Forty-Five

I turned 45 this past Friday. Surrounded by those who love me. Balloons, flowers, gifts and cards. Most of all, those who love me and accept me. Most of all God, even though He's feeling a little distant lately. I'm sure He hasn't gone anywhere. He was there in my family and friends. I wouldn't mind some kind of a personal encounter though - something a little more..."other worldly" and life changing.

But tonight, as I picked up last week's church bulletin I noticed something I had written down during Alistair Petrie's message. It was rather a riveting statement:

"Pride and personal ambition are driven out by brokenness."

Yes, I'm feeling rather broken these days in a few places. And obviously this is a good thing, but due to paralysis, lethargy and a good whack of sadness I'm not jumping up and down with joy about the whole broken thing. I am grateful at some deep level, because the last thing I want to be full of is pride and personal ambition! So broken is good. yah.

Funny thing, now that I think about it....Alistair gave us the opportunity to stand if we wanted God's plumbline to go down into our lives - to pursue righteousness as a lifestyle. (I'm having a hard time remembering the exact wording of why we were invited to stand, I only know that it felt really right. Not in a fun super spiritual way, but in that "pick up your cross and follow me" way). Now, I didn't stand as "the miracle" hasn't manifested yet, but my arm was in the air indicating that I was standing at some level. In fact, in my great zeal I think I threw up both of my arms at some point during that call. Wow. I knew as I did it that there would be a cost as I've done this numerous times and am living proof that the cost is real.

But it will be worth it. And God promises to be close to me in my season of brokenness. It says that He is close to those who are broken & with a contrite heart. (or something like that) The link to listening to that message which was quite powerful can be found at www.newlife.bc.ca Look under messages (perhaps audio) and the date of Alistair Petrie's preach was April 22. It's a sobering powerful message - one to be heeded by the church today.

The Yard

It's a funny thing - me - trying to do yardwork. Our automatic sprinklers are not on yet and I am getting concerned about the thirsty grass which is going from it's fresh brand new green to a tired yellow. ALREADY!! And for some reason the regular sprinklers that we occasionally purchase seem to disappear so I end up trying to rescue the lawn and trees, lumbering along in my wheelchair through the grass and dragging that immensely heavy hose behind me.



Yet it brings me great pleasure, being outside, listening to the sweetest bird songs, pulling the occasional weed from the bark mulch and trying to clean out my flowerbeds for the colorful delights I hope to plant soon. Jewel is a wonderful companion - coming to steal kisses from me as I am hunched over some piece of the earth unable to defend myself. She is so satisfied with my company and I with hers. What a treasure she is.



We got her just over five years ago, in February. She was advertised for free in the paper and her name was Jewel. Half golden lab and half Bouvier. A lovely black hairy creature with a heart of pure gold. Big bushy eyebrows and a beard to boot! At first we tried to figure out a new name for her, but somehow we couldn't come up with anything we all agreed on so she remained "Jewel". A name that has suited her perfectly. A more gentle animal you could not wish for.



She had a lump removed this past February and I was hoping all would be well minus the lump. But recently she's started limping and is becoming very lethargic. As we drive up the driveway we are no longer greeted by her leaps of joy and eager presence. She just lays there in the grass or in the dirt hole next to the house and feebly wags her tail. It's pathetic and has me quite concerned. I just can't justify much more money for the vet, as it's been so expensive this year already. So I will wait awhile longer and keep feeding her fresh bones from the butcher and praying for her health to return. I encouraged her to get up as I was outside working and soon she was wandering happily about, sniffing the latest offering which have been left by neighboring dogs on the bushes and sitting near me hoping for a good neck scratch. Her limp was not so pronounced today so I will hope and pray for her recovery so that we can continue to enjoy our precious Jewel.

