Failure... or Not

It's nearing the end of summer. I lay here in my sweet bedroom with the sun shining in through the window, trying to figure out my state of mind. I'm sort of trying to analyze my feelings and thoughts. I say "sort of" because part of me is too afraid to go there all the way.

I will begin by saying I didn't do really well with the difficult thing I last posted about. I feel like I just barely passed the test, if at all. It makes me disappointed with myself for not being a superstar, for not putting on a lovely show and making everybody feel good, including myself.

There just didn't seem to be anything in me to put on the show, so I ran away from home. I was afraid of the small talk, underlying tension and pretending. I just did the bare essentials and they were really really bare. Nobody said much of anything regarding the difficult thing, and the most honest I got was telling someone involved that I wasn't able to stay to converse because there was still too much pain inside of me. Now, I must wonder if that was because I didn't draw on God's strength to do the very hard thing in a brilliant way or if I was supposed to get more real with myself and those around me. I still don't know and I've talked this thing out with several people. I feel like I've let God down and I'm afraid of asking Him. I know that sounds crazy because He is my best friend, but I'm feeling a little cut off lately.

I've been in a funny place these last couple of years though. Running out of gas to do the simple things that used to bring me life and that were so easy to do. They also made me look good and people would comment on how impressed they were with me. (In a round about way of course) Now I realize it was all God's grace that allowed me to do any of it in the first place. A good realization, but humbling too. I am definitely feeling smaller and smaller, and more and more insignificant. Struggling with simple things and not feeling really spiritual or strong or disciplined.

Wondering if I've run out of gas because of a "lack" on my part, not fulfilling my part of the deal or if God is simply pulling me away from so many things and so much busyness into Himself. I do feel like I've been pulled away from things, but I don't feel pulled into God as a result and I wonder if that is my fault?

I must remind myself that He is jealous for my affection, amazingly enough. That He's not disappointed with me. That He just wants me to draw close to listen to His Heart and to love from a place of being loved. I trust that He will show me if I really screwed up and that He'll help me to make it right if I did. I do want to live more honestly though and that part felt good. I just need to make sure that my honest living is not misinterpreted if I don't communicate properly. We are to "speak the truth in love".

Jesus help me to do this. To speak the truth in love. To trust you enough to listen again and to rest in your adequacy. I'm just limping along and I want to be carried by you for awhile. Carried so close that I can hear your heartbeat and feel your breath and just know your awesome power to transform my mistakes and redeem my failures.

I'm asking you to wash me with your costly blood and tears so that my hard heart will soften and my fears will melt away.

A Hard Thing

I'm being asked by the Father to do a hard thing. A very hard thing indeed. I need to extend kindness and grace and hospitality to one who has deeply hurt me and my family. Amazing the feelings that spring up from some hidden place; not feelings of mercy, but of anxiety and resentment. Thankfully I know that though the enemy would now like to taunt me I can operate out of the mind of Christ and do that which is humanly impossible "through Christ who strengthens me"!! I don't have to rely on myself but must call on Him who is able to do "exceedingly and abundantly MORE than all I can even ask or imagine.

So Father, I'm asking for a miracle. That I would pass this test. That I would love as you have loved me and forgive as you have forgiven me.

I choose to roll out the welcome mat in the Spirit. I renounce the spirit of division and strife. I welcome the Spirit of Jesus.

Come Holy Spirit and guard my heart and my tongue. Come and be present in this place.

Strengthen me with your righteous right hand.

I thank you in advance for miracles, because you're in the business of making them happen!!

I just need to trust and obey...

Summer contentment

Summer has arrived. Not what I expected, but the warmth and restfulness is such a blessing. Blue skies and maple leaves waving outside my bedroom window, the orchard rich with growing apples and a million green leaves, lush landscapes and colorful wildflowers along the roadside. I love living in paradise...

The Spring passed quickly, amazingly enough, and God took such good care of me throughout the time that my dear daughter was experiencing Mexico and life apart from me with a whole new tribe. I was amazed at the grace God poured out on me - ocean of grace to discover that He truly is enough for me.

If I will let Him be.

The choice is mine of course. He stands ready and waiting to whisk me into His arms, to extend comfort, to lay with me and to lead me in paths of righteousness. It's not all about me of course, as much as I tend to secretly imagine. A line from Scripture that I speak often to others comes to speak to me...

"Godliness with contentment is a means of GREAT GAIN". Yes Karen, contentment even if I'm not the one having the adventure. Contentment even if it's just me and Jesus laying here on my bed together, in silence. Contentment even if I don't have something fantastic to anticipate in the near future. Contentment when there are so many unknowns and hours alone. Contentment in the midst of discomfort... It is possible! It is letting Jesus be the most important One.

