surviving expectation

A tough day is drawing to a close for which I am grateful. God knew we'd need an end to each day and a fresh start the next morning so He gifted us with night time and sleep. Sweet relief. If you can sleep, that is!

Today at our church gathering we had a sermon on healing. Testimonies were given and bold proclamations were made. Faith in action. I was challenged to not grow cynical...but instead to maintain an attitude of expectation. That's not the easiest place for me, so I need to guard my heart and to keep myself from withdrawing and simply watching from a distance, or even more tempting, running away from the challange. Boy, did I want to bolt today - grab a friend and head over to Starbucks for a good visit rather than hear another sermon on healing. There's the honest brutal truth.

But I stayed. I need to be there if Jesus wants to talk to me, and there's that verse about "not forsaking the assembling of the brethren...". So I didn't forsake but I hid in the background. He surely knows my heart and the length of this journey I'm on.

It's grown particularly rough as of late. The muscle spasms that literally grab my body and arch my back repeatedly, throwing my neck out have been growing in intensity and frequency. They wake me up at night, sometimes going on for hours and keep me rolled up in a ball holding my knees to my chest waiting for the storm to calm. The medications only help a little - mostly I take them to help me to sleep through the rough patches and to keep things from going out of control. At the moment my body lies silent...a blessing of mamoth proportions. Never know when the bomb will go off again.

I've also felt the quiet tremors of depression trying to rock my world. It's a frightening thing, the darkness that descends on my spirit and the bleak future that seems to await me. I feel very alone and frightened. Abandoned and betrayed. Rejected. Nothing Jesus isn't intimately aquainted with. So I've got good company. But sometimes that company is awfully silent.

Today, during the message, people were urged to check for visible miraculous signs. But to tell you the truth, all I wanted was to get rid of my headache, or better yet my spasms!! That would be far more helpful in my case. The headaches are either migraines or caused by the wicked strong spasms, but wherever they come from I'd just love for Jesus to take them away. Would be even better to get rid of the spasms too, but I have to muster up my faith BIG TIME to go up for prayer about that one again. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting a little jaded. I don't want that. I want to stay real and soft before Jesus. The only word I got when I dared to ask Him about things was "perseverance". Yup. Working on that one. For quite some time now. "...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance and perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be MATURE & COMPLETE". James 1 (Karen's Memory Version)

I feel battle worn and weary. Wanting a new life...one that's not quite so limited and painful. But I admit that I'm whining again. Honestly, it's just been a rough road and I need to vent somewhere. The Lord rescued me today by sending me to my sister's place. Such a safe place. She loves me and serves me with such kindness. And she knows pain and depression and long hard journey's as well as I do. I was able to lie down, take a pill for my headache and rest. And then I got up...you just keep pushing ahead as much as you'd like to sleep your life away when it's so dark.

So we sat and talked, watching her sweet little finch and we laughed together. I was able to be so real and she hears me with no judgment or condemnation. She has suffered much and has much compassion and mercy. It was a healing balm to my soul. So Jesus showed up with skin on through my sister. And later my parents and auntie showed up and we had a lovely gathering on the back porch. Familiarity. Laughter. Love. Oh my, how quickly I forget how blessed I am when I allow myself to be overwhelmed by my grief. I drove away from there refreshed.

Tonight as the spasms and grief threatened to steal my peace again a verse came...and I must obey or I will be destroyed. I can't figure this all out. It's too big and too scary for me. But Jesus has the answers. ALL of the answers. About my body, my future and my loneliness.

"TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, Karen, and do not lean on your own understanding".

Ok. Help me Jesus is all I can say right now. Help me to trust you and not to do this on my own. Forgive me for my stubborn independence. You are everything I need. I will not worry about tomorrow but I CHOOSE LIFE & THE GIVER OF LIFE. I choose to trust that You will be true to your Word. I choose to worship.

Praise You Jesus, You are my Redeemer,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Wholeness,
Praise You Jesus, You are my Health & Healer
Praise You Jesus, You are my Savior & You wash me clean with Your precious Blood.
Praise You Jesus, because you are Worthy.
Praise You Jesus, You are my Fortress & my Resting Place
Praise You Jesus...Nothing is impossible for You!!!

it's going to be all right

In the midst of this gorgeous summer, with lovely, long lazy days full of light and heat and abundant life, I need to be reminded again that God is taking good care of me.

