So Tired

I have been on a "tired" leg of this life journey...
Not having the strength or energy or passion to do things that previously brought me so much joy or fulfillment.

When I think of doing simple things, like baking, or writing a letter, or visiting someone who is in the hospital it seems to take a monumental effort to rouse myself to action. And teaching Sunday School has now completely drifted off my grid!
I've taught classes for most of the past 16 years or more. Arriving with a huge basket of things to do, making huge posters with the precious kids, singing and dancing around the class, teaching them about their value and enjoying God with them. Hosting class parties in my home - a gaggle of excited, giggling, energetic young girls screaming through my house! It was exhausting but so fulfilling. And I had the grace to do it.
Now if a teacher is required I don't even volunteer for one class!! The thought sends me running for the hills!! (or my bed to be more exact...)

I've come to realize more and more that it is all grace.

The ability to cope with life from the confines of a wheelchair...
Raising kids, travelling, teaching, sewing, baking,
counselling, prayer ministry, leading groups, public speaking.
All this while trying to cope with a marriage that was lonely & troubled.
And a broken body that somehow managed to cooperate under the influence of an extremely strong will!

And God.

It was actually Him all along giving me the strength, courage and passion to do what I needed to do.
I thought it was about me somehow, but it was simply me working out of the ability and strength that He gave.
And now He is allowing me to recognize that my value does not lie in what I do.
That I bring Him pleasure even when I'm not performing.

People love a performer.
God wants a Lover.

Thankfully I have days where there is energy and I am grateful to be able to do tasks around the house and desk work that has been waiting for my attention. He gives me the strength and joy to meet with kids and help them to read. I am able to host gatherings in my home for which I am extremely grateful. It gives me life.
And then I go lay down and rest. Alot.
It's almost embarrassing how much I rest.

If only I was passionately pursuing God during these down times, but strangely enough, I don't even have the energy to do that. I beat myself up most mornings blaming it on lack of self discipline and I lay there feeling terribly guilty about all the things I haven't done and should do. I awaken very, very early giving me a LONG time to think and pray. I would far rather sleep if it was up to me..

But He pours out grace again and again. Just to be.
I need to rest in Him.
To obey when He speaks and not move out of obligation.

So, here is my little confession of tiredness.

I pray that I will learn what the Father wants me to learn during this season.
There is sadness mingled in as well as I watch my aging parents and my growing children.
Wondering about the role I am now to play.

But He says He will give me beauty for ashes
and the oil of joy in place of mourning.

Come Lord Jesus...

It's November

The days are short again.
The air crisp and fresh.
Remaining leaves swirl and fall,
covering the ground,
dancing in the wind.

My son is in Peru and my heart is at rest.
The power of prayer,
The power of GOD!

School routines and structure.
Grateful to have a girl who still lets me drive her!
The last of these years,
a graduate emerging.

Changes are inevitable but I must live in and enjoy the present moment.

Small pupils under my care,
God provides vision and purpose.
Struggling with words,
Small victories,
Jellybean rewards.

An impulsive hug,
words floating back to me from a departing child,
"I really like working with you...thank you".
Ah, these gifts
Precious and wondrous.

A warm house to return to,
Laptop, heatbags, snacks in bed.
A friendly housemate to pray and chat with.

God is so present in my world.

Artful Ecstasy

Last week my rather tiny artsy side was nourished with some amazing fare.

A drive along the lake
surrounded by fall colors,
Greek food with good friends.
Anticipation..

Then FEIST!
Altho she was tiny and so far away,
the venue big and impersonal,
the show was great.
Oh the voice - sailing, flying, taking us along on a ride with such passion.
Colors and artwork on the screen mesmerizing,
unique and ever changing.

One two three four, tell me that you love me more...

Lacey curtains, hands swirling in paint, images emerging,
flowers, pictures, movement, color...
the constant flow of notes and rhythm carrying us all along.

And Friday, a sudden invitation to Ballet!
Venturing out into the dark night in our new red chariot.
Grace at the box office - enjoying God's favour!
Dances of breathtaking beauty, unbelievable skill.
On and on,
Out of the darkness from behind the curtains flow
synchronized movements, music, color, grace.

Swept away into an exquisite world of magical movement
A feast for the eyes, the spirit, the soul

Nourishing something deep inside,
Satisfying
Surprising
Intense
Delightful
Invigorating

An oasis,
A Gift.

Undeserved mercies and kindnesses follow me all the days of my life.
Pictures of God - He swirls
He dances
He sings.
He fills, He satisfies.