Piece of Paradise

The Father has seen fit to place me in a piece of paradise. My heart is so full and content as my eyes take in the scenes around me...the glories of Spring are spread out in every direction. Each window I peer out of holds marvelous beauty and delight. I awaken to the singing of birds and the little mysterious frog that croaks to me, cheering my heart. I have never seen him, but I take such pleasure in his strange little sounds. They are so comforting - mostly he sings at night.

The grass is green - how kind of the Father to carpet the earth and scatter lovely yellow dandelions to humbly sing His glories.

The Creator and His Creation...His magnificence is displayed in a million ways. I feel incredibly privileged to live up here on the orchard where I am so visibly reminded, constantly, of His beauty. The mountains surround this little valley, and I sit high up, enjoying the vistas and the stunning drive up the hill that brings me here. It begins on the low grounds where there are pussy willows and bushes where the red winged blackbirds dart about - proudly showing off their colors. I wind up the long hill, looking eagerly for the sheep and their lambs that have their faces plastered to the grass - grazing so contentedly. The varied orchards - beautiful trees in rows, awaiting their turn to bear blossoms, leaves and fruit. The lake that emerges as I go higher - brilliant blue, or other shades depending on the skies and clouds. The green pines, wildflowers, bushes in blossom and finally the school ground spilling over with laughing children announce that I am almost home.

These have been years of pure grace, living out in the country. Seeing the stately horses riding by, occasionally a tiny pony pulling a cart, people walking their assortment of dogs and a dirt biker happily zooming by. Shouting and cheers from the schoolyard where baseball games or soccer games bring out families in droves. And if I head out to the back of the property I look down to see the city in all its beauty, encircling the lake and surrounded by the mountains.

The blue, blue sky, the warmth and brightness of the sun, the mountains that still hold a few traces of snow, the trees around the house unfolding their leaves and my faithful tulips, tryng to grow in the few places where Jewel hasn't dug them up to find a cozy resting place in the dirt.

I love my piece of paradise. I don't know how long I'll be up here, but I want to delight in every moment - to give glory to the Creator. It's all a gift. And I give thanks…

EnCircled

God has many Faces...
He surrounds me in a myriad of ways.
His lovingkindness towards me never ends.

In His great kindness He has provided for me an abundance of the most amazing and wonderful friends and family members. I simply don't deserve any of it so I enjoy and give thanks and am amazed, again and again.

Such variety, beauty, fun, uniqueness, laughter, and most of all love - if I have eyes to see, I will know that God touches me every day, through others in a multitude of ways. He expresses Himself with such creativity through his beloved people.

I don't know why I have been encircled by so much of His goodness - by so many friends that reflect so much of my Father. Oh but I am sooo grateful.

The little people he puts into my life bring such brightness and joy. The simplicity and honesty and genuineness of these young ones is so incredibly lovely. They make me happy!

The elderly - those who gently hug me, touch my shoulder in passing, remind me of their prayers and look into my soul with so much wisdom are great gifts which I need to honor in tangible ways.

A praying, wise, Godly, very kind mother who has shown me the love of God in the most practical but life changing ways is a gift I'll never comprehend. We often ask the question "WHY?" in life...but it's usually about the hard things that are sent our way. I must ask the same question, but it's more of an amazed "why me?". Why would God place tiny me into the arms of one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege of knowing? I am stunned at the grace the Lord has poured on me through this woman.

A father who epitomized honesty and was very righteous, even though He didn't walk with the King of Righteousness. There has been a righteous root that has stretched into His life and I pray that it will yet change him into the likeness of His Creator. My dad has been a provider and teacher of many good qualities for which I am thankful.

A sister and brother who love me and accept me and surround me with love and kindness in so many practical ways. They are not only my siblings, but precious friends. I was the baby and they spoiled me - they still spoil me with so much love. What more can I say? smile.

My kids - OH. MY. GOODNESS. Talk about being undeserving and getting the best of the best. I am so enjoying my kids becoming adults and friends. Both so original, so unique and so beautiful. Watching their characters develop - exhibiting integrity, honesty, kindness, and just being so real. Wow - my heart sometimes feels like it could explode with love and thankfulness.

