Fun in the SUN

Summer is most definitely here - hot, sunny days....YEEHAW!! I love the warmth, I love how the earth responds, with colors and sounds and growth galore. I've been planting flowers!!! So glad that the desire to do so even came back to me. I had felt so much winter in my bones & in my soul that I didn't know when I'd finally get the urge to shop for pretty flowers and dig around in the earth planting again.

...But it's here!! The joy of digging holes, soaking them with water and popping the sweet little plants in - eager for the explosion of growth that is sure to come. (That is, if Jewel will leave the flowers where they are!! I've already had to replant several of my petunias due to Jewel's desire to sleep in my flower bed. Sheesh.) I must say I am glad she is well enough to be digging and isn't laying around looking half dead anymore. Now that I know she has arthritis I have arranged her little bottles of supplements and I am administering them to her with her breakfast. Glucosamine, Cod Liver Oil and enteric coated Aspirin. I NEVER thought I'd be doing this with an animal, but it sure beats watching her in agony.

I have my little vegetable garden arranged - oh so cute. It's going to turn into a jungle most likely because I squished so many plants into such a small area but that's okay. It's just so much fun. My little cucumber plant has a trellis to climb on, my strawberries are waiting to ripen, raspberries have blossomed and are doing something... two tomato plants, chives, and basil are happily basking in the warmth and I am keeping them moist. (Dragging that heavy hose around again and hurting my elbow in the process but I just can't seem to help myself!!)

Tonight Becci came over with her two little people and we had great fun. Niko running through the sprinkler in his sweet nakedness, Alexia riding on the mower on Patrice's lap, Jewel and Mr. Tumness happy to have our company outside. The heat was intense today and the sun sets as I sit here typing. A pretty pinky purple glow has settled on the mountains and the earth breaths a sigh of relief to have some hours of reprieve from the heat.

I'm grateful to be enjoying the season. Grateful not to feel the heaviness and to have joy - even in the midst of unsettledness and transition and pain. Hope is stirring. Thank you Jesus for the most profound and simple pleasures that you provide. I always want to have eyes to see them and a heart that is pouring forth gratefulness. You are indeed very, very good and kind.

Hour of Power

Heard about the World Day of Prayer and decided to join with the 24/7 prayer being held in the 10 days leading up to it. Found the church, followed the signs and ended sitting in front of a few stairs. Sigh. I decided to stay and pray in another room which the receptionist graciously opened for me. As soon as I entered the room and postured myself for prayer the Spirit of the Living God fell on me and the tears began to flow.

Intercession - standing in the gap...

Connecting people and situations who need Jesus to the Source. What an incredible responsibility and privilege we have been given. I'm just grateful that it's not all up to us - that Jesus is our ultimate Intercessor and we just partner in with Him.

I had noticed a group meeting in the room next to me - and as I was praying I began to hear them lifting their voices to the Creator. The sounds and words were so beautiful to me. Lifting up petitions with loud cries and passion. Oh the beauty of humble men and women crying out on behalf of others. I began to join in agreement with their prayers, voicing my amens. Suddenly someone would break out into a song - an old chorus and the others would join in. I could tell it was an older crowd and I was basking in the beauty and safety of the generation before me paving the way.

As I left the church I asked the receptionist about the group I was hearing and she said it was the Seniors, gathering for their "Hour of Power". WOW!! I just love that. Very aptly named. A few white heads gathered in a room, shaking miracles out of heaven with their cries.

Unfortunately I did not go back. Stairs do that to me. And right now it seems I don't have the energy to deal with it. I am in such an apathetic state, wanting to run with God in the high places, but finding myself in a very dry and dusty low place. Can't figure out if it's chastising or pruning, but I believe it's the latter. I'm just so frustrated that I can't seem to rouse myself to movement. I want to have a mission, to have vision again, to be busier!! Isn't that nuts? Usually people long for seasons like this - seasons of rest and quiet, but it's been too restful and too quiet for too long!! I feel like I'm in LIMBO LAND! And I don't like it here! (Okay, I'm starting to grumble now, but I'm glad to read in the Psalms that David did his fair share of complaining to God as well.)

