April Fun

Spring has been forever in coming and the sunny warm days are few and far between. There are still some nasty winter gusts blowing off the hills which stubbornly hold onto remnants of snow but I checked the weather forecast and it looks like we're in for some lovely days. I usually love April, but it didn't feel very Springy this year. Nonetheless, there have been opportunities to enjoy the great outdoors and I have loved being outside, especially on the Saturday night gatherings.

And surprise, surprise - I found some free dogs which are now happily roaming our backyard! I probably would have preferred just one dog, but these ones came as a package deal and they were Doodles!!! Patrice and I had been hoping to have one of those since we met one downtown several years ago. So I kept my eyes open and checked the classifieds every so often and lo and behold there they were!! I find that "used" dogs are preferable because they come pre-trained and broken in. Ever so handy. And they've brought so much laughter to our little family already. On Saturday I was nervous that they might run off so I had Daniel and Nicole attach each of them to one end of a heavy chain with their leashes. I thought this would keep them close at hand. Suddenly when the large Moose saw a ball flying by he took off like a Stallion and the poor little black dog came hurtling behind him completely out of control and helpless. We laughed so hard, but quickly released the dogs from the useless chain. We had to do some loving on the little lady to calm her down after her frightening ordeal.

We picked the Doodles up and tried them out for a weekend and then I phoned the family to let them know we were keeping them on my birthday. So it's kind of like the Lord gave me these big loving beasties as a 47th birthday gift!! The boy we are calling Moose because he's so gangly with a large head and the little Lady has been dubbed Gracie by Patrice. We'll see how many times the names change, but somehow the names Jazz and Maxi didn't quite suit our tastes

I also had a fun birthday morning in Peachland with Barb, Sue and Anne-Marie Helms to celebrate the occasion of aging. Anne-Marie showed up with a gigantic walking, smiling flower balloon which brought us all a great deal of delight. Until Sue decided to let the walking balloon walk outside and he suddenly took flight. Higher and higher he flew and I despaired of ever bringing my new friend home. Both Sue and I were praying as she ran across the street where he was floating happily towards the lake on a breeze. Truly it was a miracle to watch Sue open her arms and to see the giant smiling flower descend from great heights down into her arms. Unbelievable!!



In the evening I thought I'd treat us to dinner out at Milestones because I had been given a gift card and it seemed fun to go out. We all had delicious meals (mine was steak and shrimp - YUM!!) and then when I went to pay we found that we were at the wrong restaurant!!! haha!!! The gift card was for Moxie's and we had eaten an extravagant meal at Milestones!! Praise God for the provision to pay despite my lapse. I'm so grateful for the wonderful people God has placed in my life for me to celebrate with! Elsie popped by in the evening to wish me a happy birthday and I was happy to show her the beasties and to see her looking so well. We are having a family celebration tomorrow with Mom since the month ends with her birthday.

So very much to be thankful for. An extravagant God has lavished so many good gifts on me again.

Contemplative Retreat

My friend laughed about me attending a "Silent" Retreat. I am one who loves to communicate and verbal is my preference. I didn't know I was signing up for a silent retreat - I just knew it had the word "contemplative" attached to it and I knew that I needed to do some of that kind of praying again!!

All in all it was a good thing that I went. I still feel a little distant and numb and not nearly as "in touch" with God as I'd like to "feel". But I know it's not about feelings. Feelings and spiritual experiences just really help the whole relationship thing but it is perhaps too easy to begin to rely on them. I realized that if I take the time to listen for His voice and ask Him direct questions, He's pretty good about saying the kindest things in response. Quite surprising really, considering my fallen condition. But He is my righteousness and therein lies the hope of it all.

After we got talking again, Him and I, it crossed my mind that I had never asked Him about the accident. As in "where were my angels"? People have often mentioned that it is a miracle that Daniel was spared and that his angels were looking out for him, but they stop short of asking what my angels were doing. So, somehow I braved the question and quite quickly a picture popped into my mind of angelic beings bowing low to the ground in submission to God's will around me rather than rising up to protect me from the impending disaster. It made so much sense to me and reaffirms in my mind that God had a greater purpose in allowing this life changing event to transpire in my 24th year.

Another helpful exercise this weekend was taking our burdens to the Lord in a really tangible way. Tangible as in being able to picture the burden we carry as an object and then asking God what He would like to do with it. The enemy torments us with our burdens and shortcomings, but the Lord is eager to help us with them.

So in picturing some of the more pressing burdens that I carry about with me on a regular basis I was able to see where I carried them on my body and then ask the Lord to remove them. One was a large chain I carried around my neck and He simply bent down, lifted it off me and placed it around His own neck. Another burden feels like I am sliding around on slippery ground and He lifts me up and places my feet back onto the Rock which is solid and secure. So I need to practice this exercise when I feel overwhelmed and am carrying about things that would be much better off carried by Him.

I also loved the community aspect of the retreat.

