Low Ebb

Kinda funny....I haven't done a post in ever so long so I thought it was time to re-enter the blogger's world. However, upon trying to locate my blog, I was unable to do so. I had to look on my friend's site to find the reference to mine! Then when i tried to enter I discovered that I had forgotten the password. My goodness. So now I have a new password.

I was just wanting to explain that my life has felt like it's been on low ebb these past weeks. Perhaps these past months, when I come to think of it. Maybe even longer! I'm so glad that I don't have to perform for God or I'd be in big trouble. There's so little energy most days to do even the simplest things. But He Loves me!

And thus I continue to swim in oceans of grace. Ever so grateful.

God gave a wonderful time of respite during our trip to Hawaii and YWAM in February. It was more than I could have hoped for. Incredibly rich in beauty, relationships, teaching and worship. I am amazed when I think of how deeply I drank of the Lord's goodness and kindness during that time. I felt so loved, so connected and so hopeful. Old friendships were rekindled and new ones started. The Father reminded me again and again that I need not worry, just rest and trust and wait on Him.

So I returned home with my head held high and great expectation in my heart. I found great encouragement in the fact that this year on the Jewish calendar is somehow translated into the year of a new life cycle. I welcome that with all my heart!! I am ready for new beginnings and am eager to see what the Lord has in store. I'm needing something to pull me forward and to give me motivation...

There has been change in the wind for some time for me, but it hasn't yet been revealed what it will look like.

Letting go of this latest stage of mothering "children" has been exceedingly painful. I am so glad that Patrice is still at home with me, but I have mostly found in her an excellent friend, an equal in many ways and an emerging adult. So I must brace myself for her upcoming 6 week school trip to Mexico and ultimately for her moving on in God's paths where she will no longer be physically so close to me.

So perhaps grieving has had something to do with the "low ebb" I have felt, even though it's a normal, healthy letting go.

I'm so thankful for my students at the school who give me a reason to get up and get going every morning! It's been fun and hugely fulfilling to watch the lights go on in these ones who previously found reading to be their Mount Everest. What a gift to spend time with them and to watch them labour so diligently and then start to READ!! What a lovely miracle to behold and to be a part of.

And so I continue on. To wait on God to fill up my tank, to bring resolution to those places in my life that are feeling unfinished, and praying that He will "restore to me the joy of my salvation". (Psalm 51)

It doesn't feel very clear, but I know He holds my future and my today. So I humbly wait. Unable to be a superstar of any sort. But I know that I carry presence of the Living God within this broken humble frame. And that is enough. May I bring pleasure to His heart.

Purpose

The day is bright. Winter is here in her full glory. Snow... stark branches revealing a broad landscape. Blue skies and crisp cold air. Wispy clouds over snow capped hills. Brave birds looking for food and chirping in spite of the scarce fare.

Much to my delight and surprise I'm enjoying winter. I had declared not long ago that I HATED winter, but God rescued me and I am able to enjoy the season despite the increased darkness and cold.

I marvel sadly how long it has been since I have posted anything here. It would cross my mind on occasion, but somehow I've discovered that I am not one who can consistently pump out daily editorials such as I find on other blogs that I visit. My admiration for these ones has grown and I must be content with my abilities and the waxing and waning of energy which dictates my schedule.

Part of the reason I believe for my lack of energies invested here is that I have begun to TEACH!! My mind has been busied in a new direction and my days, thankfully, have more structure and purpose. The course that I began to study this summer to help those with dyslexia and reading lag has led me into a different world which has broadened my horizons.

I have had the privilege of working with three students who have enriched my life and whom I have been able to practically help. We have such fun together (when the lessons are not too overwhelmingly exhausting for them) and I find that this is actually about much more than helping kids to decode words. What a privlege to be able to listen to their hearts and to speak encouragement into these precious ones who struggle with something most of us take completely for granted. In turn, their friendship and trust has warmed my heart and given me hope. Interacting with their families has also enriched my life and increased my admiration for those who pour out immense energy and love on their struggling children.