And the multitude of friends that have crossed my path over the many years of my life. Some for shorter legs of the journey and others that have been with me for the long haul. I can't begin to name them, but God knows these gifts and what they mean to me. They are His Hands, His eyes, His great expansive, extravagant heart poured out onto and into my life in such endless and unique ways...

The practical acts of kindness
The cards, the e-mails, the letters, the gifts
The words of encouragement
The tears shed along with mine
The laughter that is shared so freely and often
The moments or hours spent in prayer - together - a priceless gift I treasure
The wise words of counsel
The many celebrations - picnics, dinners, BBQ's, - so many reasons to party!

I could go on and on and on...simply because God does. I can never outdo Him!!

He just keeps showing me more of His beauty. And I keep falling more deeply in love with the Friend of all Friends, Jesus. The One from whom all these beautiful gifts flow.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down
from the Father of Heavenly Lights"
James 1:17

Yes, I am EnCircled. By God...through the friends and family He has surrounded my life with. And now I must go and get ready for one of these precious ones who is coming to spend the evening with me!

How blessed am I??? SO BLESSED!!!!!

The Quote

In my post entitled "Suffering" (April 2) I referred to a writing by C.S. Lewis that I had read some years ago. Strangely enough, I picked up a devotional book to read during Lent and there was the exact quote so I wanted to post it in it's entirety. It seems to explain for me some of the perplexities we face in life - learning to be "in the world and not of it" and trying to figure out pain in the midst of it all. It's that strange inter-mingling of suffering and joy that we need to learn to live with and somehow, taking it up a notch, remember that we have been instructed to, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all cirucmstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"The Christian doctrine of suffering explains a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bath or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home."

C.S. Lewis from "The Problem of Pain"

Inevitable

A season of change is upon me. I cannot fight it and of course I know where the whole journey is leading so it's rather surprising that I don't embrace this more heartily!

BUT...

I have been gifted with a mother's heart, and my flesh is often weak and wants to be comforted. And all in all, I believe that we feel pain because we are created in His image. He has not only a Father's heart, but a Mother's heart, so He totally knows where I'm at with all of this. He also has a Son with whom He bore the most agonizing separation ever imaginable so my pitiful whining seems almost negligible. Can't even begin to compare. But He knows, and He feels my little pains and watches with great tenderness. Oh my precious Father. There He is, His closeness making me cry again.

Man, I'm sounding so melodramatic, this story is by now almost anti-climactic!

My precious firstborn, my only son is planning his grand adventure of "moving out" for the very first time. What fun for him. I really do rejoice with him and am excited in my own way, imagining the delight of starting out fresh - as an adult in your own place. Away from momma and surrounded by friends. He phoned this morning, out gathering treasures at garage sales to fill his new home with. I'm eager to help him where I can but it's hard to imagine the house without his actually "living here". I was hoping this wouldn't happen yet. He's only 20. Smile.

The other week, as the realization really began to settle in, I woke up three mornings and actually cried about it. Out loud. That is not a common occurrence in my life. I'm known for being fairly strong - kind of like a bulldozer that just keeps chugging along, moving whatever debris it needs to to continue on in that narrow path. So, having done my crying, I need to do what I need to constantly be doing. Trust. God tells me that all the time. It's the underlying message in all of our lives. Of course we'll never figure it all out down here. So we trust. Trust in God's goodness, His promises, His presence that will never, ever leave us alone. Never, ever.

That's good for me to remember so that I don't try to pull the pity thing. Trying to put a heavy on Daniel by asking him why he would leave me and his sister alone on a 10 acre orchard out in the country. I know that this is temporary, I'll probably be moving into town sometime this year and anyways, we're never, ever alone out here. God is just as much with me when I'm out here as he is when I'm in a crowded room in the city. How great that we can never get away from His presence. And then there's always those angels that He keeps posted around me and my loved ones.

