A season of change is upon me. I cannot fight it and of course I know where the whole journey is leading so it's rather surprising that I don't embrace this more heartily!
BUT...
I have been gifted with a mother's heart, and my flesh is often weak and wants to be comforted. And all in all, I believe that we feel pain because we are created in His image. He has not only a Father's heart, but a Mother's heart, so He totally knows where I'm at with all of this. He also has a Son with whom He bore the most agonizing separation ever imaginable so my pitiful whining seems almost negligible. Can't even begin to compare. But He knows, and He feels my little pains and watches with great tenderness. Oh my precious Father. There He is, His closeness making me cry again.
Man, I'm sounding so melodramatic, this story is by now almost anti-climactic!
My precious firstborn, my only son is planning his grand adventure of "moving out" for the very first time. What fun for him. I really do rejoice with him and am excited in my own way, imagining the delight of starting out fresh - as an adult in your own place. Away from momma and surrounded by friends. He phoned this morning, out gathering treasures at garage sales to fill his new home with. I'm eager to help him where I can but it's hard to imagine the house without his actually "living here". I was hoping this wouldn't happen yet. He's only 20. Smile.
The other week, as the realization really began to settle in, I woke up three mornings and actually cried about it. Out loud. That is not a common occurrence in my life. I'm known for being fairly strong - kind of like a bulldozer that just keeps chugging along, moving whatever debris it needs to to continue on in that narrow path. So, having done my crying, I need to do what I need to constantly be doing. Trust. God tells me that all the time. It's the underlying message in all of our lives. Of course we'll never figure it all out down here. So we trust. Trust in God's goodness, His promises, His presence that will never, ever leave us alone. Never, ever.
That's good for me to remember so that I don't try to pull the pity thing. Trying to put a heavy on Daniel by asking him why he would leave me and his sister alone on a 10 acre orchard out in the country. I know that this is temporary, I'll probably be moving into town sometime this year and anyways, we're never, ever alone out here. God is just as much with me when I'm out here as he is when I'm in a crowded room in the city. How great that we can never get away from His presence. And then there's always those angels that He keeps posted around me and my loved ones.
"O Lord you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely,
O Lord.
You hem me in - behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me.
Your right hand will hold me fast."
Psalm 139: 7-10
So, with a shaky breath I bravely face the near future which is once again rapidly changing. There are more changes to come - that is a certainty! And if I just keep taking one day at a time like I've been slowly learning to do, sometimes one hour at a time, I'll be just fine. God has so many surprises in store for me. Even when my kids grow up and away, it's not like I won't see them anymore! And God will provide something else for me to focus on. Growing up is truly a lifelong process.
1 comment:
How beautifully you express this transition in your life. I love how you compare the seperation God experienced with His own son. We think of the forsaken cry Jesus made from the cross, but do not imagine the pain this caused for his Heavenly Father. Very interesting to ponder. I remember well, 5 years ago, the depth of my own feelings when my first born son was preparing to leave home. Even though this was a natural transition, I had no preparation for how much anxiety and grief this downloaded in my heart. I knew when he left that he would not ever live under our roof again even though he would be home for vacation. The sense of loss was huge for me and yet I knew this was a good thing for him to be independent, to seek his place in the world. I did not want to hold him back and yet I doubted whether I had truly equipped him to face the world alone. I remember God whispering to me that my son would not be alone, that God would guide him and fill in all the parenting gaps I had left unfinished. Whatever hardships would come, God would be enough for him. It was safe to let go for under my son were the everlasting arms of a God who loved him more than I ever could. And those same arms were under me as I struggled to let go.
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