Heart Overhaul by special request

I don't particularly like the number nine and am quite happy to see this year end and have the new crisp number ten emerge as the New Year! It hasn't been a bad year, by any means. It's actually been full of so much goodness.

2009 recapped (I'm terrible at "recapping" but here goes...)

*both kids at home = happy mama
*a house guest = friend for me to help long winter months along
*trip to Calgary = the bean turned 18!
*found free doggies in the paper!! A double portion from Jesus.
*a graduate, houseguests, summer fun
*a budding romance between the son and the houseguest!
*two fun weddings in two weeks, the son in both of them, (but not as the groom!)
*outings to the lake with the doggies and oma & others, so much fun
*oma slowly gets healthier and stronger, very slowly
*new life for my sister, she is alive and getting healthier,
*she's even doing art by the end of the year! her house is redone, painted and tiled
*the bean is painting = hard work in the summer sun
*big fires on the Westside
*an amazing trip to Ottawa to witness God's blessing on our nation
*fun at Parliament etc. with dear friend
*little Luca arrives to bring delight to all
*dear niece here to learn midwifery
*back to college in the fall for TESL
*so much stress but fun with new classmates
*back to HCS to teach reading - more comfortable with this
*love the kids
*difficult to be teaching SS again - stepped in again too soon = lots of stress
*doggie overdoses - she lives!
*papa turns 84 = fun family times with 4 generations together
*sweet Christmas season
*reconciliation at church, it's a beginning

So I look forward. To 2010.
Praying for lots of grace. Asking for wisdom.
Lord I believe = help my unbelief.
Asking for love. The heart of Jesus to beat in my breast.
The eyes of Jesus to teach me to see
What's important to Him.
A heart overhaul, really is what I need.

Ask and you shall receive. (said by someone really reliable)

It's A Wonderful Life

Truly, it's been a most lovely Christmas. The house is cozy with so many little lights and the Christmas tree full of homey memorable decorations. God provided Joey to help Patrice with the tree and it was so fun to laugh over the assortment of decorations, trying to remember who made what. Even lots of baking was done - shortbread, crackle top molasses cookies, peanut butter chocolate chip... Snow came for a bit in the middle of December and then left.

You can see that the dogs discovered chocolate in Patrice's stocking...

We attended the Christmas Eve service at Oma's church and all sat together in one happy bunch. Lots of familiar faces, all of us growing wiser and more beautiful in that wrinkly sort of way.
The joy of singing the carols - familiar words with a wonderful, spell-binding, unbelievably good, earth shattering message!! We've heard it so often but I pray it will only grow more amazing and more revelatory to me the older I get.
What God did should just take our breath away.
For us. For relationship. Oh my goodness, it is truly very very good news!!

Then off to Oma's for an evening meal, laughter around the table and exchanging of gifts. God sent us extra blessings to round out our numbers making the evening even more joyful. I love it when He sends the extras!! And to have my kids both with me made my heart sing.

Christmas morning, sunny and crisp. Lounging in my bed where the kids came and we visited, laughing, enjoying the dogs and sharing stories. More gifts and preparations done for the day ahead. And pictures, with the dogs, and the kids. They cooperated, probably as a Christmas gift. It ended up being so funny. Like trying to pose with small children that won't look at the camera, or sit still.

A surprise visit from my new college friend and her big poodle rounded out the morning. She came bearing a lovely gift and her smile and the doggie play time outside in the cold was a delight. God sends the most beautiful people my way!

Then off to the Gagnon's for brunch and love and games and relaxation. A sudoku race, walk to the park and a prayer of blessing over Daniel as he made his way to his newfound love. I am learning to share. It hurts, but it's a good hurt. Healthy and right.

 And the grande finale was turkey dinner at my sister's, followed by PAVLOVA (YUM!!) and a rousing round of carols accompanied by myself on the piano (surprised even me) and my sister on the flute. Just like the old days!

Thanks Jesus for putting on the best birthday party - you are so worth celebrating!!

Birthdays and Funerals

I ought to be doing homework, but I'm not.
It will get done.
On time.
It always does, somehow or other!

Instead of doing homework today I had the privilege of attending two marvelous events.
A birthday followed immediately by a funeral!

