Jubilee Year

My sister turned fifty last Thursday and I'm just so grateful that she's alive!! Honestly, this year has been one of the hardest I've ever seen her walk through, wondering at times if she'd make it. I was so honored to be able to host her 50th birthday party. She was anxious leading up to it, but God just moved in and arranged the whole thing. It was one of the sweetest evenings we've enjoyed for a long time. The family gathered along with some precious friends and together we celebrated her fifty years and the gift that she is to us. God's presence was tangible - and there was joy all over my sweet sister! She radiated life - ah, answered prayers...long in coming, and still in process, but visible.

The evening was perfect...nice enough to sit outsite munching on goodies, watching the kids play on the trampoline, enjoying the beauty, mountains and big sky... Inside Elsie was playing her guitar, surrounded by flowers, balloons, gifts and cakes. Around her there was a group singing old worship choruses and lifting up the name of Jesus. He's the One - He is life - truly, "in Him we live and move and have our being". May we be more aware of this - living to honor the King. Living to love.

Elsie is really good at loving. And I've been the recipient of her kindness and love for as long as I've been alive. A more generous or devoted sister I would be hard pressed to find.

So I give thanks to the Father. For life, for family, for friends to celebrate with and for my wonderful sister... May this be a year of Jubilee for her.

there's WAY MORE!!!

Oh AGGRaVAtion!!

I was so pleased with myself, thinking I had sorted through all of my cassette tapes yesterday. However, upon sneaking back down into that dangerous storage room today I found MORE BOXES of cassettes. ARGHH. Really, if I haven't needed them in these last five years then I probably won't be needing them now. But I made the mistake of looking at a few of them and suddenly they seemed more important. What is with that?

I should let somebody else do this for me.

sorting & simplifying

I spent the day going through a huge box of old correspondance. Hundreds and hundreds of letters and cards sent or given to me over the years. Whew!! I'm still not through sorting and disposing, but am almost there. Trying to figure out how to keep a remnant of memories without all the bulk. The many seasons of life represented...

birthdays...so many already!!!
postcards from far flung friends
romantic cards, letters and notes,
leading to shower, wedding and anniversary cards
congratulations on the birth of baby cards...leading to
"I love you mommy & daddy cards"

the many many notes and cards following "the accident"
messages of hope and prayers from countless people,
some I didn't even know, but they took the time to pray and write

what a legacy
one life, documented in a box full of messages from others
tangible evidence of love

Hard to believe I would throw it away, but where does one store all of this goodness?
In my heart. Hopefully my memory won't fail me and I'll keep enough to remember that I have been well loved through all the seasons.

there are no stacks of cards mourning the loss of the marriage...
but lots of support - written and unwritten.

May I support others and bless them in the way that i have been supported and blessed.

So I will continue to sort and simplify. I will take none if it with me, but it's still hard to part with sentimental things.
I'm far too much of a "keeper" and at the age of 45 the piles of stuff have grown uncomfortably large.

I feel drained & emotionally spent, but gratified to have worked through so much. I hope I stay on this track and keep working through other boxes that are sitting in the basement. I KNOW we weren't put here on this earth to accumulate all this stuff!

May I learn to live more simply.
Doing what Jesus said I should be doing: loving God and loving my neighbour.

thankful

"What are you doing tomorrow night?"

The words hang in the air as I ponder the implications of this question asked by my son. Does he really want to set aside an evening to be with me? I have missed him terribly since he's moved out. I've cried and I've tried to give him wings as gracefully as possible. I've seen him in passing and had scattered moments with him. One blessed afternoon he fell asleep beside me here after stopping in for something. Precious moments that I relished. A mother's heart is rarely satisfied when it comes to time spent with her children. Especially after they've grown and left home. A new experience for me. Again. There are so many of them in this life of change.

So I prepared salmon & salad and my children and I enjoyed a dinner together. Together. The word means more to me now that our family unit has changed and I am finding myself alone more often. Not really alone - I know my Jesus never leaves me, but I like it when He shows up with skin on!

Dinner was followed by laughter as I watched the kids dance to DDR and enjoy each other. Precious moments. Then some relaxed time on the couch just talking. Just talking about what's going on in his life now that it is no longer coinciding with mine on a regular basis. He's getting so grown up. More thoughtful. More mature. I'm so proud of him. I love my kids so much it actually hurts sometimes. I've taken so much for granted. So I want to say thank you to Jesus for these simple pleasures. I am rich. I am loved. I have family.