"O Lord you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely,
O Lord.

You hem me in - behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me.
Your right hand will hold me fast."

Psalm 139: 7-10

So, with a shaky breath I bravely face the near future which is once again rapidly changing. There are more changes to come - that is a certainty! And if I just keep taking one day at a time like I've been slowly learning to do, sometimes one hour at a time, I'll be just fine. God has so many surprises in store for me. Even when my kids grow up and away, it's not like I won't see them anymore! And God will provide something else for me to focus on. Growing up is truly a lifelong process.

SecretS

Just thinking about those special, intimate secrets we share with God. Things between very best friends, treasures that are mulled over and enjoyed immensely...the comraderie of knowing the two of you share something no one else does. I can feel His pleasure when I keep those things just between the two of us. Too often I blow it and am so eager to make the circle of sharing bigger, but often in doing that, some of the magic - if I can use the word in this context- is lost.

It's somehow linked to His admonition to us not to let our left hand know what our right hand is doing. Sometimes in sharing the secret I feel like I spoil something of eternal value. A treasure that was heavenly and eternal is somehow reduced to having all of it's glory spilled out only for the here and now. Not that it's always bad, or even wrong. But the choice to keep the secret, knowing all of the glory is His anyways, is mine to make. I think I usually give in and share it, kind of like I'm still a little kid in so many ways and want the party now...but I pray that I'll learn to keep these secrets. These special glimplses I'm given into things of eternal value. When Jesus lets me know that through me He's touched someone, made a difference, helped someone see a teensy bit more of His beauty. Those times when He shows me beauty in something I never thought beautiful before, but suddenly I'm seeing in an eternal light.

It's been a prayer that I've prayed at times, that I'd see after the Spirit rather than after the flesh. I'm such a late bloomer in so many ways, slow to grow to maturity in things that really matter.

But He is infinitely patient. And He still shares the secrets with me - still trusts me. Now that's a real wonder, considering how well He knows me. I'm just so crazy about Him. One day I'll see His face and touch His Hands...but until then He's given me so much of Himself to explore and enjoy. When I remember to, I pray that He'll set a guard over my tongue. It's one of my biggest blessings and biggest downfalls - this busy mouth of mine.

I wish I was at my other computer so I could look up the scripture about how He shares His secrets with us. But I'm tucked into bed without my big bible and concordance. Just finished a wonderful novel by Cindy Martinusen called "EVENTIDE". I love the references to eternity in this novel - it all boils down to those two important things, loving God and loving each other. They are inseparable. And not running away from our destiny, from the hard things in life which often lead to the most beauty and joy.

May I love God enough to keep His secrets. Oh precious Lover of My Soul, I want to be trustworthy.

Oh, EASTER!

I lay in bed, hearing the birds sing on this Easter Monday...pondering the events of this past weekend. What a privileged people we are - we who believe in the death of Jesus and the RESURRECTION of Jesus Christ. We who ponder, amazed at the wonder that Someone - the God of the Universe would pour Himself out in such a way to release us from the captivity of our selfish wanderings. "Christ Jesus, who, existing in the form of God did not consider equality with God as something to be used for His own advantage. Instead He emptied Himself..." Philippians 2:5,6,7

I have been uncomfortably aware of the sin that plagues me - in my thoughts, the many, many deeds that go undone. Unkind reactions and words. The list goes on and on. I am utterly and completely aware of my deep, deep, DESPERATE need for Jesus. His Blood, His death, His life and His most amazing and powerful LOVE.

I come undone, because of Him.

He makes me new, and, wonder of wonders, dwells with me.

He desires me! It is almost incomprehensible.

Again, amazing grace. Thank goodness our praise and worship of His Greatness begins here on earth and goes on for eternity. I'm so glad that I will have eternity to praise Him, to bow down and kiss His scarred feet, to embrace Him and to dance with Him.

