February Tease

This month has been full of sunny bright days that melt the snow and tease me into thinking the winter cold is finally over followed by dark mornings where I awake to a world which has once again been covered with a thick blanket of white.

I keep getting so surprised.

Repeatedly.

I am very finished with winter but it doesn't seem to be quite finished with me.

So I try to enjoy the beauty and look forward to Spring.

And I am scheming of how I can spend a month in a warm place next winter...?

This month has also been full of incredible excitement, stress and guilt.

Which means that I booked an extravagant cruise for the kids and I.

To celebrate me turning 50, the daughter turning 21 and the son and his wife's first year of married bliss.

We are going to the MEDITERRANEAN!!

So I have been on a seesaw of emotions trying to book flights while they are going up by $200 each right before my eyes, trying to figure out accessibility issues in ROME, and feeling terribly guilty all the while that I am not using this money to put wells for clean water into two villages in India.

I am aware that I have some issues to deal with, as is evidenced by my sleepless nights, a crying spell and fear.

Fear is such a monster. And so is guilt for that matter.

I hope that I am over the worst of it now that everything is booked and there is no turning back. Trusting that God really does give good gifts to His beloved, that He will make me lie down in green pastures and lead me beside quiet waters as I sit on the balcony of that ship...

When I do take the time to listen, I am comforted and do sense His kindness.

I am thoroughly enjoying my new church fellowship.

It's nice and small and familiar and real.

Just a humble group of believers walking together and trying to figure out how to love Jesus and each other. The worship is incredible as the place is filled with all sorts of unbelievably talented musicians and artists. The people are just so lovely.

This past Sunday was hosted at Bottega just up in the neighborhood here and I enjoyed a Celtic Mass as I stared out at the tall pines and blue sky and watched the llamas romp in the snow.

It was so lovely. The words so lifegiving and the process so gentle.

There is something about the liturgical method of prayer and worship that is very soothing.

And I've had lovely lunches with friends this month.

A birthday lunch with a dear friend and our daughters who have remained friends since birth.

A fun lunch with my new friend Betty who invited me to book club this past fall.

She is a kindred spirit and it is such a treat to find someone who understands me and whom I understand so well. I'm excited for new beginnings with her and the richness that she adds to my life.

God just keeps adding good gifts. Blessed be the Lord who daily LOADS me with benefits.

Recently I've been memorizing the Beatitudes and I am looking forward to these words growing deeper with meaning and power inside of me.

I have loved committing more verses to memory this winter as a result of studying the Gary Smalley book called Change your Heart Change your Life or something like that.

OH the POWER and value and beauty of the Word of God.

It is a place to enter. It is a place to dwell. It is protection.

Memorizing has given me new ammunition in these days of inner turmoil.

Oh, the turmoil this month also had to do with the former husband and his family traveling to Kona along with his girlfriend.

Just learning to trust God with new and old places in my heart that I sometimes forget exist until they are shocked back into awareness.

God is able to absorb pain and heal and to provide fresh new mercies every single day.