I am, however, very aware of the fact that Jesus is well aware of my station in life at this time. And He reminds me to rest and to wait on Him. In the meanwhile I know I need to simply do the good that is before me. Small acts of obedience ..."to obey is better than sacrifice".

So I plod on. Jesus please open my eyes to the ways that I can do what's on Your heart for me today. To love those that you put before me and to seek you above all else.

Serenade of the Seas

I returned home from a glorious week on the ocean...it was such a sweet time of respite and refreshment. A total gift from God, undeserved but so appreciated & very timely!! We were celebrating mom's 80th birthday - us three kids, and some dear friends from way back. We sailed on an absolutely gigantic vessel all the way up the coast to the Hubbard Glacier, stopping at a few little towns on the way. What stunning beauty; powerful waves, huge ocean, big sky, magnificent clouds, layers of misty mountains - some capped with snow, islands, seals, whales...God's amazing artwork. Oh He takes my breath away...foretastes of heaven were enjoyed. He serenaded me on the seas...

The ship was almost too big for me - I don't think I even visited every floor, but boy did I love those elevators!! They were glass and I could go zooming up 10 floors as I stared out over the crashing waves along side the ship. It was like a Disneyland trip for me!! Sometimes I just spent extra time on the elevators cause it was such a fantastic ride! What a blast. (Hey, when you can't use the pool, hot tubs, climbing wall, etc. you learn to amuse yourself in other ways!)

The food was beyond description. I'll just suffice it to say that I ate alot, enjoyed it immensely and found my pants very hard to do up by the end of the trip. Again - mostly we were seated at tables overlooking the ocean so we could eat delectable gourmet fare as we watched the beautiful landscape slip by. I'm deciding that I really, really like cruising. (smile - who wouldn't?) My bed and my bathroom travel right along with me so I don't have to worry about those essentials which can prove very difficult when I travel by other means.

One of my favorite things about travelling on the ocean is that most pleasurable sensation of getting rocked to sleep as I lay in my bed, feeling that huge vessel sway with the power of the waves. My room mate did not enjoy it in the least and she was exceedingly grateful for the gravol tablets I had brought along. She was a great deal of fun though, even in the midst of her misery and drugged state. We laughed ourselves silly over the strangest things, had wonderful visits as we lay on our beds and delightful times of prayer as we spent time in intercession and worship. Her gentleness, humility and kindness were a balm to my soul. She has been through much suffering but wow, the refining has made her most beautiful. Oh the kindness of my Father, again expressed in the flesh.

My sister underwent some kind of a Lazarus transformation!! That was a huge miracle to see her come to life. She probably needed that break more than any of us. She who has struggled the most emotionally and who has endured so much pain and brokenness ministered to me in the most profound ways. On Mother's Day, after hugging my mom whom we think is THE QUEEN of MOTHERS, she came over to me, letting me know that she thought her life would have been so different if I had been her mother. Now, I don't take that statement and get proud over it by any means...cause I know God put my sister into my mother's arms for a very good reason. A more patient and Godly woman is hard to find. However, just the validation of that statement meant so much to me. Because I know that I have dropped the ball in more ways than I ever care to think about as a mom. I, however, had the option of pulling my daughter from the conventional school system when she was going through a tough time to home school her. Back when we were growing up there weren't a whole lot of options, or a whole lot of knowledge regarding depression in kids.

