Kinda Sweet

A while ago I was sitting with a sweet little grade 2 student and for some reason we were talking about heaven.

Kids are so delightful… trusting and eager for good things.
I work with an amazing bunch of them this year.  It's hard to believe I get paid for doing something that is so life-giving and so very fulfilling.  And fun.  The jelly bean reward getting pooped out of the little rein-dog never gets old.

Anyways...
I told this little gal that we would have a date up in heaven where we would hang out with animals and do fun stuff together. Maybe ride horses, go on a picnic.  It was fun to talk about, as heaven usually is.  But then it was back to the vowels, imprinting, and reading words.

A tiny little interaction.

Some days later I was in the office signing out and this gal's mom told me that as she was putting her to bed the night before she said,  "Mrs. Engel and I are going to play together in heaven and she isn't going to be in a wheelchair!"

I don't even know if the wheelchair had come up in our conversation, but I love that she had contemplated the whole idea of us seeing each other up there and hanging out together and that it made her happy.

I love that I can talk about Jesus, pray for the kids and encourage them about the big plans He has for them.
I work at a really great school.
I'm so grateful for God arranging this whole wonderful set-up for this season in my life.

His ways are perfect.

Just Love Me

I've been struggling with the voices in my head.
Accusing me, accusing God.
That old ugly perfectionist part of me that rises up and tells me insistently that I am not doing enough or am not doing things well enough.
It is exhausting and very discouraging.
And it keeps me from communing from God when it's bad.
And it's been pretty bad as of late.

So yesterday in church we were encouraged to ask God about one thing that we could do… I'm not even sure anymore what the rest of the sentence was, but right there I was COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED.
Because I couldn't imagine trying to DO ONE MORE THING.  It wasn't a discouraging message in any way - actually VERY encouraging, but those words were a trigger for me and I was just frozen with fear to even ask.
But somehow God's sweet words managed to squeeze past the gigantic fear monster sitting in my head and He said,

"just love me"

OH WOW.  Ok - I can do that.
I don't know if I do it very well, but how can I not love God?
I do love Him and I can keep loving Him.

Cause the other part - loving others - will come and be a natural result if I love God well.

So, that's what I'm doing and what I will keep on doing.
Shut up is what I say to the stupid voices in my head and Yes to God's sweet invitation.

Right now all I can handle is just the basics.
Wash my mind daily with His word, and stay connected to Him.
(And stay AWAY from the news…)

Exceptional

The BUTTERFLIES reconvened today!

We landed at Mon Thong after nearly a year of not connecting and the wings were fluttering with force - in other words many words were forthcoming and we were most delighted to be together!!

This group has met for many years now and we know each others stories.
No need for much intro - we're straight into the thick of things and sharing our sadness and joy with great gusto.
We celebrate birthdays too in a general sort of way - this year all on one day so gifts and cards were passed around by those who had the energy to put something together before meeting.

These women are absolutely exceptional.
I feel so privileged to be a part of this group and to know the stories and to feel the love.
Each one is so unique and intense it's almost laughable, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Most of us are full of many words so we have to be careful to give "the floor" to each one so that there is not a collision of catastrophic proportions. We have learned to listen quite well and there is so much collective wisdom that is given without hesitation and with great love.

I love the vibrancy and life that is exuded in such a variety of ways - they are women of excellence and I highly respect and admire them.  (Being the baby of the group is quite a nice deviation from the norm and I can look up to them as older, wiser sisters.)

So anyways, that happened today and in the midst of this cold snap, on this wintery feeling day it was almost a Christmasy event. I felt cozy and tucked in sitting at that round table, eating delicious Thai food and hearing stories that reflected the faithfulness of God in the midst of transition, pain, busyness, disappointment, and satisfaction.  We are all in different places and there was deep sadness expressed along with great joy.  Those parallel tracks of life that we run along - increasing with intensity as we age.  Deeper joys of grandchildren for some and deeper pains of lost spouses and repeated lost opportunities for others.

But oh the beauty of Jesus in these ones.
We just keep digging deeper into Him as the years pass and He is becoming more relevant and central.
We're slowly figuring out the importance of that ONE THING…

Passing Through

Meditating on John 17.
Kind of relieved to read this bit,

"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15 My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17 Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth."

Not like I'm feeling hated or anything. And that should probably concern me more than it does, come to think of it.  It just feels so awkward to live in this world, in the midst of so much pain and heartache with messages of tragedy coming in from all sides. Clearly I have not been obedient in staying away from news and it is telling on me.


I don't handle it very well and feel bogged down with the weight of all the craziness that is abounding in our not yet redeemed world.


So I need to stay off the news sites.
And get sanctified by His Word.
Seriously.

Cause it's really craaazy out there, but my God is more than able to redeem and save.


“Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26 I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”


And it's my job just to stay in Him so that I will know the Father and be all full of that love that is happening in the Holy Amazing Trinity. So that the world may know....


Off to a leadership meeting tonight to continue to hear the Father concerning our present state of "transition". I have complete confidence that He will look after us if we stick really close to Him and get the unity thing happening.

Falling Gently

A grey misty day
Lowslung clouds and rain
and I lay tucked under my cozy blanket.

There are still so many leaves on the trees but gradually they are thinning
Middle of November and still so much color.
I see the golden wisps gently falling as the slightest breeze moves by
How lovely to have the fall move over the land so very slowly...
Entire orchards blaze into orange red  glory,
Drop their leaves and the next one is torched into gold
and so it goes until there are only colourful carpets beneath the branches.