I am thankful.

A Cup of Water

The Lord reminded me today of the great importance of little things...small acts of obedience. I've been pondering my life as of late - as more and more things have dropped out of my schedule for numerous reasons, I now am left doing very little. Or so it seems. And I don't seem to have the wherewithal to add anything to my schedule. Lack of motivations? Lack of energy? Lack of vision...

It's certainly NOT lack of time. I have far too much of that on my hands. Makes me wish I had had more children when it was the season to do so. At least I'd have SOMETHING to keep me busy and make me feel...valuable and important. I must say that I do realize at some place in my reasoning that it's not what we do that makes us important...that being is more important than doing...yada yada. But it's not helping me on a practical level to deal with this new stage in my life. The almost empty nest syndrome coupled with being without a spouse coupled with my disability.... Leaves me feeling vulnerable and afraid. Afraid of the future. Not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing. Wanting to have something important to occupy my time and give me a feeling of validation.

It's very kind of the Lord to pull away so many of my "props" and to leave me naked and exposed... It doesn't feel kind at all but I know He's making me face up to some important questions. It was much easier to talk my spiritual talk and spout verses when I was busy and involved in ministries and people's lives in an active and productive way. I'm having to face up to Revelation 3:15-20 on a very personal level.

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor
hot. I wish you were either one or the other!...You say, 'I am rich; I
have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that
you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy
from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to
wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes so
you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline."

I want to make a difference in the world. I want to please Jesus - at least I think I do...but I'm awfully fond of my comfortable life. I'm used to being in control of my schedule and having enough of everything. So maybe, on a gut level I want to please myself more. And Jesus is showing this to me. And I don't like seeing it. I've realized that in desiring to go and work in an orphanage somewhere in the world, maybe I'm just trying to keep myself busy enough so that I don't have to face up to my own selfishness. That I'll feel better about myself and can be proud of the fact that I'm doing something to help out the "poor"...

So Jesus keeps me here at home. Doing what seems to be very little. He wants me to get my motivation right. So that I will stop doing things for recognition. He wants to be everything to me. I know I love Him...but am I still like the immature maiden in the first four chapters of Song of Solomon who is simply enjoying Jesus because of what He does for her? I want my love to deepen. And I know that the little suffering that I have been privileged to endure has allowed me to test my love for Jesus somewhat. At least it's left me knowing that it's Him or nothing. I can't do this life thing without Him!

So today He spoke to me of the importance of little things. Like making a phone call to someone who isn't on my regular phone list, but who needs to talk and is delighted to get a call. Like writing a card of encouragement to someone I know who could really use the validation and love that it might bring. Like speaking words of kindness and blessings to someone who needs to hear how valuable they are to me and to God. Like visiting someone in a nursing home and spending an hour just being with them... Simple things. Small things. Cups of water given out in Jesus' Name.

I was given a prophetic word quite some years ago now, and in it, the man spoke these words over me "cups and cups and cups and cups and cups and cups of water...." I don't remember the rest of the word exactly, but he was basically saying that this would be something I would do - give out cups of water in my life. The "Barnabas" anointing I guess - being an encourager.

I've pondered this word and it makes more and more sense to me when I look at my life and my giftings. In a marathon there are the runners who seem to be the stars of the show. The crowds are cheering them on and they are running with great endurance, just trying to reach the finish line and to get there first if possible. Usually along the route there will be people at the sidelines who hand out cups of water to the runners as they go panting by. Now, the "water people" are not really recognized in any special way for their service, but it's quite vital that they are there. Without them, the runners most likely would not be able to keep running or finish the race.

I am thankful that the Lord gave this word to me to look back upon. It has helped me along the way to remember that a cup of water given out in His Name is hugely valuable. It may not make the headlines, and maybe no one will ever even thank us for that "cup of refreshment" but it makes a difference. A small phrase spoken at the right time can change someone's life. It can literally save someone's life. We need encouragement and affirmation almost as much as we need water!

