All IS well, and All Shall be Most Well

                               

I asked Celia to go with me to an appointment with the specialist at the hospital today. She carries a beautiful peace with her and is immersed in truth and the presence of God (whether she feels it or not). Somehow I knew she was the companion I wanted on this day.

We drove around for some time looking for parking and finally ended up at the lot on the beach which turned out to be a blessing.  

Took us a little longer to get all the way around the block to the entrance of the hospital but that was ok.  

We were together and that was something.

I'm so used to doing things on my own and rarely ask people for assistance for these kinds of things as it seems simpler to do it myself but this time I wanted the moral support.

I think I've often turned down potential blessings when people offer to help me and I've got to get better at saying yes. It gives God an opportunity to minister to me and gives me an opportunity to step away from independence.

God made us to be in community and to bear one another's burdens in love.

 I'm all about simplicity and efficiency but that isn't always the best way.  

The appointment was not long, but I had a longer interview with a doc in training first.

Apparently the growth on my pancreas is inoperable which was a relief to me.  I had been wondering how on earth my body would handle surgery considering spasms, bathrooms, etc. etc. 

It felt like that was a little wink from God to me.  

I'm also not into chemo to "buy a little time" so to speak. 

So I'm left in the hands of my Good Shepherd which is the place I want to be.

I feel completely at peace and I know that my days have always been numbered.  I also know that anything is possible with God. 

If it's not my time to go, I won't go.

When we returned to the car this view greeted us.

 We went closer and sat looking, drinking in the still calm and the beauty, thanking God for this exceptional moment feeling cradled in His grace. 

I love that I never have anything to fear.  Sometimes that truth is clearer and easier to rest in than other times, but I am so gratefully riding on a wave of peace and grace and I don't take that for granted.

Our drive home was beautiful.

Celia began to sing an old beloved song that begins with the words "Praise the Name of Jesus...He's my rock, He's my fortress, He's my deliverer in Him will I trust..." so we sang it together and prayed and praised the rest of the way. 

When I got home I checked my little bible app to see what the verse for the day was...

"The Lord is my rock,

my fortress and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,

my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

Psalm 18:2 

So I'm taking that as a personal encouragement and WORD! 

Your Forehead against mine - spiritual direction snd listening prayer

 Had a really great session with Carol Burge, my spiritual director this morning.  It caught me off guard as I had forgotten my session was this early in the month but it felt like a gift and a wonderful way to start the new year - sorting through some feelings of the past month and wondering how to begin this new year.  

We discussed my "new normal" of increased limitations and the pain of this season but she reminded me of the fact that I am "being given opportunities to practice obedience which then leads to authority".  In the everydayness and every moment of the waiting and discomfort of my shoulder and abdominal and back issues it can feel like I am making little to no progress, but in the length I am choosing obedience - at least to some measure. 

So near the end of the session when I felt all "talked out" she asked me to silently listen for anything more God might be saying to me.  

The floodgates opened and God, as near as He always is, took the quick opportunity I had given Him to download a beautiful New Year's message of comfort...

I felt His gentleness and almost good humour as He began to speak saying

"ahhh, come, come, come close my beloved daughter.  I take such EXTREME delight in you.  How you come and keep coming, you try and keep trying.

KAREN - Listen, hear this - "You" - "we" - are doing more than OK! 

Rest in this truth. 

Cease striving and know that I AM GOD.  

You can trust me in all of this.

I am here - so close.

Keep casting ALL your burdens upon me and I will keep caring for you.  

(At this point I leaned my head forward in my hands and heard Him say...) That's it - lean in, your forehead against mine.  Rest and breathe.

Yes I KNOW - I know it's hard but I AM here - I AM with you - always and forever.  

I read this out loud to Carol and then I wept.  I think she was crying to and she asked me to send her the word. 

Somehow having this safe place to process these feelings and to be validated so kindly is huge for me. 

Carol also heard my frustration and concerns about trying to do my "homework" assignment from my course - listening prayer every day.  It's been ridiculously hard - the hamster in my brain is relentless and I am so hard on myself.  

I also mentioned to Carol that I believe I am landing on the ONE space as my enneagram type with a strong 2 wing.  

As much as I want to know more about her (I find people to be so fascinating and I want to know their stories) I know it's good that I don't have the distraction of knowing about her and feeling the need to care for her or include her in my hour on some level. Interesting observation for me.  

I am becoming somewhat more aware and knowing that I have so much TYPE ONE makes me want to extend more grace to myself.  I AM hard on myself and then it's hard for me to receive love from God.  

And in my journey, God has given me such expansiveness of beauty to surround me. 

I'm so grateful.