A very dear friend of mine is turning 50 on Christmas Day so we put on an "almost surprise party" for her early. (Her daughters, knowing she hates surprises let her know in general terms that something was up!) It was a wonderful, wonderful party. Laughter, tears, honor, good food and gifts flowed together around that long table overlooking the winter landscape at the lakeside. Beauty, inside and out.



Friends and daughters, bound together by a common faith and years of life experiences.
Such a rich blend of personalities and ages.

Love a deep river we swim in together.

I'm honored to be in this circle of friendship and family.
It all blends together in such a comforting way after all these years.
The honored one in the center.
She who loves so well, so deeply.
Nurturing, giving, full of wise counsel, humble, laughing easily.
Rooted and grounded in love. Abounding in love,
Just like the One she has sought after and imitated all these years.





We sat long and enjoyed each other. Aware of the gift of life.
Every year a treasure.


It didn't seem so wrong at all to go straight to a celebration of a life well lived
following this joyous birthday luncheon.
The celebration was for a Godly woman, 91 who left behind a legacy of prayers answered,
a multitude of children and grandchildren and a challenge to those who knew her.
One whose faith was rock solid.
Her life one of humble service.
Welcomed home at last,
Finished her race.
Finished it very well.
She must be enjoying the welcome party on the other side.
Enjoying her new body and gazing on her Savior's face.

It's all gonna be worth it!

Darker Evenings

There's something very cozy about dark evenings in autumn.
Once I adjust to the fact that the daylight hours are diminishing, that is.
At first I complain bitterly about the encroaching darkness, then I grudgingly hunker down for the long evenings.
Missing the light and bright outdoors.

But slowly I'm warming to the idea of a winter with my two kids at home.
It may be our last season like this - just the three of us sharing evening meals and taking life at a slower pace.
Moving about so peacefully, sharing little tidbits of each other's lives...
Music, stories, movies, food, silence.
The beautiful daughter at the computer, discovering tunes and other worlds,
Trying to figure out what to do with her future...
The son, organizing papers, playing guitar or disappearing into his room for long visits on the phone.
There is a budding romance in the works.
And I, usually reclining on my bed reading, doing homework or viewing the world on my laptop.
The dogs keeping vigil and company.
Two furry friends dropped out of heaven to brighten these long dark evenings.

As my world will likely change soon, I'm tempted to give in to sadness.
I can feel the plates moving beneath me and I must fight off the demons of fear.

He will go with me into my new beginnings. He tells me not to worry about tomorrow.
Because each day has enough trouble of it's own. Why borrow from the future?
So for now I will enjoy the richness of this season.
Before the landscape changes I will try to be fully present.
Present to discover and enjoy Him and those He has given me to love.
As He is fully present.
Right here, right now.

So I ask for grace to enjoy this long dark season.
To be aware of His light and warmth and to bask in it.
For as surely as winter follows fall,
spring will come again.

Thankful

In a season of life
where I'm finding it
far too easy to feel sorry for myself ...

I can choose!
To be thankful!!
And I am
of course.
How could I not be?!

The fall colors alone make my spirit dance
Twirling leaves
Golden puddles spreading beneath the trees
The fresh crisp air
Sunshine warming the changing landscape

Time with the kids
Evenings together
at home
Meals shared
Laughter and warmth.
I'm so grateful

A warm home
Chai Tea on rainy afternoons
Breadmaker!
Car to drive
Friends to have lunch with
Sweet students to teach
Music - so much music!
Phonecalls
Pictures
Provision
A full fridge
Heat bags
right out of the microwave
brought by my daughter
A family
A church
A Father who loves me
Unconditionally.
Libraries
Books to read and listen to
Movies
E-mail messages from afar
Dishwasher
Doggy one and
Doggy two =)
A mother's voice on the phone
Saturday nights
Baby to squeeze
Children laughing and running
A full house
A quiet house
My God fills my life

I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart
I will enter His courts with Praise!

For in His presence is fullness of joy!

Words don't Suffice

So much suffering
Grief observed
Loss incomprehensible
Long days stretch before
these dear ones,
widowed so young.
Oh so alone
The future formidable.

My own loss intermingled
My own loneliness insignificant
in comparison
but overwhelming, crushing.
Raw my heart.
Not widowed, but alone.
Rejected and betrayed.