I got up this morning and headed into town for my eye appointment. My eyes are not so inflamed and irritated now so it's a better time to get them checked for a new prescription. I've noticed the vision in my left eye is definitely worse than the right and I'd like to get glasses that I can see clearly through. This is all a little disappointing because of all of the laser surgery I had done years ago, but I know enough to be grateful for how well I am able to see!! My eyes persistently seem to want to go back to their old ways! I left the eye doctor's office last time wanting to weep, because of how inflamed and scratched my corneas were. I was afraid of the blindness that afflicts many on my mother's side of the family. And now afflicts my mother.

So I returned for my new checkup and prescription. I found it incredibly hard to decide which was better "number one or number two"... And my left eye had a very hard time as it seemed to be hazy which I mentioned to the Dr. He carefully examined my eyes, again and again. He is very gentle, methodical and soft spoken. Finally he shared that his findings showed the beginnings of cataracts at the backs of both of my eyes. Worse in the left.

Wow. I never saw that one coming! At least not yet!! I thought old people got cataracts! Hmmm.

I left the office with my prescription and newfound knowledge. And I wanted to cry again. Even at this point trying to squeak out a word or two of worship...but not really entering into it. I got into the car where my daughter sat waiting and listening to the radio. The words of the song playing were something to the effect of "it's going to be all right". And I knew that God was speaking to me. I could choose to listen or enter into self pity.

It feels like another hammer blow. But He won't ever give me more than I can bear. He has promised that, I know. But, to tell you the truth I am amazed at times at how much He knows we are able to handle. And He just keeps trusting us to trust Him. Good thing the Holy Spirit lives inside of me, Kind Counsellor, Friend and Helper. I am amazed that He chooses to reside here, and am grateful beyond measure.

Beautiful, Beautiful Spirit of the Living God. Helping me to choose. Not to worry. To trust.. And to worship.

"To him who has ears to hear..." I need to stay closely tuned to that still small voice. The one that sometimes chooses to sing to me through the radio.

"it's going to be all right" Amen.

Inevitable

A season of change is upon me. I cannot fight it and of course I know where the whole journey is leading so it's rather surprising that I don't embrace this more heartily!

BUT...

I have been gifted with a mother's heart, and my flesh is often weak and wants to be comforted. And all in all, I believe that we feel pain because we are created in His image. He has not only a Father's heart, but a Mother's heart, so He totally knows where I'm at with all of this. He also has a Son with whom He bore the most agonizing separation ever imaginable so my pitiful whining seems almost negligible. Can't even begin to compare. But He knows, and He feels my little pains and watches with great tenderness. Oh my precious Father. There He is, His closeness making me cry again.

Man, I'm sounding so melodramatic, this story is by now almost anti-climactic!

My precious firstborn, my only son is planning his grand adventure of "moving out" for the very first time. What fun for him. I really do rejoice with him and am excited in my own way, imagining the delight of starting out fresh - as an adult in your own place. Away from momma and surrounded by friends. He phoned this morning, out gathering treasures at garage sales to fill his new home with. I'm eager to help him where I can but it's hard to imagine the house without his actually "living here". I was hoping this wouldn't happen yet. He's only 20. Smile.

The other week, as the realization really began to settle in, I woke up three mornings and actually cried about it. Out loud. That is not a common occurrence in my life. I'm known for being fairly strong - kind of like a bulldozer that just keeps chugging along, moving whatever debris it needs to to continue on in that narrow path. So, having done my crying, I need to do what I need to constantly be doing. Trust. God tells me that all the time. It's the underlying message in all of our lives. Of course we'll never figure it all out down here. So we trust. Trust in God's goodness, His promises, His presence that will never, ever leave us alone. Never, ever.

That's good for me to remember so that I don't try to pull the pity thing. Trying to put a heavy on Daniel by asking him why he would leave me and his sister alone on a 10 acre orchard out in the country. I know that this is temporary, I'll probably be moving into town sometime this year and anyways, we're never, ever alone out here. God is just as much with me when I'm out here as he is when I'm in a crowded room in the city. How great that we can never get away from His presence. And then there's always those angels that He keeps posted around me and my loved ones.

"O Lord you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely,
O Lord.

You hem me in - behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me.
Your right hand will hold me fast."

Psalm 139: 7-10

So, with a shaky breath I bravely face the near future which is once again rapidly changing. There are more changes to come - that is a certainty! And if I just keep taking one day at a time like I've been slowly learning to do, sometimes one hour at a time, I'll be just fine. God has so many surprises in store for me. Even when my kids grow up and away, it's not like I won't see them anymore! And God will provide something else for me to focus on. Growing up is truly a lifelong process.