He actually desires me... enough to die a horrendous death to redeem me.


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Good Friday was truly Good. An interchurch service - bringing Him great joy, no doubt - where we put aside our differences and gather in Unity to remember His death...and celebrate. Strange and wonderful. The day ended with a viewing of "The Passion of the Christ" accompanied by a headache that grew into a migraine. Oh the pain of watching the agony of Jesus and feeling my own small suffering simultaneously. Ended the day with communion in my bed. He meets me here. His pain mingled with my own tiny tastes of suffering. It's hard enough watching that movie when I'm feeling good...

Easter Sunday. Worship, Drama, Balloons - children rejoicing, the Body playing, dancing and celebrating. Such good news we hardly know what to do with ourselves..."He is RISEN - HE IS RISEN INDEED!!!"

A house FULL of family and guests. Celebrating around a table laden with gifts from above. Music and praise flowing from the living room - my sister actually playing guitar and singing - coming out of a valley of great darkness. The voices of other overcomers joining in and lifting up the Name of Jesus. And my unsaved 81 year old father in the midst of all of this, on the threshold of decision...fighting every step of the way, but being prayed inch by inch over that unbelief. My beautiful Godly mother radiating the joy and presence of Jesus. And all the other treasures that gifted my home...

The evening ended with a sweet time of prayer - calling forth that which is not yet and believing for miracles. Blessing those who gathered together in the Name of Jesus to celebrate this most glorious Event - the Resurrection of Jesus and His most certain imminent return.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

SuFFering

Not the nicest title for a post, I know. Suffering. But it's part of the package deal from what I've found on my journey. And it seems not to be very evenly distributed. Just like good looks, talent, intelligence and material possessions don't seem to be fairly distributed amongst mankind from our tiny vantage point down here.

But there's so much we don't see.

What a relief that God is God and I'm not!! I'm so glad I'm not in charge of handing out these various "treasures"! And I must admit that suffering has been a gift in my life, as much as I've wanted to run from it at times. It reminds me that life is about so much more than what we see and feel and experience down here. It's easier not to get caught up in the "rat race" if just getting through a day is a struggle. Not that most days are like that...but some are. And that's ok. Those days remind me that we're only here for a very little while.

Our time down here is short but vitally important. So those very things that seem to rob the "pleasure" out of life are really arms of grace pushing me into what matters most. Jesus. And anything that gets me looking at Him, longing for Him and loving Him more is worth it in the long run. Really, it is. (At the moment I'm not in intense pain so I can say this...smile)

And then the true pleasure comes. (If I don't try to hide. If I choose to look at Him, worship Him and throw myself over the cliff of faith and land in His arms.)
The pleasure of His presence.
The pleasure of pleasing Him.
The pleasure of reveling in His beauty and creation and life.
The pleasure of hearing Him tell me that He really, really loves me. That He's proud of me. Amazing Grace.

"There's far more to this life than trusting in
Christ. There's also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much
a gift as the trusting." Philippians 1: 29? (The
Message)

So...what am I really saying here? I'm not even sure. Just admitting that life can be really hard sometimes. I've watched so much suffering around me this year. So much. And I don't even live in Calcutta! But God continues to rescue and give perspective and courage and strength for the journey. So that we can pursue the reason that we have been given life - to be conformed into the image of His Son (Romans 8:29). Often I forget about that part and just concentrate on getting through the tough spots. (I too like the comfortable parts of life!!)

Having said all of that I also know that He loves to give us an abundance of gifts if we will have the eyes to see them...and enjoy them. I am overwhelmed when I think of how much God has given me - how much He has allowed me to see and enjoy and experience. I recall a quote by C.S. Lewis I believe, that talked about God not allowing us to get too comfortable down here so we don't mistake this world for our home. Well, I for one can certainly say that I'm glad that this is NOT the end of the journey and this is not my real "home".

THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!