Watching young love
in the midst of my pain
Somehow joy but also grief.
How can it be?
All in one heart.
All at one time.

Responsibility
I carry alone.
Distance through hard words.
Necessary but perhaps wrong.
Praying walls down
Wading through heaviness.

Light will come again
for them,
for me.

There are promises.
I must recall.

There is one who sticks closer than a brother.
I need Him, badly.
For them,
for me.

Eating an Antelope

I was looking for words to describe how I felt as an adult learner in the midst of an intense first module of Teaching English as a Second Language when I came upon the image of a squirrel in a forest being thrust an antelope to eat when he is really only used to gnawing on nuts.

That's a bit how I've felt during the last week and a half. As I think about it, they are squeezing the entire first module into two weeks with loads of reading assignments, writing assignments, a take home test and a group project that needs to be presented on the last night which is next Tuesday. I only started this module last week!!

I take comfort in the fact that other women my age taking the course are also feeling overwhelmed even though one of them has a degree of some sort and appears to be highly intelligent. But then looks can be deceiving. Who knows, I may be deceiving people as well. Apparently when they found out I work with dyslexic children they imagined me to be a real live teacher. As in a university degree. I have a certificate signed by Bonnie's husband extolling my virtues as a certified reading instructor. I sometimes wonder what that really means as I feel like a bit of a poser.

I do love the diversity of students in the class however, and the teacher is a delight. Wide age range of students with some having just graduated from high school, some my age and younger and one appearing to be a pensioner. I'm impressed by a married couple who are high school teachers from Korea who spent a great deal of money to come here and take this class without English being their first language. If I'm overwhelmed by the huge amount of material being fed to me in my mother tongue, these ones must feel like they are trying to chow down an elephant!

For the poster presentation which is a huge percentage of our final mark, I'm paired together with a lovely young woman. This entails writing a lesson plan and presenting it with as much ingenuity, creativity and accuracy as possible. My partner has aspirations to be chosen to take our poster presentation to much higher places. I don't share her enthusiasm but I'm glad she's a keener. Just not keen enough to have presented me with any tangible poster parts yet. Actually I take that back. She bought the poster board on which the project is going to hold our creative genius. I sent her a rough draft of the assignment today leaving places for her to add her brilliance.

As the class swirled around me the other day and terminology was being tossed about as if I should be familiar with it I began to wonder if I was brain damaged. I don't know how the others in the class were able to answer the questions the teacher was throwing out to them randomly and I was hugely relieved when she passed me over. I was wondering what on earth a learning strategy was among other things.

I will continue to take my salmon oil and hope for brighter days. Literally and figuratively.

Students to Love

As much as I have been apprehensive about starting work at the school again and getting into that routine, I'm happy to be over the hump. The first one, anyways!

I have met my new students. Five fantastic masterpieces... full of promise and potential. And I am privileged to work with them.

One on one.
Twice a week.
My opportunity to make a difference.

To speak life into one who calls himself an idiot. He comes across with such bravado, but underneath he needs to know he's so valuable and precious. I feel like we broke through and that I made a friend. Ah sweet victory... may Jesus bless those moments we spend together to learn far more than how to decode words.

To encourage the young man who is so out of his element in the school atmosphere, but so brilliant with his hands and machinery. He literally glows when he talks about his home business and he so proudly handed me his card.

To help the little ones held back another year to make sense of the letters and words that keep appearing before them. Those bright eager eyes, those humble hearts, so trusting and so beautiful.

And one I have taught before. Now we get to move into new territory. Bigger words and advancement. The 21 lessons stretch out before him and he is so willing to work. Familiar and comfortable. The journey has begun.

Father I present to you this year of teaching and these precious lives. You, dear Holy Spirit are the counsellor and teacher. I call on you to please be present every single time I meet with my students. That you would teach me and you would teach them. Enable us to discover the high calling that Jesus has on each one of our lives.

Help me never to forget what's most important.
To love these ones you've entrusted into my care for these hours every week.

Thank you for this privilege. Let the fruit be eternal.