Friendship Now

Just spent a couple of hours lounging on my bed with my son.
Sharing in his dreams
Talking about his upcoming adventure in Peru,
perusing websites about hiking boots and cameras.
He lets me into his world.
Oh how I have longed for times like this.

It's friendship now.
so precious.

Every moment with my kids
a gift,

I am truly blessed and truly grateful.

House of Dreams

Someone recently was challenging us to imagine what our city would look like if God had His way here and if we as His people would cooperate with Him. It's a great exercise of faith and I think God actually loves it when we dare to dream and imagine what it would really look like to see His Kingdom come and His Will be done here on earth as it is on heaven. (Well, I'm sure He loves it even more when we transfer our dreams and imaginings into doings and actions, but bear with me here...).

I now have three people under the age of 23 living under my roof. What a privilege to have so much life around me! Tonight two of my "borrowed daughters" came running into my bedroom and leapt onto my bed with huge hugs and greetings. Talk about being blessed and showered with undeserved love. I don't know why the Lord has brought these ones into my life, but they are here for a reason and I can hardly believe how blessed I am to be connected in such a way to this next generation.

So as I was getting ready for bed I began to wonder what kind of hopes and dreams I have for the ones under my roof and for this home in this next season. I'm sure God has plans for this time so I sure as heck want to be cooperating with HIM!

Therefore I thought it would be a good idea to prayerfully write out my "wish list" and be actively involved with God in seeing His Kingdom Come here!! Somehow writing down a list is an act of faith in itself and it feels one step closer to "calling forth that which is not yet as if it already were."

I declare that this home (God's home) will be a house of rest & peace - His presence ministering to all who enter here!

I declare that God's precious Holy Spirit has free reign in this place to speak, to bless, to convict, to draw - to do whatever He likes!!

I declare that this is Holy Ground, this house belongs to God and the enemy has no authority in this place - all authority in this place belongs to Jesus Christ who has triumphed over the enemy!

I ask that the precious blood of Jesus would be over every doorpost and opening of this home, and that as people enter, the blood of the Lamb would drip down upon them, imparting to them life and healing and deliverance and revelation.

I declare that this is a house of salvation - because Jesus lives here!!

And somehow I pray that the love of God would be made manifest in me so that He would be able to love those that come through these doors through my hands, my voice and my life.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine
according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory..."
Ephesians 3:20

So Jesus, this life is for you....as much as I keep forgetting and thinking it's about me, I declare that it's all about You in me!
Thanks for inviting me to ask and imagine... I want to imagine salvations and deliverances and healings and discipleship and community all happening here with You in the midst of it all - getting all the glory and being delighted here.

I welcome you...Your Kingdom Come, Your Will Be Done, here in my house as it is in heaven!

Rearrangments

So often life just ambles along, and I'm waiting for something more exciting to happen. I'm really grateful when I'm not in crisis though and I haven't been for a few years now, so that's good. Life has actually been pretty peaceful, if not a little boring. I prefer a fair bit of excitement as long as it's spaced out properly. But that's not in my control as so many things are not! (You figure out so many important things when you are past middle age.) So I'm learning to accept the peaceful times as well as the times of excitement and crisis. Not that I have alot of choice.

Anyways. My delightful cohabitants moved out at the end of September and I didn't quite know who God would send to fill in the empty house. There had been rumors in the summer that my son would move in when his condo sold, but that's an uncertain thing.

He almost sold it in the middle of September so all his room mates found alternative lodging. Then the deal fell through and the son was alone in his condo. He told me last Monday that he thought he might take it off the market. When talking to his realtor it was mentioned that someone was in a big hurry to buy. By Wednesday he had moved home and on Friday he had his condo sold and money in hand!!

Boy, things can sure change suddenly! I love that about God. Those situations remind me that it's important to hang on, to keep believing and praying because ALL OF A SUDDEN everything can change! For me this situation speaks into many other situations...it's a faith builder for sure!

So I'm loving having him around again - this tall, easy going young man with the easy smile and the great hair. Smile. It is different having an adult child move home, but it feels really great. Everything here on earth is so temporary so I just want to enjoy every minute of this.

I'm also looking forward to having a gal move in next week so all the bedrooms will be filled! There will be activity and laughter and lots of life happening here again. I am so thankful to God for these new rearrangements and for more excitement in my rather humble quiet existence.

I also bought a car last Friday which is a HUGE deal for me. I have been looking for one for a very long time and SUDDENLY it was the right day. There are so many variables in my car shopping that it became a really big issue in my life. The hand controls need to fit in, I need roof racks for the wheelchair lift. Is the front seat a power seat? Is it good on gas? Can I get things in and out of the trunk easily? Would my back hurt due to the seating? It was getting bigger and BIGGER in my mind and I was getting so befuddled with all the consumer reports. I've never had to buy a car for myself before.