I spent part of one very early morning sprawled on my bedroom floor after I unsuccessfully transferred myself onto the wrong part of my wheelchair. I slowly slid to the floor knowing this was not a good thing because I'm not able to get myself back into my chair. However, I decided to try to enjoy the view from below since I so rarely get down to that level. Gotta take advantage of every opportunity life hands you! Unfortunately - even with calling the front desk, ringing our emergency bell and waiting for half an hour, this maiden in distress was not rescued. We finally called my brother's room, waking him up so that he could be my knight in shining armour. He couldn't figure out why I didn't call him right away. Go figure. Why would I want to wake my brother up at 5:45 when there is enough staff on board to sink that big ship!!
Ah well, thankfully nothing broken - at least that I know of and I just started my day a little earlier than usual.

All in all a good time was had by all - it was rich and sweet and relaxing and ever so fun. What a blessing to have a family like mine. And to have friends that joined us at a moment's notice to renew old ties and reconnect.

Sheesh I'm spoiled, but that's cause I'm a daughter of the King. I just want to enjoy every good gift He lavishes on me. Now I'm home in my own land of beauty - lush with greenery, friends, home and my kids. It was sheer sweetness, being woken up the night I got home by my kids who were returning from a conference. Someone to come home to. I don't ever want to stop being grateful to God for the thousands upon thousands of good things He keeps pouring into my life - even in the midst of pain and brokenness. The best is definitely yet to come, but I want to try to enjoy the journey more!! Thanks Jesus,

I remain, Always in YOU.

"The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love.
He will rejoice over you with singing"

Zephaniah 3:17

Yes indeedy, I was surrounded by God, saved by Him, delighted in by Him, quieted and restored, and sung over by Him.

Bon Voyage

"LOVE IS SPONTANEOUS, BUT IT HAS TO BE MAINTAINED THROUGH DISCIPLINE"
Oswald Chambers

Great Quote - completely unrelated to my post.

A busy day - full of sunshine and beauty...and energy ! Yeah - this is one day I really needed it. The earth continues to celebrate the joys of this warm season. The apple trees are in full bloom, already starting to lose some of their petals. I planted my geraniums, allysum, lobelia and one lone tomatoe plant yesterday. What fun to think of the bursts of color that will soon be spilling out of my planters. (I'm saying this in faith that Patrice will water them while I'm away!) Thankfully my sprinklers have been fixed so I don't have to drag the hose and sprinkler around the grass anymore! I was doing a rather pathetic job, considering there is about an acre or two of grass. I'm so glad that I got my little plants into the earth yesterday so that they can be well rooted in and growing by the time I come home.

Today I've been trying to pack for the cruise we're going on tomorrow and my bed is full of piles of clothing. How to decide? I'm not a fashion expert by any means...I love to be comfortable, but I do believe that some "fanciness" is required at the dinners. I hope I'll be able to put it all together before I go to bed tonight. There is always the question of what season of clothing to bring along when one is travelling to Alaska in May. A little bit of everything I guess!

So the adventure begins. Ahh, anticipation. What a gift to be able to celebrate mom's 80th birthday with family and some dear friends. God obviously arranged this whole extravaganza, because everyone was ready with a big YES when the call went out and tomorrow we all converge on the Ballentyne Pier in Vancouver to board the "Serenade of the Seas". So I'm committing this time to our precious Lord - inviting His presence to go with us, inviting His joy to infect all of us and heal us of the hard winter of the soul some of us have endured. What a gift to feel anticipation and some excitement. It's taken awhile for it to come around. May the lethargy I've been carrying be lost at sea and may the wind of the Spirit breathe fresh life into all of us.

He is able to do abundantly MORE than all we are even able to ask or imagine!! Ephesians 4:21? or somewhere around there.

So here's little battle maiden signing off with a
"BON VOYAGE!!!"