Transition

I am incredibly unsettled. This is the first year that I don't have a child heading back to school and not having that structured world around me anymore is harder than I ever thought it would be. I actually didn't think about it much because it was far far away in the ever so distant future for most of my life. Why oh why did I not have several more children all spaced out so that the next fifteen or twenty years would still be figured out for me and I wouldn't have to ask God every day what on earth I should be doing? Ha, caught in the act I am!! Wanting the familiar life back and the easier route. How did that Keith Green song go? "So you wanna go back to Egypt, where it's warm and secure....". Not that raising kids was Egypt. It was warm and secure for sure.

But my future is here. Big long empty days full of not a whole lot. My kids are both out there somewhere making a life for themselves. Thankfully they still come home at the end of the day and I get to bask in their presence and still take part in their lives to some degree. But they are moving on. They are beautiful, healthy, independent adults. Just like it was supposed to turn out.

Thankfully I have my volunteer teaching position coming up at my daughter's old school. At least I hope the position will still be there for me. And I've applied for a "continuing studies" course at the local college. I just phoned to see whatever happened to my application and to find out why I haven't heard anything. It doesn't sound so good right now, but I need to phone back. I told God, of course, that it was in His Hands but I do that assuming His hands are doing what I want them to do. Sigh.

Need to keep trusting. Trusting. Trusting.

And I'm hoping to structure my life more carefully this fall so I don't have quite so many free evenings to lay here by myself. The TESL course was supposed to take care of some of that but now that has become a little uncertain and I am feeling a little panicky. Thinking about having a Bible Study night and maybe a regular girls movie night in my bedroom to help the long dark winter to pass in a more cheerful and rapid manner.

So dear Lord. You know my life. Please help me to let go of the steering wheel and trust you to fill in my days. Use me to be a blessing to those you want me to touch. To not be afraid of the new silence that has settled over my life. To believe that you have a future and a hope for me. To use my many spare minutes to call forth blessing and a future in the lives of those that you call to mind.

Thank you for giving me time to pray and to join with you in the job of intercession. A job that is truly a delight with eternal rewards. And thank you for the sweet puppies that are here with me keeping me company. Rather quiet company.

I have a dinner here to host tonight and so will continue my fall and winter. God will fill my days with good things.

Gathering in Ottawa

It's unfortunate that I don't visit here more often. Significant events occur and it's difficult to capture the magnitude of the occasion adequately in hindsight. But better late than never...

In the midst of this smoky, hot summer I boarded a plane and flew to cooler climes in our nation's capital to attend a gathering of the saints. A gathering to honor God in our country and to witness the alignment of this beloved nation with the purposes of God.

Through reconciliation, first with the Jews and then within our borders.
Honoring the First Nations, walking in humility and blessing those who were here first.
Recognizing the significance of protocol, reaching back to heal the future.
Seeking ever greater levels of unity between the English and the French.
Two flags knotted together, two languages mingling, laughter, acceptance, deference.

Unity in the midst of diversity.
The mosaic shining with ever increasing brilliance.
And the rocks of remembrance, brought from all corners of this great land witnessing the acts of obedience, acts of blessing as many peoples chose to honor others above themselves. A cup hewn from the knot of a tree gifted from the first nations to the members of parliament. A drink shared.
Water poured out.
New beginnings.
A shared future.


The rocks have listened and witnessed a new level of unity, and the favor of God is realized.

"The time is fulfilled
The Kingdom of God is at hand"

Get ready Canada!
Through a faithful remnant.
Through many tears and trials.
Through acts of obedience and honor.
The healing has begun.

For the sake of His Kingdom. For the healing of the nations.

loving summer

oh it's just been so lovely... sleeping in, friends visiting for a month at a time, breakfast on the patio, colorful flowers spilling out of planters, fruit ripening before our very eyes, the lake so blue, roads winding through rich green growth and warmth.


so much warmth
and light!
long, lazy, beautiful summer days.

and the doggies just adding so much fun to every day!
oh the delight of those eager morning greetings,
the moose ready to play catch the moment he steps outside
and his little lady leaping like a calf from her stall.

this day so full of summer goodness.
time at the lake with my boy and my mom,
the doggies and one very sweet friend.

a picnic and laughter
swimming dogs chasing sticks.

great big trees
shading us from the bright yellow sun.

supper on a restaurant patio
with all of my kids (i love how God
adds arrows to my little quiver
so it doesn't feel quite so skinny)
good food
more laughter
the pleasure runs deep.

a thankyou kiss from the boy,
now a man who graces us with his time-
home from camp for such a little while.

the girl so tired from a day of work.
so grown up, so beautiful,
adjusting to adulthood.

my cup runneth over.

