So Tired

I have been on a "tired" leg of this life journey...
Not having the strength or energy or passion to do things that previously brought me so much joy or fulfillment.

When I think of doing simple things, like baking, or writing a letter, or visiting someone who is in the hospital it seems to take a monumental effort to rouse myself to action. And teaching Sunday School has now completely drifted off my grid!
I've taught classes for most of the past 16 years or more. Arriving with a huge basket of things to do, making huge posters with the precious kids, singing and dancing around the class, teaching them about their value and enjoying God with them. Hosting class parties in my home - a gaggle of excited, giggling, energetic young girls screaming through my house! It was exhausting but so fulfilling. And I had the grace to do it.
Now if a teacher is required I don't even volunteer for one class!! The thought sends me running for the hills!! (or my bed to be more exact...)

I've come to realize more and more that it is all grace.

The ability to cope with life from the confines of a wheelchair...
Raising kids, travelling, teaching, sewing, baking,
counselling, prayer ministry, leading groups, public speaking.
All this while trying to cope with a marriage that was lonely & troubled.
And a broken body that somehow managed to cooperate under the influence of an extremely strong will!

And God.

It was actually Him all along giving me the strength, courage and passion to do what I needed to do.
I thought it was about me somehow, but it was simply me working out of the ability and strength that He gave.
And now He is allowing me to recognize that my value does not lie in what I do.
That I bring Him pleasure even when I'm not performing.

People love a performer.
God wants a Lover.

Thankfully I have days where there is energy and I am grateful to be able to do tasks around the house and desk work that has been waiting for my attention. He gives me the strength and joy to meet with kids and help them to read. I am able to host gatherings in my home for which I am extremely grateful. It gives me life.
And then I go lay down and rest. Alot.
It's almost embarrassing how much I rest.

If only I was passionately pursuing God during these down times, but strangely enough, I don't even have the energy to do that. I beat myself up most mornings blaming it on lack of self discipline and I lay there feeling terribly guilty about all the things I haven't done and should do. I awaken very, very early giving me a LONG time to think and pray. I would far rather sleep if it was up to me..

But He pours out grace again and again. Just to be.
I need to rest in Him.
To obey when He speaks and not move out of obligation.

So, here is my little confession of tiredness.

I pray that I will learn what the Father wants me to learn during this season.
There is sadness mingled in as well as I watch my aging parents and my growing children.
Wondering about the role I am now to play.

But He says He will give me beauty for ashes
and the oil of joy in place of mourning.

Come Lord Jesus...

Intentional

In the mornings when I awake I have been doing a new thing.

MEMORIZING!!! It's not really a new thing, but it has been so long since I have committed a larger portion of scripture to memory that it feels new and wonderful.

I was challenged when I visited one of my most favorite and least favorite blogs. Ahem...yes, favorite because it challenges me and speaks with profound beauty and poetry. It is full of the simple essence of life - of Jesus in everyday. It speaks of a life that I wish I had passed onto my kids. It is full of amazing pictures and stories. So I am drawn to that blog time and time again even though I feel so convicted when I compare my parenting and lifestyle. (I know, I know...comparing is so dangerous)

It is least favorite because I feel small and selfish when I read about the daily disciplines practiced by the family. The everyday graces of praying together, memorizing, living very practically for others and literally living out Romans 12 where we are encouraged to offer ourselves as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. But as the writer always signs her name under the simple words "All's Grace" I too live my life under those words.

I need the grace to start fresh again with a simple form of self discipline and I'm doing it!! I started a few days ago and it's amazing how the brain kicks into gear with repetition. So I am taking up the challenge by joining them in Mega Memory Month and am simply doing the same passage that they have chosen...starting with Philippians 1:20. Don't know how far I'll get but it's a great passage and it's important that I just start somewhere!!

So now when I awaken early as I am prone to do, I have so much time to mull the words over in my head, adding line upon line and rejoicing that it is actually sticking!!

Small beginnings.

As Ann says in her blog it's important to be "intentional" in our pursuit of holiness. (Holy Experience)
His mercies are new every morning!!
Truly, all is grace and I am grateful for His call to me is to:"forget the former things, do not dwell on the past for behold I do a NEW THING" Isaiah 43

And now I can rise to a new day with new words written on my heart!

Too Much

I just talk wayyy too much! Honestly - I even surprise myself with how many words I allow to come pouring forth at the slightest opportunity. I do know that our greatest gifting is often our greatest nemesis and in my case this is too true.

It disappointments me that I miss so much by filling the air with so many words when it would be way more important to listen.

Just tonight my daughter, who is one of few words (amazingly enough I gave birth to one of these) flopped onto my bed to chat and was really sharing her heart. I love it when she opens up, even if it is late on a school night, and starts to talk about the inner workings of her heart and how she perceives God and life. She spends far more time thinking and pondering than speaking, so when she finally does say something it is definitely worth my time to listen!

So I did listen, and we bantered back and forth... but suddenly!! Suddenly I had a profound thought!! And it was in such a hurry to come out that I actually cut my precious girl off to pour forth a stream of completely unnecessary words. Not that they were silly words, they actually fit into the conversation quite well, but I missed something in that exchange. Something irretrievable. She was just starting to say something and I cut her off with my profundity!! When I was finished I asked her to finish her thought but she had forgotten it.

sigh.

I know God told us in James to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry". I memorized that whole chapter!! I won't even bother looking into the concordance for all the other references to excessive speech - they pop out at me like blazing neon lights, especially when I read Proverbs! They are underlined!!

It's not only that too many words can lead to sin - speaking of things that aren't edifying or life giving; it's the fact that I somehow secretly think my thoughts are more important than someone else's. At least that seems to be the case. Sounds so horrible I'd rather not write it! Sheesh. I sometimes use the excuse that I'll forget the thought if I don't spout it out as swiftly as it enters my mind because my memory has become a little sketchy. (maybe a lot) But that's still no excuse. Time and time again I've cut people off, interrupted them and just hogged the air time. I need, need, need to exercise SELF CONTROL!!

So Father, I'm only minutely aware of how many blessings I've missed by speaking too much, but I want to become more like you. Valuing what others have to say. Valuing silence. Knowing that even if I don't get my chance to speak, if it's important enough you will make sure that those words gets spoken in some other way and time. Allowing silence to reign if others are not speaking - being comfortable just to be.

Thank you for your unbelievable grace and patience with me. Thank you for the gift of words that you have given me - to share freely and openly and easily. To encourage people, to bring life, to make people laugh and to exhort. But I ask you again to place a guard over my mouth - to remind me through your precious Holy Spirit when I've said enough. And when I shouldn't even begin! You are so kind. You will help me to mature in this area because you "who began a good work in me will bring it to completion"!!! Amen and Amen.