Failure... or Not

It's nearing the end of summer. I lay here in my sweet bedroom with the sun shining in through the window, trying to figure out my state of mind. I'm sort of trying to analyze my feelings and thoughts. I say "sort of" because part of me is too afraid to go there all the way.

I will begin by saying I didn't do really well with the difficult thing I last posted about. I feel like I just barely passed the test, if at all. It makes me disappointed with myself for not being a superstar, for not putting on a lovely show and making everybody feel good, including myself.

There just didn't seem to be anything in me to put on the show, so I ran away from home. I was afraid of the small talk, underlying tension and pretending. I just did the bare essentials and they were really really bare. Nobody said much of anything regarding the difficult thing, and the most honest I got was telling someone involved that I wasn't able to stay to converse because there was still too much pain inside of me. Now, I must wonder if that was because I didn't draw on God's strength to do the very hard thing in a brilliant way or if I was supposed to get more real with myself and those around me. I still don't know and I've talked this thing out with several people. I feel like I've let God down and I'm afraid of asking Him. I know that sounds crazy because He is my best friend, but I'm feeling a little cut off lately.

I've been in a funny place these last couple of years though. Running out of gas to do the simple things that used to bring me life and that were so easy to do. They also made me look good and people would comment on how impressed they were with me. (In a round about way of course) Now I realize it was all God's grace that allowed me to do any of it in the first place. A good realization, but humbling too. I am definitely feeling smaller and smaller, and more and more insignificant. Struggling with simple things and not feeling really spiritual or strong or disciplined.

Wondering if I've run out of gas because of a "lack" on my part, not fulfilling my part of the deal or if God is simply pulling me away from so many things and so much busyness into Himself. I do feel like I've been pulled away from things, but I don't feel pulled into God as a result and I wonder if that is my fault?

I must remind myself that He is jealous for my affection, amazingly enough. That He's not disappointed with me. That He just wants me to draw close to listen to His Heart and to love from a place of being loved. I trust that He will show me if I really screwed up and that He'll help me to make it right if I did. I do want to live more honestly though and that part felt good. I just need to make sure that my honest living is not misinterpreted if I don't communicate properly. We are to "speak the truth in love".

Jesus help me to do this. To speak the truth in love. To trust you enough to listen again and to rest in your adequacy. I'm just limping along and I want to be carried by you for awhile. Carried so close that I can hear your heartbeat and feel your breath and just know your awesome power to transform my mistakes and redeem my failures.

I'm asking you to wash me with your costly blood and tears so that my hard heart will soften and my fears will melt away.

A Hard Thing

I'm being asked by the Father to do a hard thing. A very hard thing indeed. I need to extend kindness and grace and hospitality to one who has deeply hurt me and my family. Amazing the feelings that spring up from some hidden place; not feelings of mercy, but of anxiety and resentment. Thankfully I know that though the enemy would now like to taunt me I can operate out of the mind of Christ and do that which is humanly impossible "through Christ who strengthens me"!! I don't have to rely on myself but must call on Him who is able to do "exceedingly and abundantly MORE than all I can even ask or imagine.

So Father, I'm asking for a miracle. That I would pass this test. That I would love as you have loved me and forgive as you have forgiven me.

I choose to roll out the welcome mat in the Spirit. I renounce the spirit of division and strife. I welcome the Spirit of Jesus.

Come Holy Spirit and guard my heart and my tongue. Come and be present in this place.

Strengthen me with your righteous right hand.

I thank you in advance for miracles, because you're in the business of making them happen!!

I just need to trust and obey...