keep pushing ahead as much as you'd like to sleep your life away when it's so dark.

So we sat and talked, watching her sweet little finch and we laughed together. I was able to be so real and she hears me with no judgment or condemnation. She has suffered much and has much compassion and mercy. It was a healing balm to my soul. So Jesus showed up with skin on through my sister. And later my parents and auntie showed up and we had a lovely gathering on the back porch. Familiarity. Laughter. Love. Oh my, how quickly I forget how blessed I am when I allow myself to be overwhelmed by my grief. I drove away from there refreshed.

Tonight as the spasms and grief threatened to steal my peace again a verse came...and I must obey or I will be destroyed. I can't figure this all out. It's too big and too scary for me. But Jesus has the answers. ALL of the answers. About my body, my future and my loneliness.

"TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, Karen, and do not lean on your own understanding".

Ok. Help me Jesus is all I can say right now. Help me to trust you and not to do this on my own. Forgive me for my stubborn independence. You are everything I need. I will not worry about tomorrow but I CHOOSE LIFE & THE GIVER OF LIFE. I choose to trust that You will be true to your Word. I choose to worship.

Praise You Jesus, You are my Redeemer,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Wholeness,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Health & Healer
Praise You Jesus, You are my Savior & You wash me clean with Your precious Blood.
Praise You Jesus, because you are Worthy.
Praise You Jesus, You are my Fortress & my Resting Place
Praise You Jesus...Nothing is impossible for You!!!