Eating together (even if it was in forced silence!!) and sharing stories of our journeys or the words that the Lord had spoken to us from the particular passage we were reading. I was reminded of the importance of the method of contemplative prayer/ bible study called Lectio Divina. Slow reading with time to ponder and let God speak. I have done it since coming home with this passage:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go,
I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8

Oh what sweet words to meditate on.
"HE WILL". I don't have to figure out how "I will"...

Embracing the Pain

Yes, winter is passing. And Spring is coming.
Somehow that doesn't create the great excitement that it might have at some point.
However, I am longing for a thaw on every level and today the above zero temperatures and melting snow were a truly welcome sight.

My emotions have been unpredictable and I am learning to cope with this new season of life.

The season where the kids are growing up and away and I wonder just what happens next.
I have lost my passion for life for the most part and I feel like I am grieving the changing of life seasons.
Watching my parents aging and wishing I could set them both back 10 years so they could be more comfortable and active.

And then I wouldn't feel so responsible and sad.

Yet the Lord gave me a picture the other night - I don't know if it was in a dream or not.
I think we were just talking, as we have lots of time to do that when I am awoken by muscle spasms and then lay awake for extended periods thinking and overthinking and praying.

Anyways - in the picture he stood with his arms extended to me. Out of his chest, (I think it was his heart), there extended a long thorn. It was an invitation to embrace Him and it wasn't an awful thing. I believe I entered the embrace, by choice.


At church there has been talk about "embracing the pain" and I don't always know what that looks like, but this was such a good explanatory picture for me. Pain is not an easy thing to embrace, we naturally want to avoid it. But somehow, embracing Christ, even though it meant piercing my own heart with the thorn that came from him seemed right. And what better place to
embrace pain than inside of Christ.

So, as much as I am able, I will enter the embrace.
I will try not so much to just simply endure or moan, but enter into something with Him.

My painful afflicted eyes, my increasingly crazy muscle spasms, my paralysis, my unknown future.
I lean into Jesus, lean into suffering and draw my life from Him.
Trusting for joy and passion to come again.
And until they do, I will simply trust.

"Though the fig tree does not blossom and there are no grapes on the vines...
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord." Habakkuk 3:17

Spring is surely coming.

Saturday Gatherings

A big pot of chili,
Fresh baked bread
Iced tea & salad...
Friends arriving, familiar faces. cheerful greetings.
The blessing spoken, plates are filled and spots are found.

Ah the sweet comfort found in these scheduled gatherings!

I am blessed beyond measure to have friends like these.
All ages gather and community is built, friendship enjoyed.
"like oil poured out"... this unity brings pleasure to Him as well

Precious, precious lives, each one unique, oh so valuable.
The desperate desire to be accepted, loved and valued is nurtured in this ritual.

Listening to stories, laughing together, sharing pain.
God has created a place here and we love to celebrate the ordinary.
Simple, profound and life giving are these shared meals and evenings.

The load is lighter when we gather to eat and play.
Community.
We come away filled and refreshed and so thankful.


Thank you, kind Father.
Such extravagant blessings you heap upon us!

Hopefully Hopeless

The sun is shining today!!! (Thunderous applause, hooting, hollering, and general merry making ensues...)

That may not seem like the biggest deal for many, but we have just gone through the longest, darkest, coldest, cloudiest bout of winter weather. At the moment there are lovely splashes of sunshine and light reflecting off my mirrors and onto my walls. My beloved bedroom is glowing with the warmth of afternoon sunlight and I can see blue sky and white clouds outside my window. It is helpful that I could turn the heat up and warm up my little wheat bags to enhance the illusion of warmth on this sunny January day. Outside the temperatures are hovering somewhere around minus 10, but I will not complain!! The sun is shining and I will rejoice in this day that the Lord has made!

I bundled myself off to church this morning and was engaged in glorious worship and surrounded by the loveliest people. All of us on this strange sojourn, trying to make sense of our lives and our various pains and disappointments and bravely trying to keep believing that this will all be worth it one day...

The message came straight from the throne of God and poured over us like fresh water on desperately thirsty ground. Allastair Petrie spoke of the great power that is unleashed when God's people admit their helplessness and hopelessness and finally lift up their eyes declaring that we can't but GOD CAN!!!! He actually had us bow our heads while those of us who felt hopeless in different areas of our lives raised our hands. (Getting rid of the whole religious bondage that would even keep us from admitting that!!) 90% of us admitted to hopelessness and it felt so good to do it!

I have felt so weary and have found it difficult to even know how to pray. There is such need and such apathy. The church slumbers on and I don't even know how to rouse myself. So the message from Isaiah 57 was about obtaining, humility, holiness, hunger for God that trumps over every other hunger we have and admitting hopelessness. All this so that we can allow God to reign in and through us, bringing transformation.

I can't even begin to do the message justice here, but I can surely say that God had a good reason to tell us not to "forsake gathering together". There is the manifest presence of God that is released when saints gather in humility to worship their Creator and to be reminded of His promises through the spoken Word.

I'm so glad that I could admit to hopelessness. What a tremendous relief not to have to try to fix my broken self nor my broken world. I can't, but God can. And God will. As His people, humble themselves, turn from their wicked ways and pray.