RoLLer CoasTer DaY

It's been some kind of a schizophrenic day...or maybe bipolar would be a better description. Such highs, such lows, I wish I had a physical reason to explain my mind's behavior. (then again, maybe not - labels aren't that great come to think of it. Unless it's one that God's printed on my forehead!) I awoke after an unrestful night - spasms, headache, wakefulness...thankfully I needed to get Patrice to school so it got me out of bed and out into the beautiful sunshiney day. Spent an hour in the car with a dear friend, drinking ice caps and she listened to me vent and we laughed together. She's a keeper for sure. I know she's there for me and will set aside whatever she's doing if I call for helpl. That's God in the flesh, again. She knows what brokenness is and knows how to listen. She's been through the mill a few times herself.

*************(the roller coaster isn't allowing me to smoothly transition to my next paragraph)************

I'm feeling ground down tonight - dust am I. God's known it all along. It's taking me a little longer to catch on to the whole concept of me being in alot of trouble if I try to achieve and maintain my "persona". Didn't know I was quite so proud - but new areas of my "soulishness" are being exposed and I'm just hating the process. And God's not just stopping with the exposing - obviously He remembers that I've given Him permission to increase while I decrease..

Pruning, Pruning, years of Pruning. Branches dropping to the ground, large ones crashing down and the sap runs from the fresh wounds. I'm starting to feel pretty naked. Not enough leafy branches left to cover the trunk or to provide much shade. I feel it in my parenting (or lack of), I feel it in my feeble attempts at teaching Sunday School, I feel it in the little I am able to give out, in my empty schedule and lack of vision and energy. It used to be such fun and so easy to be the one who gave. To be the one to lead prayer groups and pour forth encouragement, gifts and blessings on others. And feeling incredibly pleased with myself in the process. Jeepers. What an ugly business it is to see the nakedness and to feel so exposed and vulnerable.

Yet this is obviously where GOD wants me. And He's very loving when I ask Him about it, but I know that He disciplines those He loves. The gentle, wise hand of the pruner knows where to cut so that in another season there will be more fruit. Better fruit. Heavy sigh. It may be springtime in the natural, but I'm sure not there in the spiritual.

Yesterday at a meeting that I wish I hadn't attended I gushed out a bunch of my insecurities and alot of negativity. oooh I hate it when I do that in a group. My only solace is that it was a small group. I'd rather sit naked in front of a few than many. They were gracious and spoke words to encourage.

Tonight was a real doozer though. Talking to my daughter (hi patrice) about my upcoming cruise, I was saying how I'd like to leave my body behind, cause I can't take a holiday from pain. She wondered why so many conversations had to circle around to the pain issue. Oh man, did I feel crappy about that. Big reality check there for me. How dare I put that on my daughter. And obviously I'm doing it ALOT. So humbling to know that I am such a whiner. I sure can't do this life thing without Jesus. I keep screwing up, way too often for my liking. It used to be that I was known for my joy and lack of complaining, but I just needed the temperature turned up a few more notches to see that I am not as noble as I once imagined myself to be.

The bright spot in my day?! I finally took Jewel to the vet and found out she probably has arthritis and is not dying as I had begun to believe. I've put off going to the vet cause I couldn't stand the thought of spending more money on her. (I could probably feed a child in a third world country for a whole year with what I spent on her surgery alone...) But I also could not stand to see her limping around, crying and mostly just laying cause it hurt her so much to stand up. After the vet diagnosed her, he gave her an injection and one weeks worth of medication to see if it would help. (More $) The injection helped. Wow - did it ever help! This was quite evident when, at the end of the day, she came running exuberantly over to the car as I drove up the driveway. She ran eagerly into the field, hoping we would do our orchard run and then greeted me as I got out of the car, nuzzling up to me and waiting for love. Sometimes miracles are expensive, but so worth it. The soulish part of me would like to buy myself a miracle too! Smile. But I want Jesus more. At least I hope so.