This is definitely new territory for me but it is done! So the bright red car sits on my driveway waiting for its coat of paint protector. (My wheelchair and I are really hard on vehicles and on alot of other things, come to think of it).

When I wake up in the morning I remember that it sitteth there, bigger than life and worth alot of money. I haven't even ever driven it myself. The roof racks are on wrong for the wheelchair lift. Did I pay too much? Is it the right car for me? It is not a returnable item. I feel like I should be more excited, but my life is so complicated.


I pray that all the details and installations will come together easily and that soon I will be happily zooming about with a feeling of complete consumer satisfaction!!

Did I mention that my Dad phoned me one day and said he wanted to pay for this new car? Just to look after me to make sure I got into a new vehicle with warranties so I was safe. I almost cried right there and felt so loved and cared for. Now that is a miracle and the hand of God looking after me in a most tangible fantastic way!!

So, I have sooooo much to be gtateful for it almost takes my breath away. I won't let the complications of my life rob the joy of God's good gifts. My son is home, I enjoy an incredible friendship with my dear daughter, an adopted daughter is arriving soon and I have new wheels! God is, right here and right now showing me His goodness in the land of the living.

Intentional

In the mornings when I awake I have been doing a new thing.

MEMORIZING!!! It's not really a new thing, but it has been so long since I have committed a larger portion of scripture to memory that it feels new and wonderful.

I was challenged when I visited one of my most favorite and least favorite blogs. Ahem...yes, favorite because it challenges me and speaks with profound beauty and poetry. It is full of the simple essence of life - of Jesus in everyday. It speaks of a life that I wish I had passed onto my kids. It is full of amazing pictures and stories. So I am drawn to that blog time and time again even though I feel so convicted when I compare my parenting and lifestyle. (I know, I know...comparing is so dangerous)

It is least favorite because I feel small and selfish when I read about the daily disciplines practiced by the family. The everyday graces of praying together, memorizing, living very practically for others and literally living out Romans 12 where we are encouraged to offer ourselves as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. But as the writer always signs her name under the simple words "All's Grace" I too live my life under those words.

I need the grace to start fresh again with a simple form of self discipline and I'm doing it!! I started a few days ago and it's amazing how the brain kicks into gear with repetition. So I am taking up the challenge by joining them in Mega Memory Month and am simply doing the same passage that they have chosen...starting with Philippians 1:20. Don't know how far I'll get but it's a great passage and it's important that I just start somewhere!!

So now when I awaken early as I am prone to do, I have so much time to mull the words over in my head, adding line upon line and rejoicing that it is actually sticking!!

Small beginnings.

As Ann says in her blog it's important to be "intentional" in our pursuit of holiness. (Holy Experience)
His mercies are new every morning!!
Truly, all is grace and I am grateful for His call to me is to:"forget the former things, do not dwell on the past for behold I do a NEW THING" Isaiah 43

And now I can rise to a new day with new words written on my heart!

Too Much

I just talk wayyy too much! Honestly - I even surprise myself with how many words I allow to come pouring forth at the slightest opportunity. I do know that our greatest gifting is often our greatest nemesis and in my case this is too true.

It disappointments me that I miss so much by filling the air with so many words when it would be way more important to listen.

Just tonight my daughter, who is one of few words (amazingly enough I gave birth to one of these) flopped onto my bed to chat and was really sharing her heart. I love it when she opens up, even if it is late on a school night, and starts to talk about the inner workings of her heart and how she perceives God and life. She spends far more time thinking and pondering than speaking, so when she finally does say something it is definitely worth my time to listen!

So I did listen, and we bantered back and forth... but suddenly!! Suddenly I had a profound thought!! And it was in such a hurry to come out that I actually cut my precious girl off to pour forth a stream of completely unnecessary words. Not that they were silly words, they actually fit into the conversation quite well, but I missed something in that exchange. Something irretrievable. She was just starting to say something and I cut her off with my profundity!! When I was finished I asked her to finish her thought but she had forgotten it.

sigh.

I know God told us in James to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry". I memorized that whole chapter!! I won't even bother looking into the concordance for all the other references to excessive speech - they pop out at me like blazing neon lights, especially when I read Proverbs! They are underlined!!