Apparently there are amazing miracles of transformation taking place in areas all around the world. Where children stand and pray for their countries for hours every day, where prisoners accept the Lord en masse, where societies are turned around by a sovereign move of God on behalf of the prayers of His people.

So I will continue to lift up these hands and pray.

THY KINGDOM COME,
THY WILL BE DONE, HERE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN...

Yes Lord, You can and You will!!

A Brand New Year

It's a brand new year! And, unlike other years, I let this one slip in without my usual seeking God for a verse and asking Him for all kinds of good things. Somehow I think and hope that He will be faithful to me even when I haven't been so faithful to seek Him... I think I've read a verse about His faithfulness which is immensely comforting. And, who knows...I'm thinking that all of a sudden I will feel a fresh wind and will be inspired to get that 2009 verse or chapter and know just what God wants me to ask for these next 12 pages of my new calendar!

I'm so grateful for the gentle going out of the last year and the uneventful entrance of the next. The holidays were just wonderful. Even though I work so little (four part mornings a week) it still gives me structure and routine which is so healthy for me right now. And that way I actually look forward to breaks - like two weeks worth of being able to lounge in bed in the mornings and lazily start my day!

I'm grateful for many wonderful family gatherings which were enjoyed over the holidays and...

* for evenings spent with friends, laughing, eating and sharing stories

* a cozy home filled with lights and the Spirit of God

* Daniel came home from Peru!!!! and had Christmas with all of us

* I have a beautiful daughter who still lives at home and hangs out with me

* my mom and dad and Tante Hilda who are that solid generation that holds us together

* God's tangible presence landing on me Christmas Day while driving through beautiful snow covered hills and listening to Handel's Messiah




* our family - little and big, young and old filling up a whole pew at church Christmas Eve for the candle light service

* singing German Christmas carols at mom's on Christmas Eve with four generations

* delicious pea soup and fresh bread at my neice's home with the family - followed by fireside carols




* a delightful New Year's Eve here - the annual BINGO extravaganza, good food, games, and sparklers in the snow

* my wonderful brother arrived cheerfully and went from house to house bringing help and joy

* my delightful sister who was shopping for salad fixings on Christmas Day is alive and well hallelujah!!

* God's amazing grace that keeps us all together and loving each other and Him!

So, through the piles of snow that kept falling out of the sky and changing the landscape into a winter wonderland, we celebrated and enjoyed the great blessings of God. I never want to stop thanking Him!!

MAY HIS KINGDOM COME
MAY HIS WILL BE DONE,
HERE ON EARTH, IN MY HEART, IN MY HOME, IN MY FAMILY, IN MY CHURCH, IN MY CITY, IN MY NATION
AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.

AMEN.

So Tired

I have been on a "tired" leg of this life journey...
Not having the strength or energy or passion to do things that previously brought me so much joy or fulfillment.

When I think of doing simple things, like baking, or writing a letter, or visiting someone who is in the hospital it seems to take a monumental effort to rouse myself to action. And teaching Sunday School has now completely drifted off my grid!
I've taught classes for most of the past 16 years or more. Arriving with a huge basket of things to do, making huge posters with the precious kids, singing and dancing around the class, teaching them about their value and enjoying God with them. Hosting class parties in my home - a gaggle of excited, giggling, energetic young girls screaming through my house! It was exhausting but so fulfilling. And I had the grace to do it.
Now if a teacher is required I don't even volunteer for one class!! The thought sends me running for the hills!! (or my bed to be more exact...)

I've come to realize more and more that it is all grace.

The ability to cope with life from the confines of a wheelchair...
Raising kids, travelling, teaching, sewing, baking,
counselling, prayer ministry, leading groups, public speaking.
All this while trying to cope with a marriage that was lonely & troubled.
And a broken body that somehow managed to cooperate under the influence of an extremely strong will!

And God.

It was actually Him all along giving me the strength, courage and passion to do what I needed to do.
I thought it was about me somehow, but it was simply me working out of the ability and strength that He gave.
And now He is allowing me to recognize that my value does not lie in what I do.
That I bring Him pleasure even when I'm not performing.

People love a performer.
God wants a Lover.

Thankfully I have days where there is energy and I am grateful to be able to do tasks around the house and desk work that has been waiting for my attention. He gives me the strength and joy to meet with kids and help them to read. I am able to host gatherings in my home for which I am extremely grateful. It gives me life.
And then I go lay down and rest. Alot.
It's almost embarrassing how much I rest.

If only I was passionately pursuing God during these down times, but strangely enough, I don't even have the energy to do that. I beat myself up most mornings blaming it on lack of self discipline and I lay there feeling terribly guilty about all the things I haven't done and should do. I awaken very, very early giving me a LONG time to think and pray. I would far rather sleep if it was up to me..

But He pours out grace again and again. Just to be.
I need to rest in Him.
To obey when He speaks and not move out of obligation.

So, here is my little confession of tiredness.

I pray that I will learn what the Father wants me to learn during this season.
There is sadness mingled in as well as I watch my aging parents and my growing children.
Wondering about the role I am now to play.

But He says He will give me beauty for ashes
and the oil of joy in place of mourning.

Come Lord Jesus...