So Tired

I have been on a "tired" leg of this life journey...
Not having the strength or energy or passion to do things that previously brought me so much joy or fulfillment.

When I think of doing simple things, like baking, or writing a letter, or visiting someone who is in the hospital it seems to take a monumental effort to rouse myself to action. And teaching Sunday School has now completely drifted off my grid!
I've taught classes for most of the past 16 years or more. Arriving with a huge basket of things to do, making huge posters with the precious kids, singing and dancing around the class, teaching them about their value and enjoying God with them. Hosting class parties in my home - a gaggle of excited, giggling, energetic young girls screaming through my house! It was exhausting but so fulfilling. And I had the grace to do it.
Now if a teacher is required I don't even volunteer for one class!! The thought sends me running for the hills!! (or my bed to be more exact...)

I've come to realize more and more that it is all grace.

The ability to cope with life from the confines of a wheelchair...
Raising kids, travelling, teaching, sewing, baking,
counselling, prayer ministry, leading groups, public speaking.
All this while trying to cope with a marriage that was lonely & troubled.
And a broken body that somehow managed to cooperate under the influence of an extremely strong will!

And God.

It was actually Him all along giving me the strength, courage and passion to do what I needed to do.
I thought it was about me somehow, but it was simply me working out of the ability and strength that He gave.
And now He is allowing me to recognize that my value does not lie in what I do.
That I bring Him pleasure even when I'm not performing.

People love a performer.
God wants a Lover.

Thankfully I have days where there is energy and I am grateful to be able to do tasks around the house and desk work that has been waiting for my attention. He gives me the strength and joy to meet with kids and help them to read. I am able to host gatherings in my home for which I am extremely grateful. It gives me life.
And then I go lay down and rest. Alot.
It's almost embarrassing how much I rest.

If only I was passionately pursuing God during these down times, but strangely enough, I don't even have the energy to do that. I beat myself up most mornings blaming it on lack of self discipline and I lay there feeling terribly guilty about all the things I haven't done and should do. I awaken very, very early giving me a LONG time to think and pray. I would far rather sleep if it was up to me..

But He pours out grace again and again. Just to be.
I need to rest in Him.
To obey when He speaks and not move out of obligation.

So, here is my little confession of tiredness.

I pray that I will learn what the Father wants me to learn during this season.
There is sadness mingled in as well as I watch my aging parents and my growing children.
Wondering about the role I am now to play.

But He says He will give me beauty for ashes
and the oil of joy in place of mourning.

Come Lord Jesus...