It's not only that too many words can lead to sin - speaking of things that aren't edifying or life giving; it's the fact that I somehow secretly think my thoughts are more important than someone else's. At least that seems to be the case. Sounds so horrible I'd rather not write it! Sheesh. I sometimes use the excuse that I'll forget the thought if I don't spout it out as swiftly as it enters my mind because my memory has become a little sketchy. (maybe a lot) But that's still no excuse. Time and time again I've cut people off, interrupted them and just hogged the air time. I need, need, need to exercise SELF CONTROL!!

So Father, I'm only minutely aware of how many blessings I've missed by speaking too much, but I want to become more like you. Valuing what others have to say. Valuing silence. Knowing that even if I don't get my chance to speak, if it's important enough you will make sure that those words gets spoken in some other way and time. Allowing silence to reign if others are not speaking - being comfortable just to be.

Thank you for your unbelievable grace and patience with me. Thank you for the gift of words that you have given me - to share freely and openly and easily. To encourage people, to bring life, to make people laugh and to exhort. But I ask you again to place a guard over my mouth - to remind me through your precious Holy Spirit when I've said enough. And when I shouldn't even begin! You are so kind. You will help me to mature in this area because you "who began a good work in me will bring it to completion"!!! Amen and Amen.

Midnight Prayer

A midnight gathering of five, the number of grace...
Entering quietly, rejoicing in togetherness,
Eager to seek His face, to remember His promises.

Worshiping.

Interceding.

Calling forth His purposes for our nation.
Aligning ourselves, bowing low in repentance,

Remembering the power of His death and resurrection.
It never gets old - the blood still cries out, still makes new!
We eat, we drink, we remember, we weep.
We are strengthened by His body and blood.

Voices joining together,
Ezekiel 37
pages turning, murmurs of agreement.

Prophesying over the valley of dry bones.
Precious Body of Christ - let your bones come together,
let tendons and flesh cover you,
let the breath of the LIVING GOD enter you.
Rise up out of the grave
Dance before the KING!

Canada LIVE!!
Fulfill the destiny for which you were created.

You will bring healing to the nations..
For He has proclaimed it and it will come to pass.

Thy Kingdom Come, here in Canada
Thy Will be Done in our nation.

Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Butterfly Extravaganza

Sweet gathering of friends to celebrate a miracle.
Gift bags in hand, we enter with smiles and anticipation.
One in our midst is experiencing a dream come true and we are hovering excitedly about, laughing, loving, rejoicing.



Posing in pajamas,
Admiring wedding attire,
BLING!
Lovely Lingerie,
LEOPARD PRINT & ZEBRA!!
Modeling... giggles
Chocolate fondu with white wine,
CREAM PUFFS!
More pictures and laughter,
Ticking TIMERS!
A journey revealed in a journal
Prayers of thankfulness
Gifts for all
Painted BUTTERFLY rocks!
Symbols of HOPE


Answered prayers...

"Write down the revelation
and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it.
For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
It speaks of the end and will not prove false,
Though it tarry, wait for it.
It will certainly come and not delay."
Habakkuk 2:2,3

Tea Time

Fall is here for sure!!!

Today as I drove my daughter to school I delighted in the bright apples hanging like gigantic candies on the trees...so many different shades of red, so brilliant against the green leaves. Oh how I love living amidst the orchards and vineyards and mountains. I feel simply spoiled to see such incredible beauty on a daily basis.

These days the apple pickers are busy bringing in the harvest and bit by bit my lush landscape will turn to brown and grey. Sigh. So I make tea and enjoy cuddling into bed with the warm brew and my laptop. The shorter days have begun. I am glad that there are still apples on the trees outside my bedroom window and the sky just peeks out between the leafy branches. Changing seasons...

My "housemates" of the past six months are moving out this weekend! It has been such a precious thing to have my niece and her family living with me. Oh the fun of hearing those happy voices from the kitchen, smelling the delicious aromas that fill the house as exotic meals are cooked up and watching the little people play around the house and yard. God's goodness to me in a quieter season of my life. Now I will trust Him to fill my life and hopefully my home with new experiences and people.

I've begun teaching at the school but it has been a disorganized start. My desk disappeared so I'm feeling a bit lost trying to set up my workstation in other areas. I need to go out desk hunting so that I can feel more settled as I work with the kids. There is so much need and I feel overwhelmed knowing that I can only do so much. I'm grateful that God will be there working alongside me and giving wisdom. It's such a responsibility and privilege to have one on one time with these kids to speak value into their lives and to help them gain the basic necessity of reading. Oh how some of them struggle. I admire their courage and am grateful to be a small part of their lives for this season. May God use me to bless them I pray...

powerful pain

I have struggled with an "eye affliction" for several years now despite visits to specialists and various attempts to rid myself of the problem. It has surprised me how pain in one's eye can be so consuming and distracting. Such a small area yet so loaded with pain receptors. Perhaps because it is such a delicate and important part of the body it needs extra insurance that when there is a problem it WILL NOT be ignored!