Outside my window is a beautiful yellow glow from the maple tree and I lay here, warm and content.
Thankful for the opportunities to read, listen and visit and of course,
Prayer
Thoughts drop gently into my mind I am able to respond with prayers
Your Kingdom Come...
Your will be done
...Fill them with the knowledge of your will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding
...I pray that their love would abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight so they will be able to discern what is best.
And so on, releasing His glory and divine intervention.

At times it feels so small
These little words these little prayers.
But I have nothing else and no one else but Him
And this is what I know to do
And by this I please Him so I will continue.

Small story.
At church a woman shared with me a picture she had of me being struck in the chest by a large prehistoric  dinosaur kind of dragon with spikes - thinking this would have been the accident.  I concur.  But the dragon has a long tail with barbs and with this he torments me - flicking it at me now and again.  Yes.  With the AD and resulting high blood pressure episodes, spasms, deformity, migraines etc. it has felt like that at times.

She said I am boldly out front in prayer and I need to be covered.
Oh yes, I would like to be covered!

 So at Wednesday night prayer I waited till near the end and then dared to put my needs out there and the little group gathered round.

One man saw a picture of me juggling small sticks - seeming not to be very significant or spectacular but I was enjoying doing this.

Then the picture changed and the sticks became like fire brands which I juggled and there was like a Hawaiian war dance going on with a big army behind me.  The idea being that it is intense warfare and it is powerful.  As small and insignificant as it can seems, it is not.

One woman proclaimed the barbs and tail cut off the dragon which sounded good to me.

Another reminded me in prayer from Romans 8 that if God is for me who can be against me?

This is my truth and my shield.
God.
Always God,
And I will continue to pray as long as He gives me breath.

October Artistry

It's got to be one of the prettiest months of the year.

October.

The colors are a seriously amazing kaleidoscope of gold, red, yellow, orange that change day by day and when the sun shines on it all it's pretty close to paradise.  The picture above was taken late this afternoon just before the sun set.  October 31st and the roses are blooming!

The drive to and from school is totally a gift and I want to stop so often to take pictures of the orchards that have turned a glorious orange or yellow, or to capture the low lying clouds over the mountains.

The apples are thick on the trees and soon the pickers are busy, stripping the branches clean,
filling the giant bins that stand at the end of the rows.

So much beauty.

AND this month holds the date of my precious son's birth.

Along with Thanksgiving...

So very much to celebrate.  I peek out the front door and am blown away by the early morning light filtering through the bronze oak leaves...

Harvest, Life, Seasons,
Drives through the countryside just to feast our eyes on God's unbelievable goodness.
Divine Artist displaying His graces for our pure joy.

Mom and Elsie and I took a drive to Oyama and had so much fun with little Pupcake as we enjoyed a snack by the lake while we watched these men fishing in their little boat. 

And then on Thanksgiving Weekend our little household of girls went on a hike up to the trestles with the Gagnon's and our herd of dogs.  It was absolutely WONDERFUL to be out in the fresh air enjoying the outrageously beautiful outdoors!

A delightful evening to benefit a homeless shelter was enjoyed by Daniel and Patrice and I at the little stone church downtown.  Good music for a really good cause.  

What's not to love about October??!!  Even if I got one of the hardest letters I've received in a very, very long time and am feeling a mixture of fear and faith and anger and am wrestling to forgive.  And to forgive again.  And again...  I can rest in His GREAT LOVE and care for me. 

I can enjoy the beauty, I can swing my thoughts back to the King and His plans for me.  Which are goodness and mercy and righteousness.  

So glad I am able to pray.  Commanded to pray. Trust.  Worship.  

THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE AND I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!!  

Applied & Accepted

I don't know if I've mentioned here that I have applied for a school in Hawaii this winter.
For reals...
With fear and trepidation and excitement.

So, before I did so I made the rounds of making sure it was ok with people.
Like my Mom, and my brother.
And work.
That one was a big hurdle.
They didn't like it last winter when I took off for 12 days!!

So, for the number of hours a week I work and for how much I'm paid I was willing to go back to volunteering this year to be able to provide myself with an open door.
However, the Lord provided it for me, through my superior, Leah who went all out for me.
And I'm still on payroll.
She makes me feel so loved and cared for there at the school.
God just keeps me covered in so many ways.
He is seriously on my side.

At first I was hoping Patrice would come along and do some volunteering there, but she's staying home and I think I'm already missing her.

I've never done anything this big on my own since going away to Bible School when I was 18.
Especially since I'm so much more paralyzed when I travel.
I'm full of alot of questions and apprehensions.
But this is what faith looks like for me right now.

So I'm holding this all with loose hands.
Don't wanna go if I'm not supposed to be there.

However, on the other hand, I feel like I'm fulfilling a dream which has been waiting in my heart for many years.
Going to scout out the land in a sense and the Lord has provided a friend who is not afraid to ask questions on my behalf and figure things out with me.

So I'm not completely alone, I just won't have family with me which feels really odd.
I've been accepted to a school called Word by Heart which will involve a TON OF MEMORIZING.
Which takes a ton of faith.  Hah!

Anyways, I've read somewhere that anything is possible for those who believe!
So, I BELIEVE!

And if it works out this winter... if we can get the logistics sorted out and there is a place for me there... maybe I can go again someday.  And again...

Cause winter and wheelchairs and cold and my body don't all really get along that well.
Three months in a warm place during the winter would be outrageously wonderful.
I'm thinking, and hoping.
And praying and waiting.
(And dreaming...)