So I'm slowly remembering that it's about blessing Him by blessing others. Bringing pleasure to Jesus through simple acts of kindness that don't feel really significant or super spiritual. Smile. Funny how I've made things complicated by forgetting that loving God and our neighbors are the commandments that Jesus said were the most important.

So, in this summer that is so quiet for me and so not what I had anticipated, help me to remember, precious Jesus that I can bless you through the simplest acts.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. (have I thanked you today Lord for the safe pasture I enjoy? I am so grateful...)
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37

I'm not quite sure what the desires of my heart are right now at this transitional period of my life, but thankfully God knows what they are. I'd almost be afraid of asking for the wrong thing, so I'll just ask that He would line up my desires with His....more and more and more. One thing I do know that I want, at least I hope I do..."for my inheritance give me the lost". Does that sound too big? Not for God in me.

Well, enough ramblings on this lazy summer afternoon. He is with me and that is enough.

Rescued!

Something that was looming off in the distance for the last year and a half has now grown very, very close...within arms reach actually. I have known for quite some time that my very dear daughter would be taking a trip to Mexico this Spring with her entire Grade 11 class. It was fun to dream about at a distance and to talk about, but some mornings I would wake up and want to cry with the reality that this trip was becoming. Suddenly there were scuba diving classes and immunizations and the funds had to be in. Now it is three sleeps away and I need to let go....and trust God on a whole new level! I am thrilled for her, but at the same time I had been wishing that I would have something exciting to look forward to as well to carry me through these weeks. I didn't know how or when God would provide for me but He has. I don't have to anticipate these weeks alone, because God has set me in the midst of a family in my very own home!

And He, once again, has exceeded my hopes and expectations!!

At the end of March my lovely neice, her vivacious husband and their two precious kids moved in with us!! It was a rescue for them and a rescue for me and we have all been thoroughly enjoying this little community living arrangement. It is temporary but oh so perfect and my cup is filled to overflowing! I awaken to the happy voices of small children chattering away in the kitchen and am greeted with cheery hellos and big smiles from the family when I emerge from my bedroom. I am blessed to have my own room to escape to if I need my quiet time and they completely respect my privacy. They love the great outdoors and the yard is perfect for the kids. I love the little faces pressed against my bedroom window smiling and asking if they are allowed to feed the cat or showing me the latest butterfly they caught.

I am amazed at how healing community can be. To have people to sit and visit with over meals...something so often taken for granted but so life giving and precious. Sharing responsibilies and rejoicing together over the beauty of springtime which is finally bursting out over the landscape. The incredible joy of having small children exclaiming over the miracles of everyday life which we would otherwise miss.

Thankfully this is a very talkative and interactive bunch so I fit in just fine! Perhaps my introverted daughter is overwhelmed at times, but I feel right at home!! I am so grateful to God for this season and can see my future in a new light having experienced this richness. It won't always be this easy and delightful, but for now I will say THANKYOU and will continue to trust God for all the different seasons of life that are yet to unfold. He has proved Himself so faithful and so kind at a time when I really needed to be encircled and loved.

Well Loved

It was my birthday on Sunday!! Again! I celebrated with a picnic in my big backyard, inviting a wonderful assortment of family & friends, old and young, those known long and those more recently acquainted . Of course the guest of honor was Jesus and I made sure to ask Him to be there. He was, flowing like oil and wine, bringing joy and life.

We prayed, we sang, we ate and tasted of God's richest gifts. Relationships, friendships, love and laughter, food and fellowship in the grand outdoor cathederal. A frosty, overcast spring morning finally thawed into a warm afternoon when a few rays of sun broke through and we were able to enjoy our time together on the back patio. Children running and laughing. Teenagers huddled together on the trampoline, a group roasting marshmallows around the fire, and others on lawn chairs enjoying the tasty fare.

It brings me such joy to bring people together, to have celebrations in and around my home, to see people discovering each other and enjoying community. So that was my gift...Jesus moving in us and amongst us. The saved and the not yet saved, mingling together so that we could "taste and see that the Lord is GOOD!".

Flowers, gifts, cards and hugs...friends serving selflessly to make sure my party was a success. I am so very well loved. My precious parents & family members arriving and seeking me out to shower me with love. My amazing and dearly loved friends surrounding me and reminding me of how rich I am. So undeserving, yet well loved, nonetheless. So much grace...

A celebration of life. A celebration of Jesus... family, love, community, laughter... We choose to carve out times to celebrate as we journey along on this uncertain road leading to a sure and certain place. Oh the great joy of that knowledge.

Thank you Jesus. I welcome change & I welcome Your plans for this year. I want to bring You pleasure. I want to be Your friend and to learn to walk with you and not just try to live for you. Big aspirations but I have a very big God living inside little me. All things are possible, you said, so I am asking and looking forward to receiving.

Oh to be, a friend of God...