The pain I struggle with as a result of this affliction comes and goes and thankfully is not a frequent visitor. However in this past week I had about four days of discomfort and I noticed that I was growing increasingly desperate with each day that passed. The wearing power of pain puts an amazing magnifying glass on one's ability to persevere and rejoice in the midst of trial. I found myself whining and speaking far too often of the trial I was undergoing. It's not like I was physically incapacitated by the problem but I was crawling into bed and curling up trying to sleep or disappear. The exhaustion brought on by this discomfort was emotional and physical. Almost embarrassing to admit that I can succumb so easily to a physical trial that is barely noticeable unless someone looks at the little swollen reddened area on my eyelid.

I found myself telling the Lord "it's not like I'm asking for the full meal deal here - just the eyes - if you could just heal my eyes". And I began asking for prayer - thankful that I have a community around me that is more than willing to pray if I ask. And then this morning as I sat in the car before going into the school to teach two good friends popped in to encourage me and they were only too happy to speak to the Lord on my behalf and to call forth healing, rebuking the infection. I was so grateful for the intercession on my behalf and later as I was out shopping I realized that I was pain free and I thanked my precious Jesus for rescuing me again.

It's interesting how the natural so often speaks of the invisible in our lives. The problem in my eyes is caused by blocked oil glands and I need the Lord to apply eye salve so the oil can once again flow over my eyes restoring their comfort and ability to see properly.

So Jesus, I ask for healing in the natural and in the spiritual. If I am somehow allowing blockage to create any kind of blindness in the spiritual realm I ask you to grant me the ability to push past the hindrance, to get rid of that which prevents clear sight. I command any spirits of infirmity or blindness to be rendered powerless in my life by the powerful name and blood of Jesus Christ.

"

The lamp of the body is the eye,
if therefore your eye is clear
your whole body will be full of light"
Matthew 6:22

I want to have clear eyes...I want my whole body to be full of light. I want the Body of Christ to have clear eyes, so that the Body of Christ will be full of light in a society of increasing darkness.

"Because you say 'I am rich and have become wealthy and have need of nothing'
and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked,
I advise you to buy from me gold refined by fire..
.and eyesalve to anoint your eyes that you may see". Rev. 3:17,18

So Jesus, I don't know exactly what this is all supposed to mean, but if I ask I shall receive, so I ask for the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation so that I may have the knowledge of Jesus and see what I am supposed to see. I ask for the ability to buy eyesalve so that I can see clearly...and I ask this for the Body of Christ as well.

Thank you for endlessly rescuing us. For giving us visible, even painful reminders of our need to pray and to call out for supernatural intervention.

Inspiration

I found the blog of a friend today and was inspired to do a posting, simply for fun. I noticed how she was able to post just a few lines one day and wax eloquent the next and it's all good!! I must let go of that "something" inside of me that says "if it's not just right it's better not to do it". (could that possibly be something as horrible as perfectionism at work inside of me?)

Well, I'm going to try to break free from the old mold and be a little more spontaneous and less serious about this whole blogging business! In school I tended to try to get things "just right" and life is too short for that! I've probably missed out on alot of opportunities due to that high achiever tendency. The pursuit of excellence is good, but sometimes you just need to "hang loose'!

So, here we go...just a few lines today to say "CARPE DIEM"!! (To prove my newfound freedom is at work here I'm not even going to look up the spelling of that word - haha!) Let's see if this allows me to visit this place more often!

Failure... or Not

It's nearing the end of summer. I lay here in my sweet bedroom with the sun shining in through the window, trying to figure out my state of mind. I'm sort of trying to analyze my feelings and thoughts. I say "sort of" because part of me is too afraid to go there all the way.

I will begin by saying I didn't do really well with the difficult thing I last posted about. I feel like I just barely passed the test, if at all. It makes me disappointed with myself for not being a superstar, for not putting on a lovely show and making everybody feel good, including myself.

There just didn't seem to be anything in me to put on the show, so I ran away from home. I was afraid of the small talk, underlying tension and pretending. I just did the bare essentials and they were really really bare. Nobody said much of anything regarding the difficult thing, and the most honest I got was telling someone involved that I wasn't able to stay to converse because there was still too much pain inside of me. Now, I must wonder if that was because I didn't draw on God's strength to do the very hard thing in a brilliant way or if I was supposed to get more real with myself and those around me. I still don't know and I've talked this thing out with several people. I feel like I've let God down and I'm afraid of asking Him. I know that sounds crazy because He is my best friend, but I'm feeling a little cut off lately.