June

Ah, the sweet fullness of summer emerges! So much activity this month has contained. Guestrooms full and celebrations beckon. Wedding showers, family gatherings, father's day, birthdays, exams, the joy of the doggies coloring each day, a graduate.

A graduate!!
The day arrived amidst so much preparation.
Gathering family, sitting with friends,
Shouting with joy as names were read
The certificates received and caps tossed high.
Pictures, laughter, hugs, and more pictures!
A sigh of relief.



Swishing gowns, limousines, corsages and suits.
The smiles are huge, the banquet enjoyed.
Beauty and brilliance.
Parties and dancing.
Beautiful, magnificent potential.
The Father smiles.

A journey finished, another begun.

My house so full of God's kindness. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. Surrounded on all sides with His great goodness. Young ladies gracing my home, filling it with laughter and fun. Food abounds, meals on the patio enjoyed as the warm evenings and sunsets on the mountains provide a magnificent dining room.

So my dear daughter was the crowning glory of a most amazing month. I present her to the King, His lovely daughter and pray that in her moments and days and future her life would be a vessel where His kingdom will reside in ever increasing measure. She has chosen the best.

She has chosen Jesus and He will lead her in paths of righteousness for His Name's sake.
Amen.

Naming the Trees

Green leafy branches
sway in the breeze
loving my trees
Reminders of a fun spring day,
a visit to the tree auction.
Bravely waving my number
again and again,
big grin on my face...
Visions of my barren yard
being transformed
into a lush paradise.

From thin wisps these trees have grown
Tall, beautiful and strong.
The years have seen them stretch
taller than the house.
Now from down the road
they welcome me
Heralding home.


Oakley; beautiful, shapely, tall and strong
Silverado in all his shimmering loveliness
The three amigos; my cheerful poplars,
towering masses of quivering leaves
so wonderfully big, shooting for the skies!
Curly willows, artistic beauties
unique, tenacious!
Guardian; his green gorgeousness,
framed by my bedroom window

Sharing the seasons
Colouring my world
Reaching for the sky
Giving shade
Clapping their hands with joy
Bringing glory to their Creator
And joy to His Beloved

I'm so grateful for the green growth
For new hope and a new season.

Mother's Day

I am so gloriously blessed!
So Rich in everything that matters!
Grateful to my Father for His tender mercies and unending love.

Had a wonderful Mother's Day.
Woke up to sunshine and the smell of fresh bread.
Flowers on the counter with cards and notes from my precious kids...even from beautiful Nicole!
I am completely undeserving yet overwhelmed with gratitude.
Cheerful doggies greet me, happy to bound outside to celebrate life.
They have been an immense blessing to our family and create so much laughter and joy!
I recognize the kindness of God in gifting them to us.

Visited Mom's church to surprise and bless her.
Of course the blessing rebounded and we were treated to a spectacular morning of worship and body life.
Child dedications, communion, worship and laughter, stories of love and how love wins...
Given seed packets as gifts - for all the women!! The inclusion was so healing.
A mother's day text from Crystal and a sweet call from another Nicole.
God has enlarged the place of my dwelling and added to my quiver!!

Home to a delicious lunch on the patio prepared by Patrice.
Flower pots attended to with Daniel, geraniums planted and watered.
Walking to Mission Creek with the kids and doggies...the glory of Spring extravagantly arrayed.
Nap time in my sunny bedroom with Daniel reading beside.
Every minute a gift. Treasures poured out in an endless display.

Patrice's help with setting the table. Red cloth, colorful napkins, preparing for celebration.
We sat on the back patio as the family arrived - delighting in the warmth and sunshine.
Roses for all from beautiful Elsie, always a miracle.
All ages - from the yet unborn to the revered grandparents.
Sparking jewels, each shimmering with the beauty of His image.
Just happy to be together. To laugh at the doggies and the antics of the children,
To glory in the moments shared and the beauty surrounding us.

Singing around the table and a feast enjoyed by all.
Simple conversations, the weaving of our lives.
God looks on and smiles.
And we smile back with gratefulness.