I was feeling a little guilty about the money issue, but wouldn't you know it, I came upon the verse that speaks about how important it is to God that we are good to our animals. (sorry, no concordance, but I believe it's in Proverbs). God knows my heart in all of this and it's so hard to watch an animal suffer. And since she's obviously not dying she may as well live as pain free as possible. I'm just aggravated that the vet won't give me more pain medication without doing a blood test to find out how healthy her liver and kidneys are. The blood test is so expensive!! ARGHHH. It's as bad as the medical system for humans! I'm going to try to figure out if there's away around that blood test.

**********************

On another note entirely, I had a real God encounter yesterday with a dear friend. Our friendship was birthed in a prayer group and has been nurtured through a variety of Jesus experiences. A strong bond unites us, even though we are not often together. We have had amazing adventures in the world of prayer and prophetic and somehow Jesus manifests Himself powerfully when we meet in His Name.

She came to share with me a mountaintop experience she had this past weekend. Something she had labored over and worked towards for many, many months finally came to fruition and it was hugely successful. I rejoiced with her and we worshiped the One who put this dream in her heart and gave her the strength to see it through. At the same time I couldn't hold in my own pain and after listening she poured oil upon me, held my face in her hands and wept with me. Somehow we were able to rejoice and weep and worship and both come away filled. I needed that oasis of refreshment in this season of mourning.

"God, hear my cry;
Pay attention to my prayer.
I call to you from the ends of the earth when my heart is without strength.
Lead me to a rock that is high above me,
For you have been a refuge for me,
A strong tower in the face of the enemy
I will live in your tent forever
and take refuge under the shelter of your wings"
Psalm 61:1-4

Thank you Jesus that you're with me.

Choosing to Declare

"The heavens declare the glory of God;
The skies proclaim the work of His hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge..."

Psalm 19:1,2

Even in this tougher season of my life (physically & spiritually) I can't help but be aware of the stunning beauty that surrounds me. I want to join the heavens in declaring the glory of God...it's not about how I feel or don't feel, it's just the choice of having eyes to see and choosing to worship. If the skies can pour forth speech, surely I can muster the energy to audibly tell God how amazing His creation is! And amazing it is - the colors, the smells, the sounds, the warmth, the LIFE which is virtually bursting from the earth everywhere I look. (Even the "looking" part has been more challenging for me this spring as my eyesight has gotten worse & my eyes are more uncomfortable with whatever this affliction is that I have been suffering from!)

I have a theory that in these harder seasons of our lives, our choice to worship God is very, very powerful. Our choice to speak out His glories - to bow down and kiss the Son, to trust, simply trust when things look dark, are acts of love to Jesus that ravish His heart. So I want to make choices to please Him and to notice His gifts to me - and to give thanks, even though I'm feeling sluggish and heavy hearted.

Tonight I watched a beautiful sunset. I was outside trying to get a picture of the blossoms against the pretty sky and the fragrances were amazing. Lilacs...mmmm, so heavenly! Jewel kept close to me, trying to coach as many neck scratches out of me as she possibly could and the cat was darting here and there in such a playful mood. These evenings are incredible gifts - I'm glad I'm forced outside to water my plants
and trees so I don't miss this lovely season. Sadly I'm usually so eager to go and lay down that I don't spend nearly as much time outside as I should.

Ok, I just lost a bumch of my post here, but I'm too tired to try to rewrite thoughts that have gone elsewhere... I was saying something about my Blessings Journal...where I've been writing a list of 1000 GIFTS...those things that I take for granted that I want to begin to give thanks for. Cultivating a grateful heart and teaching my Sunday School girls to do the same. We sometimes start our class with praise & worship...each of us taking a turn to say "Thank you Jesus for ________" . We try to mention something we've never heard or said in class and it's so fun watching the girls come alive as they think of new things to thank God for. They come up with the neatest things that challenge & delight me - I'm sure God loves it!!

So...I will now thank God for my cozy bed where I can lay my tired body and for my sweet daughter who is in my room watching "I Love Lucy". How inviting is that?!

In Justice..??