I've been in a funny place these last couple of years though. Running out of gas to do the simple things that used to bring me life and that were so easy to do. They also made me look good and people would comment on how impressed they were with me. (In a round about way of course) Now I realize it was all God's grace that allowed me to do any of it in the first place. A good realization, but humbling too. I am definitely feeling smaller and smaller, and more and more insignificant. Struggling with simple things and not feeling really spiritual or strong or disciplined.

Wondering if I've run out of gas because of a "lack" on my part, not fulfilling my part of the deal or if God is simply pulling me away from so many things and so much busyness into Himself. I do feel like I've been pulled away from things, but I don't feel pulled into God as a result and I wonder if that is my fault?

I must remind myself that He is jealous for my affection, amazingly enough. That He's not disappointed with me. That He just wants me to draw close to listen to His Heart and to love from a place of being loved. I trust that He will show me if I really screwed up and that He'll help me to make it right if I did. I do want to live more honestly though and that part felt good. I just need to make sure that my honest living is not misinterpreted if I don't communicate properly. We are to "speak the truth in love".

Jesus help me to do this. To speak the truth in love. To trust you enough to listen again and to rest in your adequacy. I'm just limping along and I want to be carried by you for awhile. Carried so close that I can hear your heartbeat and feel your breath and just know your awesome power to transform my mistakes and redeem my failures.

I'm asking you to wash me with your costly blood and tears so that my hard heart will soften and my fears will melt away.

A Hard Thing

I'm being asked by the Father to do a hard thing. A very hard thing indeed. I need to extend kindness and grace and hospitality to one who has deeply hurt me and my family. Amazing the feelings that spring up from some hidden place; not feelings of mercy, but of anxiety and resentment. Thankfully I know that though the enemy would now like to taunt me I can operate out of the mind of Christ and do that which is humanly impossible "through Christ who strengthens me"!! I don't have to rely on myself but must call on Him who is able to do "exceedingly and abundantly MORE than all I can even ask or imagine.

So Father, I'm asking for a miracle. That I would pass this test. That I would love as you have loved me and forgive as you have forgiven me.

I choose to roll out the welcome mat in the Spirit. I renounce the spirit of division and strife. I welcome the Spirit of Jesus.

Come Holy Spirit and guard my heart and my tongue. Come and be present in this place.

Strengthen me with your righteous right hand.

I thank you in advance for miracles, because you're in the business of making them happen!!

I just need to trust and obey...

Summer contentment

Summer has arrived. Not what I expected, but the warmth and restfulness is such a blessing. Blue skies and maple leaves waving outside my bedroom window, the orchard rich with growing apples and a million green leaves, lush landscapes and colorful wildflowers along the roadside. I love living in paradise...

The Spring passed quickly, amazingly enough, and God took such good care of me throughout the time that my dear daughter was experiencing Mexico and life apart from me with a whole new tribe. I was amazed at the grace God poured out on me - ocean of grace to discover that He truly is enough for me.

If I will let Him be.

The choice is mine of course. He stands ready and waiting to whisk me into His arms, to extend comfort, to lay with me and to lead me in paths of righteousness. It's not all about me of course, as much as I tend to secretly imagine. A line from Scripture that I speak often to others comes to speak to me...

"Godliness with contentment is a means of GREAT GAIN". Yes Karen, contentment even if I'm not the one having the adventure. Contentment even if it's just me and Jesus laying here on my bed together, in silence. Contentment even if I don't have something fantastic to anticipate in the near future. Contentment when there are so many unknowns and hours alone. Contentment in the midst of discomfort... It is possible! It is letting Jesus be the most important One.

So I'm slowly remembering that it's about blessing Him by blessing others. Bringing pleasure to Jesus through simple acts of kindness that don't feel really significant or super spiritual. Smile. Funny how I've made things complicated by forgetting that loving God and our neighbors are the commandments that Jesus said were the most important.

So, in this summer that is so quiet for me and so not what I had anticipated, help me to remember, precious Jesus that I can bless you through the simplest acts.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. (have I thanked you today Lord for the safe pasture I enjoy? I am so grateful...)
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37

I'm not quite sure what the desires of my heart are right now at this transitional period of my life, but thankfully God knows what they are. I'd almost be afraid of asking for the wrong thing, so I'll just ask that He would line up my desires with His....more and more and more. One thing I do know that I want, at least I hope I do..."for my inheritance give me the lost". Does that sound too big? Not for God in me.