April Fun

Spring has been forever in coming and the sunny warm days are few and far between. There are still some nasty winter gusts blowing off the hills which stubbornly hold onto remnants of snow but I checked the weather forecast and it looks like we're in for some lovely days. I usually love April, but it didn't feel very Springy this year. Nonetheless, there have been opportunities to enjoy the great outdoors and I have loved being outside, especially on the Saturday night gatherings.

And surprise, surprise - I found some free dogs which are now happily roaming our backyard! I probably would have preferred just one dog, but these ones came as a package deal and they were Doodles!!! Patrice and I had been hoping to have one of those since we met one downtown several years ago. So I kept my eyes open and checked the classifieds every so often and lo and behold there they were!! I find that "used" dogs are preferable because they come pre-trained and broken in. Ever so handy. And they've brought so much laughter to our little family already. On Saturday I was nervous that they might run off so I had Daniel and Nicole attach each of them to one end of a heavy chain with their leashes. I thought this would keep them close at hand. Suddenly when the large Moose saw a ball flying by he took off like a Stallion and the poor little black dog came hurtling behind him completely out of control and helpless. We laughed so hard, but quickly released the dogs from the useless chain. We had to do some loving on the little lady to calm her down after her frightening ordeal.

We picked the Doodles up and tried them out for a weekend and then I phoned the family to let them know we were keeping them on my birthday. So it's kind of like the Lord gave me these big loving beasties as a 47th birthday gift!! The boy we are calling Moose because he's so gangly with a large head and the little Lady has been dubbed Gracie by Patrice. We'll see how many times the names change, but somehow the names Jazz and Maxi didn't quite suit our tastes

I also had a fun birthday morning in Peachland with Barb, Sue and Anne-Marie Helms to celebrate the occasion of aging. Anne-Marie showed up with a gigantic walking, smiling flower balloon which brought us all a great deal of delight. Until Sue decided to let the walking balloon walk outside and he suddenly took flight. Higher and higher he flew and I despaired of ever bringing my new friend home. Both Sue and I were praying as she ran across the street where he was floating happily towards the lake on a breeze. Truly it was a miracle to watch Sue open her arms and to see the giant smiling flower descend from great heights down into her arms. Unbelievable!!



In the evening I thought I'd treat us to dinner out at Milestones because I had been given a gift card and it seemed fun to go out. We all had delicious meals (mine was steak and shrimp - YUM!!) and then when I went to pay we found that we were at the wrong restaurant!!! haha!!! The gift card was for Moxie's and we had eaten an extravagant meal at Milestones!! Praise God for the provision to pay despite my lapse. I'm so grateful for the wonderful people God has placed in my life for me to celebrate with! Elsie popped by in the evening to wish me a happy birthday and I was happy to show her the beasties and to see her looking so well. We are having a family celebration tomorrow with Mom since the month ends with her birthday.

So very much to be thankful for. An extravagant God has lavished so many good gifts on me again.

Contemplative Retreat

My friend laughed about me attending a "Silent" Retreat. I am one who loves to communicate and verbal is my preference. I didn't know I was signing up for a silent retreat - I just knew it had the word "contemplative" attached to it and I knew that I needed to do some of that kind of praying again!!

All in all it was a good thing that I went. I still feel a little distant and numb and not nearly as "in touch" with God as I'd like to "feel". But I know it's not about feelings. Feelings and spiritual experiences just really help the whole relationship thing but it is perhaps too easy to begin to rely on them. I realized that if I take the time to listen for His voice and ask Him direct questions, He's pretty good about saying the kindest things in response. Quite surprising really, considering my fallen condition. But He is my righteousness and therein lies the hope of it all.

After we got talking again, Him and I, it crossed my mind that I had never asked Him about the accident. As in "where were my angels"? People have often mentioned that it is a miracle that Daniel was spared and that his angels were looking out for him, but they stop short of asking what my angels were doing. So, somehow I braved the question and quite quickly a picture popped into my mind of angelic beings bowing low to the ground in submission to God's will around me rather than rising up to protect me from the impending disaster. It made so much sense to me and reaffirms in my mind that God had a greater purpose in allowing this life changing event to transpire in my 24th year.

Another helpful exercise this weekend was taking our burdens to the Lord in a really tangible way. Tangible as in being able to picture the burden we carry as an object and then asking God what He would like to do with it. The enemy torments us with our burdens and shortcomings, but the Lord is eager to help us with them.