I have been humbled by my lack of experience and meager knowledge, but God has partnered me with the designer of the program who speaks constant encouragment into me and who sees who I will become rather than how little I presently know. Our common desire to love Jesus in practical ways by helping others is a great common denominator and her patience with me and infectious optimism in this program is such a gift to me. Despite my stumbling along and inexperienced efforts I have seen much improvement in my students which leads me to want to know more and to continue on with this discipline. I am trusting that what God has begun, He will use for His glory as I continue to push myself to increase my knowledge and understanding of the myriad of ways that different minds learn and how to match their learning styles with suitable teaching!

So, that's where I've been. In the midst of all of that I've had a most delightful Christmas season with many celebrations and gatherings in my home. Singing of carols with family around the tree, delicious feasts, laughter, gifts, games and fabulous friends. I am rich beyond compare. I am grateful to the Father of Lights for coming into this dark world and setting my heart aflame with passion for Him. I'm thankful for the new beginnings I am experiencing and for those which are yet to come!

Divine Extravaganza

Fall....divinely beautiful.

Exquisite colors against the backdrop of ever changing skies.
Blowing winds toss flaming leaves about in a delightful frenzy.
Grass still green and lush, a carpet rolled out for the divine extravaganza.
Flowers proudly displaying their profusion of bright hues in a grande finale before the curtain drops.
Sun breaks through and bits of warmth remind us of the not so distant summer.
Harvest abounds...apples hang thick like candies on the trees and gardens render the last of their produce into eager hands.
Huge bales of hay decorate fields as they await transport to dry winter homes.

How is it that before the darkest, coldest season there is such earthy celebration?
Rich colors, smells and tastes. Cool, brisk winds awaken the senses.

And then the curtain begins to drop.
Slowly, but surely, darkness encroaches, cold brings dormancy and death.

But wait...listen carefully for the quickening heartbeat!

Is this the Creator's dance of celebration?
His excitement finds expression and it is glorious in its beauty.
Knowing that one day soon there will be no more death.
The great reunion is near, the coming unity and the lifting of the veil.

Sing, dance with Him!! Don't fear the darkness or impending death.
It is merely foreshadowing of brightness, of unending light.

Celebrate the darkness which leads to eternity!!

times of refreshing

It's been over a month since I've had anything to say here... And looking at my last post I realize it's probably time to update!

I'm moving on and am not stuck back in that sad season of saying goodbye to my precious dog and the ending of summer.

Oh the goodness of God. Seasons change, There are beginnings and there are endings and there are the inbetween times to persevere and give thanks to God for the gift of life. And I do want to give thanks. It feels like a new season has begun in many ways.

After our tearful farewell to our dog, we were thankfully able to take our summer vacation. It was a good time to get away and what an adventure we had! It was a road trip down to the Oregon Coast, so we left with high hopes, laughter in our hearts and a good friend to enjoy the journey with. Ah the joys of zipping down the highways with music flowing all around us and marvelous scenery to delight our eyes.

That first day was a whopper to say the least! We took a "wrong turn" at Naches and ended up driving for hours and hours through some amazingly gorgeous national park in Washington. We were stunned by the beauty and this whole part of the trip caught us completely by surprise! Isn't that just like God to turn a "mistake" into something beautiful. And the really lovely part of this whole turn of events was that we ended up in the area where our former nanny lives, so that settled the whole issue of whether or not we would have time to stop in and see her. She was not originally on the itinerary, although there was a desire to see her. After making the phone call to arrange a visit, we spent a long, grueling time searching for a place to sleep. It was like we had landed on a planet with no hotels, and we were in the city of Tacoma! That was beyond our comprehension and at that late hour of the day we were desperate to crawl out of the car and SLEEP! After circling and driving and stopping for directions more than once we found a luxurious place to lay our heads and decided we wouldn't worry about the cost. Exhaustion overruled my plans to find a budget motel!!