Well, enough ramblings on this lazy summer afternoon. He is with me and that is enough.

Rescued!

Something that was looming off in the distance for the last year and a half has now grown very, very close...within arms reach actually. I have known for quite some time that my very dear daughter would be taking a trip to Mexico this Spring with her entire Grade 11 class. It was fun to dream about at a distance and to talk about, but some mornings I would wake up and want to cry with the reality that this trip was becoming. Suddenly there were scuba diving classes and immunizations and the funds had to be in. Now it is three sleeps away and I need to let go....and trust God on a whole new level! I am thrilled for her, but at the same time I had been wishing that I would have something exciting to look forward to as well to carry me through these weeks. I didn't know how or when God would provide for me but He has. I don't have to anticipate these weeks alone, because God has set me in the midst of a family in my very own home!

And He, once again, has exceeded my hopes and expectations!!

At the end of March my lovely neice, her vivacious husband and their two precious kids moved in with us!! It was a rescue for them and a rescue for me and we have all been thoroughly enjoying this little community living arrangement. It is temporary but oh so perfect and my cup is filled to overflowing! I awaken to the happy voices of small children chattering away in the kitchen and am greeted with cheery hellos and big smiles from the family when I emerge from my bedroom. I am blessed to have my own room to escape to if I need my quiet time and they completely respect my privacy. They love the great outdoors and the yard is perfect for the kids. I love the little faces pressed against my bedroom window smiling and asking if they are allowed to feed the cat or showing me the latest butterfly they caught.

I am amazed at how healing community can be. To have people to sit and visit with over meals...something so often taken for granted but so life giving and precious. Sharing responsibilies and rejoicing together over the beauty of springtime which is finally bursting out over the landscape. The incredible joy of having small children exclaiming over the miracles of everyday life which we would otherwise miss.

Thankfully this is a very talkative and interactive bunch so I fit in just fine! Perhaps my introverted daughter is overwhelmed at times, but I feel right at home!! I am so grateful to God for this season and can see my future in a new light having experienced this richness. It won't always be this easy and delightful, but for now I will say THANKYOU and will continue to trust God for all the different seasons of life that are yet to unfold. He has proved Himself so faithful and so kind at a time when I really needed to be encircled and loved.

Well Loved

It was my birthday on Sunday!! Again! I celebrated with a picnic in my big backyard, inviting a wonderful assortment of family & friends, old and young, those known long and those more recently acquainted . Of course the guest of honor was Jesus and I made sure to ask Him to be there. He was, flowing like oil and wine, bringing joy and life.

We prayed, we sang, we ate and tasted of God's richest gifts. Relationships, friendships, love and laughter, food and fellowship in the grand outdoor cathederal. A frosty, overcast spring morning finally thawed into a warm afternoon when a few rays of sun broke through and we were able to enjoy our time together on the back patio. Children running and laughing. Teenagers huddled together on the trampoline, a group roasting marshmallows around the fire, and others on lawn chairs enjoying the tasty fare.

It brings me such joy to bring people together, to have celebrations in and around my home, to see people discovering each other and enjoying community. So that was my gift...Jesus moving in us and amongst us. The saved and the not yet saved, mingling together so that we could "taste and see that the Lord is GOOD!".

Flowers, gifts, cards and hugs...friends serving selflessly to make sure my party was a success. I am so very well loved. My precious parents & family members arriving and seeking me out to shower me with love. My amazing and dearly loved friends surrounding me and reminding me of how rich I am. So undeserving, yet well loved, nonetheless. So much grace...

A celebration of life. A celebration of Jesus... family, love, community, laughter... We choose to carve out times to celebrate as we journey along on this uncertain road leading to a sure and certain place. Oh the great joy of that knowledge.

Thank you Jesus. I welcome change & I welcome Your plans for this year. I want to bring You pleasure. I want to be Your friend and to learn to walk with you and not just try to live for you. Big aspirations but I have a very big God living inside little me. All things are possible, you said, so I am asking and looking forward to receiving.

Oh to be, a friend of God...

Low Ebb

Kinda funny....I haven't done a post in ever so long so I thought it was time to re-enter the blogger's world. However, upon trying to locate my blog, I was unable to do so. I had to look on my friend's site to find the reference to mine! Then when i tried to enter I discovered that I had forgotten the password. My goodness. So now I have a new password.

