I was able to forget some of the issues that were plaguing me prior to the cruise - at least to some extent. It was a beautiful thing to experience the distraction and escape provided and to enter into that whole other surreal world.
Because my own personal world is feeling like that plunge into a dark and scary place. I know the melodrama is almost too much, but it is seriously a new and terrifying experience to have both my son and my daughter leaving at the end of summer and to be having regular visits already from this horrible entity which I have named "ALONE". It is an entity which has been growing and threatening to take over my whole life.
Hahaha... Okay - I'll admit that last statement is pure melodrama and a lie from you know where.
But it is a lie that has felt unbelievably real. Because it's not just my own little personal alone story. There are other factors playing into it such as the age of my precious parents and the stable rock of existence they provide that is always within immediate reach. This feels threatened as well. I realize the fragility of life and how quickly it is passing. And there is the possible relocating of more family away from town that have made family gatherings a delight and have added a hugely missing element - namely children and the joy that accompanies them. And my dear sweet sister having her own personal ongoing battle with the same entity.
And this entity reminds me of how very hard and lonely paralysis can be. I don't notice so much when I'm kept busy and have loved ones surrounding me.
So, three nights in a row after arriving home were pure torture. I was awake for long periods of time with far too much time to ponder the rather bleak future that is gazing straight in my face with a hard unblinking stare. The hours spent looking in every direction for hope and seeing how my life has become a barren place.
Looking for hope and finally crying out once again as the morning light began to appear for God to show up with skin on. Touch me or the heaviness and tangible sadness with press me into the earth.
And of course He has been showing up - with skin on again.
And with words and pictures - I am a little lamb carried, amazingly enough, on His shoulders even though it feels like I've been left on a precipice.
Covered with prayers and hugs and words of restoration, restoration, restoration at a place where I have been afraid to go because it too has become a threatening world when it was once a place of hope. And it is obviously still a safe place in that way that only God is safe.
Safe and terrifying all at once.
And I will end this peculiarly sad little missive with wonderful Words given by that kind Shepherd who said I'm on His shoulders. I figured I needed some pure Word and He told me to read Psalm 121.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Oh my goodness. I wept again after reading these words, but the tears were different than the ones I had awoken with. Oh ya, He's going to look after me for sure. As much as that creepy lier has been throwing out the nets to capture me with fear, anxiety and despair, there is a LOVER who has stolen my heart who will never let me go. He will never leave me alone. He will be my fortress, my shield and my very great reward.
So, even though He is allowing me to plunge into dark places, He's there with me and He will bring me out again. Of course He spoke to me through my mom last night too. Reminding me of these things in no uncertain terms.
This too will work out for great good. He has plans for me. Not just for more and more hardship.
But for RESTORATION.
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