Low Ebb

Kinda funny....I haven't done a post in ever so long so I thought it was time to re-enter the blogger's world. However, upon trying to locate my blog, I was unable to do so. I had to look on my friend's site to find the reference to mine! Then when i tried to enter I discovered that I had forgotten the password. My goodness. So now I have a new password.

I was just wanting to explain that my life has felt like it's been on low ebb these past weeks. Perhaps these past months, when I come to think of it. Maybe even longer! I'm so glad that I don't have to perform for God or I'd be in big trouble. There's so little energy most days to do even the simplest things. But He Loves me!

And thus I continue to swim in oceans of grace. Ever so grateful.

God gave a wonderful time of respite during our trip to Hawaii and YWAM in February. It was more than I could have hoped for. Incredibly rich in beauty, relationships, teaching and worship. I am amazed when I think of how deeply I drank of the Lord's goodness and kindness during that time. I felt so loved, so connected and so hopeful. Old friendships were rekindled and new ones started. The Father reminded me again and again that I need not worry, just rest and trust and wait on Him.

So I returned home with my head held high and great expectation in my heart. I found great encouragement in the fact that this year on the Jewish calendar is somehow translated into the year of a new life cycle. I welcome that with all my heart!! I am ready for new beginnings and am eager to see what the Lord has in store. I'm needing something to pull me forward and to give me motivation...

There has been change in the wind for some time for me, but it hasn't yet been revealed what it will look like.

Letting go of this latest stage of mothering "children" has been exceedingly painful. I am so glad that Patrice is still at home with me, but I have mostly found in her an excellent friend, an equal in many ways and an emerging adult. So I must brace myself for her upcoming 6 week school trip to Mexico and ultimately for her moving on in God's paths where she will no longer be physically so close to me.

So perhaps grieving has had something to do with the "low ebb" I have felt, even though it's a normal, healthy letting go.

I'm so thankful for my students at the school who give me a reason to get up and get going every morning! It's been fun and hugely fulfilling to watch the lights go on in these ones who previously found reading to be their Mount Everest. What a gift to spend time with them and to watch them labour so diligently and then start to READ!! What a lovely miracle to behold and to be a part of.

And so I continue on. To wait on God to fill up my tank, to bring resolution to those places in my life that are feeling unfinished, and praying that He will "restore to me the joy of my salvation". (Psalm 51)

It doesn't feel very clear, but I know He holds my future and my today. So I humbly wait. Unable to be a superstar of any sort. But I know that I carry presence of the Living God within this broken humble frame. And that is enough. May I bring pleasure to His heart.

Purpose

The day is bright. Winter is here in her full glory. Snow... stark branches revealing a broad landscape. Blue skies and crisp cold air. Wispy clouds over snow capped hills. Brave birds looking for food and chirping in spite of the scarce fare.

Much to my delight and surprise I'm enjoying winter. I had declared not long ago that I HATED winter, but God rescued me and I am able to enjoy the season despite the increased darkness and cold.

I marvel sadly how long it has been since I have posted anything here. It would cross my mind on occasion, but somehow I've discovered that I am not one who can consistently pump out daily editorials such as I find on other blogs that I visit. My admiration for these ones has grown and I must be content with my abilities and the waxing and waning of energy which dictates my schedule.

Part of the reason I believe for my lack of energies invested here is that I have begun to TEACH!! My mind has been busied in a new direction and my days, thankfully, have more structure and purpose. The course that I began to study this summer to help those with dyslexia and reading lag has led me into a different world which has broadened my horizons.

I have had the privilege of working with three students who have enriched my life and whom I have been able to practically help. We have such fun together (when the lessons are not too overwhelmingly exhausting for them) and I find that this is actually about much more than helping kids to decode words. What a privlege to be able to listen to their hearts and to speak encouragement into these precious ones who struggle with something most of us take completely for granted. In turn, their friendship and trust has warmed my heart and given me hope. Interacting with their families has also enriched my life and increased my admiration for those who pour out immense energy and love on their struggling children.

I have been humbled by my lack of experience and meager knowledge, but God has partnered me with the designer of the program who speaks constant encouragment into me and who sees who I will become rather than how little I presently know. Our common desire to love Jesus in practical ways by helping others is a great common denominator and her patience with me and infectious optimism in this program is such a gift to me. Despite my stumbling along and inexperienced efforts I have seen much improvement in my students which leads me to want to know more and to continue on with this discipline. I am trusting that what God has begun, He will use for His glory as I continue to push myself to increase my knowledge and understanding of the myriad of ways that different minds learn and how to match their learning styles with suitable teaching!

So, that's where I've been. In the midst of all of that I've had a most delightful Christmas season with many celebrations and gatherings in my home. Singing of carols with family around the tree, delicious feasts, laughter, gifts, games and fabulous friends. I am rich beyond compare. I am grateful to the Father of Lights for coming into this dark world and setting my heart aflame with passion for Him. I'm thankful for the new beginnings I am experiencing and for those which are yet to come!