After a sweet reunion with our nanny, lots of pictures, laughter and visiting, we gathered in a circle to commit our ways to the Lord. I do believe that was a God ordained detour and am grateful that we don't have to get bent out of shape when we take "apparent" wrong turns. What an amazing Shepherd we have...all knowing, ever loving and oh so trustworthy.

I did question Him a number of times during the trip concerning the difficulty of finding accessible bathrooms and lodging as this trip was particularly challenging in that area. However, we had a wonderful, wonderful time and the beauty and fun was definitely worth it! Ah the ocean, the the endless beaches, the sunsets, the shopping, the sand dunes, the marine life & the winding roads along the most incredible scenery, Our cups were full to overflowing. Thank you Jesus for times of refreshing!!

The day we spent driving home was once again full of surprises. We got up at some unearthly hour in the black of night so the girls could get home in time for a rodeo. The ride into the morning light was gloriously beautiful and the conversation and music were a delight. We were making such good time. Amazingly good time...when the car lost power. I pulled over to the side of the highway and a new adventure began. A kind motorist rescued us, in every sense of the word. He was a good Samaritan if I have ever seen one and he took us in his car to a place where we could "refresh ourselves" and where my phone had reception so I could begin the fun of trying to find a tow truck on the Sunday of a long weekend. Even though I had BCAA, they left me in charge of finding my own truck and the good samaritan was very helpful in that area. He took the girls to his home while I stayed in the vehicle to wait for the truck.

It was a good three hour wait and thankfully I am quite equipped for and accustomed to this activity. I was finally able to organize the crazy mess that the car had turned into and I felt very accomplished as I busied myself with this. I then worked my way through Bible readings, taking pictures of my scenic surroundings, writing in my journal, and snacks and drinks that were left in the vehicle. At this point I was very grateful for a couple of small cool packs we had along, as I was really starting to heat up! I was applying them to my neck and chest as the day grew increasingly hot. I think by the last hour the still air had reached around 34 degrees, so I was grateful when a car would zoom by and give me a bit of a breeze. The sight of that tow truck was a VERY welcome one and he just hoisted the vehicle up on the back of his tow truck, WITH ME STILL IN IT and away we went. I wondered if this was legal, but it sure simplified matters and I was ever so happy to have that breeze blowing through my window to cool me down.

Eventually the girls and I met up at the border where we travelled together the rest of the way home, having been rescued by another good Samaritan. I was very grateful to have BCAA, as the entire trip home for my car was paid for. (I am hoping for a reimbursement that was promised for the US side of the journey!) Needless to say, the rodeo didn't happen, but we came home with alot of wonderful memories and though we were exhausted we were safe and sound. Many thanks to our precious Jesus for an unforgettable adventure!

My Precious Jewel

My sweet doggie returned to the dust yesterday. Many tears have been shed over the past few weeks as I have watched her slowly grow weaker...but we were still sharing sweet times and she was able to enjoy wandering through the orchard and visiting with us as we sat out on the patio drinking in the summer beauty. How she loved the parties on the patio when she might enjoy table scraps and just spend time with those she loved. She just assumed that everyone loved her...what a nice way to be. Digging herself a nice cool hole at the side of the house (or in my flower beds!!) to pass the hot afternoon hours or laying under the oak tree munching on a bone. The precious welcome as she recognized me and ran to meet me when I drove up the driveway, joining me in the garage and waiting for her neckrub as I got out of the car. Oh how she would leap and dance for joy when she knew I was driving out into the back field with her to give her a run around the orchard...and then the race back to the house along the side of the road. She got pretty good at taking shortcuts =), but she was fast!

The memories flicker through my mind, and I am brought to tears again...what a sweet gift she was for us. Such a gentle, kind, big beasty. Those lovely hazel eyes with the bushy brows hanging down over them. The beard, so comical & unladylike...often dripping with water from her latest visit to the watering hole - giving her the nickname "drool". Sweet, sweet doggie, such a gift from God for this season of our lives. I am so grateful to God for her and for the comfort and joy and laughter she brought to us.