Was involved in an arbitration meeting today. Confrontation - something I would rather run away from, but in this case I had no choice but to be involved. Things were written about me that were not true. Words I spoke were twisted or taken out of context. Yet thankfully I was able to respond calmly and not be unkind. Jesus broke through. I could be quite mean (or meaner??) if it were not for His presence. It's felt dim as of late but I know He's still in there. Kind of feel as though I'm turning a deaf ear to Him and I wonder what that's all about.

As I lay here thinking about the arbitration this morning, I realized again that even if we are kind to others and show mercy, we will not necessarily get mercy back. Maybe what I think is showing mercy isn't mercy to the one receiving it. Justice here on earth seems to be an elusive thing. And we are reminded in no uncertain terms that "vengeance is mine declares the Lord". Truly that is a good thing. If I received the mercy I deserved I would burn in hell forever, no doubt about that. I'm grateful for the absolutely amazing and undeserved mercy I receive on a daily basis cause I keep screwing up in one way or another. And how many times have I said to my kids that life isn't fair...

But I'm wondering if I am feeling a little put out by the apparent lack of interest and involvement that I'd like to see from God in certain situations. In a lot of situations actually. I can see why some of those Old Testament guys ranted against God asking Him what was up anyways in their world. I kind of feel like ranting tonight too. What is up and why does it take so long for breakthroughs. Sometimes they just don't seem to come during our sojourn here on earth...

"OH Lord, how long shall I cry and you will not hear?
Even cry out to you "Violence!" and you will not save.
Why do you show me iniquity and cause me to see trouble?"
Habakkuk 1:2,3a

Where is justice?

I've been touched by injustice in several areas of my life. Who hasn't? The injustice of someone breaking the law by drinking and driving, leaving me almost dead and quite paralyzed on the side of the road. The injustice of broken covenant. Of a botched surgery when I trusted the surgeon. On and on. And yet, the injustices I endure are trivial next to those suffered by millions in other nations - even by many of those in our fair land where everything looks so pristine on the exterior. Behind closed doors many suffer many forms of injustice. I watched a powerful and beautifully done movie this week on the INJUSTICE suffered by thousands and thousands during the Rwanda crisis. It was called "Sometimes in April" and it was a good way for me to learn about what I have not understood (it's still somewhat hazy, but whoa...talk about injustice!). Some things are beyond understanding. The evil we are capable of is frightening.

Injustice.

It's the result of sin. A result of our "choice". And one day, it will all be made right. But meanwhile we need to trust and obey and worship... Even when we don't feel like it and we are served a side or two of injustice along with our huge helping of blessings. I want to be one of those people who doesn't concentrate on the injustices, but concentrates on, and points out the good wherever it may be found. That I won't miss out on seeing the multitude of blessings on my "plate of life" because I'm so focused on the side dish of injustice I've been served. That I will be one who fights for righteousness and justice for others. That I'll forgive those through whom injustice flows into my life.

So I'll go back to that verse I love so much from the book of Habakkuk. After all His ranting to God about what didn't make sense to him Habakkuk came up with a very good plan. One that I want to continually strive to incorporate into my life.

Interestingly, the title at the top of this passage calls it "A HYMN OF FAITH" - I really like that!

"THOUGH THE FIG TREE MAY NOT BLOSSOM,
NOR FRUIT BE ON THE VINES;
THOUGH THE LABOUR OF THE OLIVE MAY FAIL,
AND THE FIELDS YIELD NO FOOD;
YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD
I WILL JOY IN THE GOD OF MY SALVATION.

THE LORD GOD IS MY STRENGTH;
HE WILL MAKE MY FEET LIKE DEER'S FEET.
AND HE WILL MAKE ME WALK ON MY HIGH HILLS"

HABAKKUK - last few verses, NKJV

Man - this Habakkuk fellow really knew how to turn the tables on the enemy. He starts out ranting and questioning and ends up walking on high hills with deer's feet and God's strength! I shall follow suit! Hah!