Darker Evenings

There's something very cozy about dark evenings in autumn.
Once I adjust to the fact that the daylight hours are diminishing, that is.
At first I complain bitterly about the encroaching darkness, then I grudgingly hunker down for the long evenings.
Missing the light and bright outdoors.

But slowly I'm warming to the idea of a winter with my two kids at home.
It may be our last season like this - just the three of us sharing evening meals and taking life at a slower pace.
Moving about so peacefully, sharing little tidbits of each other's lives...
Music, stories, movies, food, silence.
The beautiful daughter at the computer, discovering tunes and other worlds,
Trying to figure out what to do with her future...
The son, organizing papers, playing guitar or disappearing into his room for long visits on the phone.
There is a budding romance in the works.
And I, usually reclining on my bed reading, doing homework or viewing the world on my laptop.
The dogs keeping vigil and company.
Two furry friends dropped out of heaven to brighten these long dark evenings.

As my world will likely change soon, I'm tempted to give in to sadness.
I can feel the plates moving beneath me and I must fight off the demons of fear.

He will go with me into my new beginnings. He tells me not to worry about tomorrow.
Because each day has enough trouble of it's own. Why borrow from the future?
So for now I will enjoy the richness of this season.
Before the landscape changes I will try to be fully present.
Present to discover and enjoy Him and those He has given me to love.
As He is fully present.
Right here, right now.

So I ask for grace to enjoy this long dark season.
To be aware of His light and warmth and to bask in it.
For as surely as winter follows fall,
spring will come again.

Thankful

In a season of life
where I'm finding it
far too easy to feel sorry for myself ...

I can choose!
To be thankful!!
And I am
of course.
How could I not be?!

The fall colors alone make my spirit dance
Twirling leaves
Golden puddles spreading beneath the trees
The fresh crisp air
Sunshine warming the changing landscape

Time with the kids
Evenings together
at home
Meals shared
Laughter and warmth.
I'm so grateful

A warm home
Chai Tea on rainy afternoons
Breadmaker!
Car to drive
Friends to have lunch with
Sweet students to teach
Music - so much music!
Phonecalls
Pictures
Provision
A full fridge
Heat bags
right out of the microwave
brought by my daughter
A family
A church
A Father who loves me
Unconditionally.
Libraries
Books to read and listen to
Movies
E-mail messages from afar
Dishwasher
Doggy one and
Doggy two =)
A mother's voice on the phone
Saturday nights
Baby to squeeze
Children laughing and running
A full house
A quiet house
My God fills my life

I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart
I will enter His courts with Praise!

For in His presence is fullness of joy!

Words don't Suffice

So much suffering
Grief observed
Loss incomprehensible
Long days stretch before
these dear ones,
widowed so young.
Oh so alone
The future formidable.

My own loss intermingled
My own loneliness insignificant
in comparison
but overwhelming, crushing.
Raw my heart.
Not widowed, but alone.
Rejected and betrayed.

Watching young love
in the midst of my pain
Somehow joy but also grief.
How can it be?
All in one heart.
All at one time.

Responsibility
I carry alone.
Distance through hard words.
Necessary but perhaps wrong.
Praying walls down
Wading through heaviness.

Light will come again
for them,
for me.

There are promises.
I must recall.

There is one who sticks closer than a brother.
I need Him, badly.
For them,
for me.

Eating an Antelope

I was looking for words to describe how I felt as an adult learner in the midst of an intense first module of Teaching English as a Second Language when I came upon the image of a squirrel in a forest being thrust an antelope to eat when he is really only used to gnawing on nuts.

That's a bit how I've felt during the last week and a half. As I think about it, they are squeezing the entire first module into two weeks with loads of reading assignments, writing assignments, a take home test and a group project that needs to be presented on the last night which is next Tuesday. I only started this module last week!!

I take comfort in the fact that other women my age taking the course are also feeling overwhelmed even though one of them has a degree of some sort and appears to be highly intelligent. But then looks can be deceiving. Who knows, I may be deceiving people as well. Apparently when they found out I work with dyslexic children they imagined me to be a real live teacher. As in a university degree. I have a certificate signed by Bonnie's husband extolling my virtues as a certified reading instructor. I sometimes wonder what that really means as I feel like a bit of a poser.

I do love the diversity of students in the class however, and the teacher is a delight. Wide age range of students with some having just graduated from high school, some my age and younger and one appearing to be a pensioner. I'm impressed by a married couple who are high school teachers from Korea who spent a great deal of money to come here and take this class without English being their first language. If I'm overwhelmed by the huge amount of material being fed to me in my mother tongue, these ones must feel like they are trying to chow down an elephant!

For the poster presentation which is a huge percentage of our final mark, I'm paired together with a lovely young woman. This entails writing a lesson plan and presenting it with as much ingenuity, creativity and accuracy as possible. My partner has aspirations to be chosen to take our poster presentation to much higher places. I don't share her enthusiasm but I'm glad she's a keener. Just not keen enough to have presented me with any tangible poster parts yet. Actually I take that back. She bought the poster board on which the project is going to hold our creative genius. I sent her a rough draft of the assignment today leaving places for her to add her brilliance.

As the class swirled around me the other day and terminology was being tossed about as if I should be familiar with it I began to wonder if I was brain damaged. I don't know how the others in the class were able to answer the questions the teacher was throwing out to them randomly and I was hugely relieved when she passed me over. I was wondering what on earth a learning strategy was among other things.

I will continue to take my salmon oil and hope for brighter days. Literally and figuratively.