God in His great kindness gave us these sweet animals to treasure. They speak to me of His character. The simple, pure devotion in Jewel was another reflection of the character of God in my life. Her name, which she arrived at our home with, suited her perfectly. A precious gem, a jewel, she surely was. My heart aches, but I know I will heal. Just an animal...but one that I will never forget and feel privileged to have spent these years with. She was like a little piece of heaven here on earth and I surely hope the Lord has a nice place for her to enjoy wherever she is now. I can still hope that I'll see her in heaven, I don't care where the whole theology thing fits in. It comforts me to know that a God who is kind and creates such beautiful animals for us to enjoy will look after them as well. Wouldn't it be just so fun to have her be a part of the crowd that greets me when I get to my heavenly home?!

Thank you Jesus for the gift of Jewel. Thank you for your kindness to us through her. Thank you Jesus for the precious and beautiful creation which you gave us so generously to enjoy. A heart that thought up & created Jewel is a most beautiful & precious heart indeed. I love you so much, my precious Jesus...

surviving expectation

A tough day is drawing to a close for which I am grateful. God knew we'd need an end to each day and a fresh start the next morning so He gifted us with night time and sleep. Sweet relief. If you can sleep, that is!

Today at our church gathering we had a sermon on healing. Testimonies were given and bold proclamations were made. Faith in action. I was challenged to not grow cynical...but instead to maintain an attitude of expectation. That's not the easiest place for me, so I need to guard my heart and to keep myself from withdrawing and simply watching from a distance, or even more tempting, running away from the challange. Boy, did I want to bolt today - grab a friend and head over to Starbucks for a good visit rather than hear another sermon on healing. There's the honest brutal truth.

But I stayed. I need to be there if Jesus wants to talk to me, and there's that verse about "not forsaking the assembling of the brethren...". So I didn't forsake but I hid in the background. He surely knows my heart and the length of this journey I'm on.

It's grown particularly rough as of late. The muscle spasms that literally grab my body and arch my back repeatedly, throwing my neck out have been growing in intensity and frequency. They wake me up at night, sometimes going on for hours and keep me rolled up in a ball holding my knees to my chest waiting for the storm to calm. The medications only help a little - mostly I take them to help me to sleep through the rough patches and to keep things from going out of control. At the moment my body lies silent...a blessing of mamoth proportions. Never know when the bomb will go off again.

I've also felt the quiet tremors of depression trying to rock my world. It's a frightening thing, the darkness that descends on my spirit and the bleak future that seems to await me. I feel very alone and frightened. Abandoned and betrayed. Rejected. Nothing Jesus isn't intimately aquainted with. So I've got good company. But sometimes that company is awfully silent.

Today, during the message, people were urged to check for visible miraculous signs. But to tell you the truth, all I wanted was to get rid of my headache, or better yet my spasms!! That would be far more helpful in my case. The headaches are either migraines or caused by the wicked strong spasms, but wherever they come from I'd just love for Jesus to take them away. Would be even better to get rid of the spasms too, but I have to muster up my faith BIG TIME to go up for prayer about that one again. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting a little jaded. I don't want that. I want to stay real and soft before Jesus. The only word I got when I dared to ask Him about things was "perseverance". Yup. Working on that one. For quite some time now. "...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance and perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be MATURE & COMPLETE". James 1 (Karen's Memory Version)

I feel battle worn and weary. Wanting a new life...one that's not quite so limited and painful. But I admit that I'm whining again. Honestly, it's just been a rough road and I need to vent somewhere. The Lord rescued me today by sending me to my sister's place. Such a safe place. She loves me and serves me with such kindness. And she knows pain and depression and long hard journey's as well as I do. I was able to lie down, take a pill for my headache and rest. And then I got up...you just keep pushing ahead as much as you'd like to sleep your life away when it's so dark.

So we sat and talked, watching her sweet little finch and we laughed together. I was able to be so real and she hears me with no judgment or condemnation. She has suffered much and has much compassion and mercy. It was a healing balm to my soul. So Jesus showed up with skin on through my sister. And later my parents and auntie showed up and we had a lovely gathering on the back porch. Familiarity. Laughter. Love. Oh my, how quickly I forget how blessed I am when I allow myself to be overwhelmed by my grief. I drove away from there refreshed.