So in picturing some of the more pressing burdens that I carry about with me on a regular basis I was able to see where I carried them on my body and then ask the Lord to remove them. One was a large chain I carried around my neck and He simply bent down, lifted it off me and placed it around His own neck. Another burden feels like I am sliding around on slippery ground and He lifts me up and places my feet back onto the Rock which is solid and secure. So I need to practice this exercise when I feel overwhelmed and am carrying about things that would be much better off carried by Him.

I also loved the community aspect of the retreat.

Eating together (even if it was in forced silence!!) and sharing stories of our journeys or the words that the Lord had spoken to us from the particular passage we were reading. I was reminded of the importance of the method of contemplative prayer/ bible study called Lectio Divina. Slow reading with time to ponder and let God speak. I have done it since coming home with this passage:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go,
I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8

Oh what sweet words to meditate on.
"HE WILL". I don't have to figure out how "I will"...

Embracing the Pain

Yes, winter is passing. And Spring is coming.
Somehow that doesn't create the great excitement that it might have at some point.
However, I am longing for a thaw on every level and today the above zero temperatures and melting snow were a truly welcome sight.

My emotions have been unpredictable and I am learning to cope with this new season of life.

The season where the kids are growing up and away and I wonder just what happens next.
I have lost my passion for life for the most part and I feel like I am grieving the changing of life seasons.
Watching my parents aging and wishing I could set them both back 10 years so they could be more comfortable and active.

And then I wouldn't feel so responsible and sad.

Yet the Lord gave me a picture the other night - I don't know if it was in a dream or not.
I think we were just talking, as we have lots of time to do that when I am awoken by muscle spasms and then lay awake for extended periods thinking and overthinking and praying.

Anyways - in the picture he stood with his arms extended to me. Out of his chest, (I think it was his heart), there extended a long thorn. It was an invitation to embrace Him and it wasn't an awful thing. I believe I entered the embrace, by choice.


At church there has been talk about "embracing the pain" and I don't always know what that looks like, but this was such a good explanatory picture for me. Pain is not an easy thing to embrace, we naturally want to avoid it. But somehow, embracing Christ, even though it meant piercing my own heart with the thorn that came from him seemed right. And what better place to
embrace pain than inside of Christ.

So, as much as I am able, I will enter the embrace.
I will try not so much to just simply endure or moan, but enter into something with Him.

My painful afflicted eyes, my increasingly crazy muscle spasms, my paralysis, my unknown future.
I lean into Jesus, lean into suffering and draw my life from Him.
Trusting for joy and passion to come again.
And until they do, I will simply trust.

"Though the fig tree does not blossom and there are no grapes on the vines...
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord." Habakkuk 3:17

Spring is surely coming.

Saturday Gatherings

A big pot of chili,
Fresh baked bread
Iced tea & salad...
Friends arriving, familiar faces. cheerful greetings.
The blessing spoken, plates are filled and spots are found.

Ah the sweet comfort found in these scheduled gatherings!

I am blessed beyond measure to have friends like these.
All ages gather and community is built, friendship enjoyed.
"like oil poured out"... this unity brings pleasure to Him as well

Precious, precious lives, each one unique, oh so valuable.
The desperate desire to be accepted, loved and valued is nurtured in this ritual.

Listening to stories, laughing together, sharing pain.
God has created a place here and we love to celebrate the ordinary.
Simple, profound and life giving are these shared meals and evenings.

The load is lighter when we gather to eat and play.
Community.
We come away filled and refreshed and so thankful.


Thank you, kind Father.
Such extravagant blessings you heap upon us!

Hopefully Hopeless

The sun is shining today!!! (Thunderous applause, hooting, hollering, and general merry making ensues...)

That may not seem like the biggest deal for many, but we have just gone through the longest, darkest, coldest, cloudiest bout of winter weather. At the moment there are lovely splashes of sunshine and light reflecting off my mirrors and onto my walls. My beloved bedroom is glowing with the warmth of afternoon sunlight and I can see blue sky and white clouds outside my window. It is helpful that I could turn the heat up and warm up my little wheat bags to enhance the illusion of warmth on this sunny January day. Outside the temperatures are hovering somewhere around minus 10, but I will not complain!! The sun is shining and I will rejoice in this day that the Lord has made!