SecretS

Just thinking about those special, intimate secrets we share with God. Things between very best friends, treasures that are mulled over and enjoyed immensely...the comraderie of knowing the two of you share something no one else does. I can feel His pleasure when I keep those things just between the two of us. Too often I blow it and am so eager to make the circle of sharing bigger, but often in doing that, some of the magic - if I can use the word in this context- is lost.

It's somehow linked to His admonition to us not to let our left hand know what our right hand is doing. Sometimes in sharing the secret I feel like I spoil something of eternal value. A treasure that was heavenly and eternal is somehow reduced to having all of it's glory spilled out only for the here and now. Not that it's always bad, or even wrong. But the choice to keep the secret, knowing all of the glory is His anyways, is mine to make. I think I usually give in and share it, kind of like I'm still a little kid in so many ways and want the party now...but I pray that I'll learn to keep these secrets. These special glimplses I'm given into things of eternal value. When Jesus lets me know that through me He's touched someone, made a difference, helped someone see a teensy bit more of His beauty. Those times when He shows me beauty in something I never thought beautiful before, but suddenly I'm seeing in an eternal light.

It's been a prayer that I've prayed at times, that I'd see after the Spirit rather than after the flesh. I'm such a late bloomer in so many ways, slow to grow to maturity in things that really matter.

But He is infinitely patient. And He still shares the secrets with me - still trusts me. Now that's a real wonder, considering how well He knows me. I'm just so crazy about Him. One day I'll see His face and touch His Hands...but until then He's given me so much of Himself to explore and enjoy. When I remember to, I pray that He'll set a guard over my tongue. It's one of my biggest blessings and biggest downfalls - this busy mouth of mine.

I wish I was at my other computer so I could look up the scripture about how He shares His secrets with us. But I'm tucked into bed without my big bible and concordance. Just finished a wonderful novel by Cindy Martinusen called "EVENTIDE". I love the references to eternity in this novel - it all boils down to those two important things, loving God and loving each other. They are inseparable. And not running away from our destiny, from the hard things in life which often lead to the most beauty and joy.

May I love God enough to keep His secrets. Oh precious Lover of My Soul, I want to be trustworthy.

SuFFering

Not the nicest title for a post, I know. Suffering. But it's part of the package deal from what I've found on my journey. And it seems not to be very evenly distributed. Just like good looks, talent, intelligence and material possessions don't seem to be fairly distributed amongst mankind from our tiny vantage point down here.

But there's so much we don't see.

What a relief that God is God and I'm not!! I'm so glad I'm not in charge of handing out these various "treasures"! And I must admit that suffering has been a gift in my life, as much as I've wanted to run from it at times. It reminds me that life is about so much more than what we see and feel and experience down here. It's easier not to get caught up in the "rat race" if just getting through a day is a struggle. Not that most days are like that...but some are. And that's ok. Those days remind me that we're only here for a very little while.

Our time down here is short but vitally important. So those very things that seem to rob the "pleasure" out of life are really arms of grace pushing me into what matters most. Jesus. And anything that gets me looking at Him, longing for Him and loving Him more is worth it in the long run. Really, it is. (At the moment I'm not in intense pain so I can say this...smile)

And then the true pleasure comes. (If I don't try to hide. If I choose to look at Him, worship Him and throw myself over the cliff of faith and land in His arms.)
The pleasure of His presence.
The pleasure of pleasing Him.
The pleasure of reveling in His beauty and creation and life.
The pleasure of hearing Him tell me that He really, really loves me. That He's proud of me. Amazing Grace.

"There's far more to this life than trusting in
Christ. There's also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much
a gift as the trusting." Philippians 1: 29? (The
Message)

So...what am I really saying here? I'm not even sure. Just admitting that life can be really hard sometimes. I've watched so much suffering around me this year. So much. And I don't even live in Calcutta! But God continues to rescue and give perspective and courage and strength for the journey. So that we can pursue the reason that we have been given life - to be conformed into the image of His Son (Romans 8:29). Often I forget about that part and just concentrate on getting through the tough spots. (I too like the comfortable parts of life!!)

Having said all of that I also know that He loves to give us an abundance of gifts if we will have the eyes to see them...and enjoy them. I am overwhelmed when I think of how much God has given me - how much He has allowed me to see and enjoy and experience. I recall a quote by C.S. Lewis I believe, that talked about God not allowing us to get too comfortable down here so we don't mistake this world for our home. Well, I for one can certainly say that I'm glad that this is NOT the end of the journey and this is not my real "home".

THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!