Freaking

I am amazed at how quickly I can move from being so busy with all those fun activities I just posted about and feeling "settled and content" to freaking out because I am afraid of this incredibly long summer that is stretching out before me.  Afraid of the fear that lurks around too many corners when my days are too empty and I am too unmotivated to make plans with people on daily basis.

As I pondered these two calendar blocks full of mostly empty squares I tried to think of fun things to do. Like TRAVEL!!  I love to travel!!  And now I have all the time in the world!  (just not so much money due to many big expenses this year).
But I digress.  I realized quite quickly that I need another person to travel with if I am going to drive somewhere. Because it's almost impossible for me to get gas on my own and I can't put the wheelchair in the back of the car after I get out of it if I rent one to go visit my friends in Ohio or Iowa!! (those are VERY tricky words to say in rapid succession.  Or just once in my case.) There are potentially innumerable places which are inaccessible to me and traveling is just ridiculously uncomfortable for me now that my back has become so unstable.

My kids are grown and working and having their own lives and I'm just feeling a little off kilter as I ponder my paralyzed future.  My friends are busy with their husbands and kids and all kinds of other activities so they can't just drop everything and come awandering with me!

I have done a bit of advertising to get some students this summer but then I am tied down doing the same thing all year... when it might be nice to have a break. Oh, decisions and conundrums.

But then I remember that I am not my own, and God has a plan for each block of the calendar.  He will make a way for me to be where I need to be.  I just need to be actively seeking Him to fill my days with what brings Him pleasure and then I will be filled up, "settled and content" again.

One day at a time.
Trusting, waiting, trusting.