I was just wanting to explain that my life has felt like it's been on low ebb these past weeks. Perhaps these past months, when I come to think of it. Maybe even longer! I'm so glad that I don't have to perform for God or I'd be in big trouble. There's so little energy most days to do even the simplest things. But He Loves me!

And thus I continue to swim in oceans of grace. Ever so grateful.

God gave a wonderful time of respite during our trip to Hawaii and YWAM in February. It was more than I could have hoped for. Incredibly rich in beauty, relationships, teaching and worship. I am amazed when I think of how deeply I drank of the Lord's goodness and kindness during that time. I felt so loved, so connected and so hopeful. Old friendships were rekindled and new ones started. The Father reminded me again and again that I need not worry, just rest and trust and wait on Him.

So I returned home with my head held high and great expectation in my heart. I found great encouragement in the fact that this year on the Jewish calendar is somehow translated into the year of a new life cycle. I welcome that with all my heart!! I am ready for new beginnings and am eager to see what the Lord has in store. I'm needing something to pull me forward and to give me motivation...

There has been change in the wind for some time for me, but it hasn't yet been revealed what it will look like.

Letting go of this latest stage of mothering "children" has been exceedingly painful. I am so glad that Patrice is still at home with me, but I have mostly found in her an excellent friend, an equal in many ways and an emerging adult. So I must brace myself for her upcoming 6 week school trip to Mexico and ultimately for her moving on in God's paths where she will no longer be physically so close to me.

So perhaps grieving has had something to do with the "low ebb" I have felt, even though it's a normal, healthy letting go.

I'm so thankful for my students at the school who give me a reason to get up and get going every morning! It's been fun and hugely fulfilling to watch the lights go on in these ones who previously found reading to be their Mount Everest. What a gift to spend time with them and to watch them labour so diligently and then start to READ!! What a lovely miracle to behold and to be a part of.

And so I continue on. To wait on God to fill up my tank, to bring resolution to those places in my life that are feeling unfinished, and praying that He will "restore to me the joy of my salvation". (Psalm 51)

It doesn't feel very clear, but I know He holds my future and my today. So I humbly wait. Unable to be a superstar of any sort. But I know that I carry presence of the Living God within this broken humble frame. And that is enough. May I bring pleasure to His heart.

Purpose

The day is bright. Winter is here in her full glory. Snow... stark branches revealing a broad landscape. Blue skies and crisp cold air. Wispy clouds over snow capped hills. Brave birds looking for food and chirping in spite of the scarce fare.

Much to my delight and surprise I'm enjoying winter. I had declared not long ago that I HATED winter, but God rescued me and I am able to enjoy the season despite the increased darkness and cold.

I marvel sadly how long it has been since I have posted anything here. It would cross my mind on occasion, but somehow I've discovered that I am not one who can consistently pump out daily editorials such as I find on other blogs that I visit. My admiration for these ones has grown and I must be content with my abilities and the waxing and waning of energy which dictates my schedule.

Part of the reason I believe for my lack of energies invested here is that I have begun to TEACH!! My mind has been busied in a new direction and my days, thankfully, have more structure and purpose. The course that I began to study this summer to help those with dyslexia and reading lag has led me into a different world which has broadened my horizons.

I have had the privilege of working with three students who have enriched my life and whom I have been able to practically help. We have such fun together (when the lessons are not too overwhelmingly exhausting for them) and I find that this is actually about much more than helping kids to decode words. What a privlege to be able to listen to their hearts and to speak encouragement into these precious ones who struggle with something most of us take completely for granted. In turn, their friendship and trust has warmed my heart and given me hope. Interacting with their families has also enriched my life and increased my admiration for those who pour out immense energy and love on their struggling children.

I have been humbled by my lack of experience and meager knowledge, but God has partnered me with the designer of the program who speaks constant encouragment into me and who sees who I will become rather than how little I presently know. Our common desire to love Jesus in practical ways by helping others is a great common denominator and her patience with me and infectious optimism in this program is such a gift to me. Despite my stumbling along and inexperienced efforts I have seen much improvement in my students which leads me to want to know more and to continue on with this discipline. I am trusting that what God has begun, He will use for His glory as I continue to push myself to increase my knowledge and understanding of the myriad of ways that different minds learn and how to match their learning styles with suitable teaching!

So, that's where I've been. In the midst of all of that I've had a most delightful Christmas season with many celebrations and gatherings in my home. Singing of carols with family around the tree, delicious feasts, laughter, gifts, games and fabulous friends. I am rich beyond compare. I am grateful to the Father of Lights for coming into this dark world and setting my heart aflame with passion for Him. I'm thankful for the new beginnings I am experiencing and for those which are yet to come!