I bundled myself off to church this morning and was engaged in glorious worship and surrounded by the loveliest people. All of us on this strange sojourn, trying to make sense of our lives and our various pains and disappointments and bravely trying to keep believing that this will all be worth it one day...

The message came straight from the throne of God and poured over us like fresh water on desperately thirsty ground. Allastair Petrie spoke of the great power that is unleashed when God's people admit their helplessness and hopelessness and finally lift up their eyes declaring that we can't but GOD CAN!!!! He actually had us bow our heads while those of us who felt hopeless in different areas of our lives raised our hands. (Getting rid of the whole religious bondage that would even keep us from admitting that!!) 90% of us admitted to hopelessness and it felt so good to do it!

I have felt so weary and have found it difficult to even know how to pray. There is such need and such apathy. The church slumbers on and I don't even know how to rouse myself. So the message from Isaiah 57 was about obtaining, humility, holiness, hunger for God that trumps over every other hunger we have and admitting hopelessness. All this so that we can allow God to reign in and through us, bringing transformation.

I can't even begin to do the message justice here, but I can surely say that God had a good reason to tell us not to "forsake gathering together". There is the manifest presence of God that is released when saints gather in humility to worship their Creator and to be reminded of His promises through the spoken Word.

I'm so glad that I could admit to hopelessness. What a tremendous relief not to have to try to fix my broken self nor my broken world. I can't, but God can. And God will. As His people, humble themselves, turn from their wicked ways and pray.

Apparently there are amazing miracles of transformation taking place in areas all around the world. Where children stand and pray for their countries for hours every day, where prisoners accept the Lord en masse, where societies are turned around by a sovereign move of God on behalf of the prayers of His people.

So I will continue to lift up these hands and pray.

THY KINGDOM COME,
THY WILL BE DONE, HERE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN...

Yes Lord, You can and You will!!

A Brand New Year

It's a brand new year! And, unlike other years, I let this one slip in without my usual seeking God for a verse and asking Him for all kinds of good things. Somehow I think and hope that He will be faithful to me even when I haven't been so faithful to seek Him... I think I've read a verse about His faithfulness which is immensely comforting. And, who knows...I'm thinking that all of a sudden I will feel a fresh wind and will be inspired to get that 2009 verse or chapter and know just what God wants me to ask for these next 12 pages of my new calendar!

I'm so grateful for the gentle going out of the last year and the uneventful entrance of the next. The holidays were just wonderful. Even though I work so little (four part mornings a week) it still gives me structure and routine which is so healthy for me right now. And that way I actually look forward to breaks - like two weeks worth of being able to lounge in bed in the mornings and lazily start my day!

I'm grateful for many wonderful family gatherings which were enjoyed over the holidays and...

* for evenings spent with friends, laughing, eating and sharing stories

* a cozy home filled with lights and the Spirit of God

* Daniel came home from Peru!!!! and had Christmas with all of us

* I have a beautiful daughter who still lives at home and hangs out with me

* my mom and dad and Tante Hilda who are that solid generation that holds us together

* God's tangible presence landing on me Christmas Day while driving through beautiful snow covered hills and listening to Handel's Messiah




* our family - little and big, young and old filling up a whole pew at church Christmas Eve for the candle light service

* singing German Christmas carols at mom's on Christmas Eve with four generations

* delicious pea soup and fresh bread at my neice's home with the family - followed by fireside carols




* a delightful New Year's Eve here - the annual BINGO extravaganza, good food, games, and sparklers in the snow

* my wonderful brother arrived cheerfully and went from house to house bringing help and joy

* my delightful sister who was shopping for salad fixings on Christmas Day is alive and well hallelujah!!

* God's amazing grace that keeps us all together and loving each other and Him!

So, through the piles of snow that kept falling out of the sky and changing the landscape into a winter wonderland, we celebrated and enjoyed the great blessings of God. I never want to stop thanking Him!!

MAY HIS KINGDOM COME
MAY HIS WILL BE DONE,
HERE ON EARTH, IN MY HEART, IN MY HOME, IN MY FAMILY, IN MY CHURCH, IN MY CITY, IN MY NATION
AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.

AMEN.