Tonight as the spasms and grief threatened to steal my peace again a verse came...and I must obey or I will be destroyed. I can't figure this all out. It's too big and too scary for me. But Jesus has the answers. ALL of the answers. About my body, my future and my loneliness.

"TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, Karen, and do not lean on your own understanding".

Ok. Help me Jesus is all I can say right now. Help me to trust you and not to do this on my own. Forgive me for my stubborn independence. You are everything I need. I will not worry about tomorrow but I CHOOSE LIFE & THE GIVER OF LIFE. I choose to trust that You will be true to your Word. I choose to worship.

Praise You Jesus, You are my Redeemer,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Wholeness,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Health & Healer
Praise You Jesus, You are my Savior & You wash me clean with Your precious Blood.
Praise You Jesus, because you are Worthy.
Praise You Jesus, You are my Fortress & my Resting Place
Praise You Jesus...Nothing is impossible for You!!!

Definitely Worth a 2nd Read!!

Today in my daily Bible reading I came upon 2 Chronicles 20. Now, to tell you the truth, Chronicles hasn't really been the most delightful read. There are alot of kings doing alot of their own thing instead of God's thing, but there are some great stories in there too. However, today's reading was a whopper!! I just love King Jehoshaphat's reaction to a huge attack leveled against him by "a VAST multitude". At first he was afraid which I can surely appreciate. But his fear had a positive effect upon him as "he resolved to seek the Lord" when he had heard this news. He proclaimed a fast for ALL of JUDAH so they would all seek the Lord with him and then he prayed the most magnificent prayer. This prayer is just so amazing because it reinforces the truth about who God is. How quickly we forget His omnipotence and think that the battle is ours to somehow win. Read this & be mightily encouraged!

"Lord God of our ancestors are you not the God who is in heaven, and do you not rule over all the kingdoms of the nations?
Power and might are in your hand and NO ONE CAN STAND AGAINST YOU...
Our God will you not judge them? For we are powerless before this vast multitude that comes to fight against us.
We do not know what to do BUT WE LOOK TO YOU." 2 Chron. 20: 6-12

After this beautiful, humble admission of truth, the Lord replies through the prophet Jahaziel:

"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast multitude, FOR THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS BUT GOD'S...position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord...tomorrow go out to face them for the Lord is with you!" vs 15-17

Don't you love God's advice for going into battle? We need to hear those words so often in life...and God says them often in the Scriptures...Do not be afraid. The beauty of all of this is that NOTHING has changed... God is still the God who is the ruler over all the kingdoms & the battle still belongs to the Lord. There is, of course, the important component of our obedience in warfare, but it doesn't change who God is and what He is capable of doing with or without our help!

The day of the battle, Jehoshaphat gets up and instead of just worrying about the physical aspects of the battle formation etc. etc., he makes sure that there are singers going in front of the battle formation "to praise the splendor of His holiness" and as they walked before the army they kept singing these amazing words:

"Give thanks to the Lord for His faithful love endures forever" vs. 21

And this next part is enough to make you want to stand up and begin praising right this moment...listen to this:

"The moment they began their shouts and praises the Lord set an ambush against [their enemies] and they were defeated". vs 22

WOOHOO!! You've gotta love that kind of warfare.
Sooo, the challenge in this moment for me, in this day, this week, this season of my life is to Give thanks to the Lord! To shout and praise Him and declare how incredibly good and amazing and powerful and wonderful He is. Over and over again. Every single day. Worship will win the battle. It puts everything back into proper perspective.

NO ONE CAN STAND AGAINST GOD. None of my enemies can stand against my God. And I know that ultimately I only have one enemy and I would rather look at Jesus and concentrate on His plans for me any day, rather than spend time looking at my enemy and getting freaked out.

So there it is. A powerful message in a book that hasn't quite been my favorite. I'm glad I'm persevering through the whole BOOK so that I come upon these treasures in surprising places!