Awake

I'm awake in the night with too many thoughts.

With the thoughts comes sadness and in trying to push it away I read all sorts of stuff.  Trying to stay away from too much news because that makes my brain hurt even more. I've got enough of my own, personal "news" happening.

I'm partly grieving, and partly in denial and shock.
It's thinking about my hands, of course, causing these feelings.

And it's family stuff too.  It all feels too big and too complicated so I need to scale down my thought perimeters.  Scaling down to think about what is true, noble, right, pure and lovely... for starters.

Somehow it always works out in the end though,
so I may as well start relaxing now!

And the big thoughts about my future with my new barely working hands will have to be muddled through in these next weeks.

It's a little odd to me that not only do my feet and legs not work
but this thing with my hands?
It has completely blindsided me.
I really didn't see it coming.

The simplest activities now cause me pain.
Like turning the page in a book.
Or opening a container.
Putting on my pants.
Let alone moving through the house just to do my "activities of daily living".
Because my thumbs are involved in almost everything I do.

Sometimes the pain feels like a hot knife, sometimes there is aching and sometimes it is sharp and sudden and makes me cry out.
It's both thumbs, but the right one is considerably worse.  Cause I'm right handed.

So, I'm thinking about electric wheelchairs and vans and who needs to live here to help me because the lovely girls that live with me now are not of the "care giving" variety and they are young and they have lives.

Patrice as my daughter is always in my picture and she is the easiest one for me to lean into, but sometimes (often recently) she feels fragile in her own complicated life, so I can't really depend on her.  Plus she needs to know that she is free to go off and make her own life so I must figure this life of mine out.

Anyways, that's what's happening in my head tonight.
God is still looking after me of course.  And He is truly GOOD, all of the time!
Right now I'm just thinking about the parts of life that I need to "do" after the praying part.

HOWEVER,

I still live in a gorgeous place, in a super amazing home surrounded by wonderful people and I know I'm saved and going to heaven at the end of the story so that's the ongoing really good part.