So I will trust God to take care of my future as I simply learn again to "trust and obey". To give out those cups of water and to receive my affirmation from my Father. It's a journey - learning to trust Him at a deeper level now that the props are gone - but what a cool opportunity to see HIM move on my behalf.

"And if anyone gives a cup of cold water to one of
these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will
certainly not lose his reward."

Matthew 10:42

Fun in the SUN

Summer is most definitely here - hot, sunny days....YEEHAW!! I love the warmth, I love how the earth responds, with colors and sounds and growth galore. I've been planting flowers!!! So glad that the desire to do so even came back to me. I had felt so much winter in my bones & in my soul that I didn't know when I'd finally get the urge to shop for pretty flowers and dig around in the earth planting again.

...But it's here!! The joy of digging holes, soaking them with water and popping the sweet little plants in - eager for the explosion of growth that is sure to come. (That is, if Jewel will leave the flowers where they are!! I've already had to replant several of my petunias due to Jewel's desire to sleep in my flower bed. Sheesh.) I must say I am glad she is well enough to be digging and isn't laying around looking half dead anymore. Now that I know she has arthritis I have arranged her little bottles of supplements and I am administering them to her with her breakfast. Glucosamine, Cod Liver Oil and enteric coated Aspirin. I NEVER thought I'd be doing this with an animal, but it sure beats watching her in agony.

I have my little vegetable garden arranged - oh so cute. It's going to turn into a jungle most likely because I squished so many plants into such a small area but that's okay. It's just so much fun. My little cucumber plant has a trellis to climb on, my strawberries are waiting to ripen, raspberries have blossomed and are doing something... two tomato plants, chives, and basil are happily basking in the warmth and I am keeping them moist. (Dragging that heavy hose around again and hurting my elbow in the process but I just can't seem to help myself!!)

Tonight Becci came over with her two little people and we had great fun. Niko running through the sprinkler in his sweet nakedness, Alexia riding on the mower on Patrice's lap, Jewel and Mr. Tumness happy to have our company outside. The heat was intense today and the sun sets as I sit here typing. A pretty pinky purple glow has settled on the mountains and the earth breaths a sigh of relief to have some hours of reprieve from the heat.

I'm grateful to be enjoying the season. Grateful not to feel the heaviness and to have joy - even in the midst of unsettledness and transition and pain. Hope is stirring. Thank you Jesus for the most profound and simple pleasures that you provide. I always want to have eyes to see them and a heart that is pouring forth gratefulness. You are indeed very, very good and kind.

Hour of Power

Heard about the World Day of Prayer and decided to join with the 24/7 prayer being held in the 10 days leading up to it. Found the church, followed the signs and ended sitting in front of a few stairs. Sigh. I decided to stay and pray in another room which the receptionist graciously opened for me. As soon as I entered the room and postured myself for prayer the Spirit of the Living God fell on me and the tears began to flow.

Intercession - standing in the gap...

Connecting people and situations who need Jesus to the Source. What an incredible responsibility and privilege we have been given. I'm just grateful that it's not all up to us - that Jesus is our ultimate Intercessor and we just partner in with Him.

I had noticed a group meeting in the room next to me - and as I was praying I began to hear them lifting their voices to the Creator. The sounds and words were so beautiful to me. Lifting up petitions with loud cries and passion. Oh the beauty of humble men and women crying out on behalf of others. I began to join in agreement with their prayers, voicing my amens. Suddenly someone would break out into a song - an old chorus and the others would join in. I could tell it was an older crowd and I was basking in the beauty and safety of the generation before me paving the way.

As I left the church I asked the receptionist about the group I was hearing and she said it was the Seniors, gathering for their "Hour of Power". WOW!! I just love that. Very aptly named. A few white heads gathered in a room, shaking miracles out of heaven with their cries.

Unfortunately I did not go back. Stairs do that to me. And right now it seems I don't have the energy to deal with it. I am in such an apathetic state, wanting to run with God in the high places, but finding myself in a very dry and dusty low place. Can't figure out if it's chastising or pruning, but I believe it's the latter. I'm just so frustrated that I can't seem to rouse myself to movement. I want to have a mission, to have vision again, to be busier!! Isn't that nuts? Usually people long for seasons like this - seasons of rest and quiet, but it's been too restful and too quiet for too long!! I feel like I'm in LIMBO LAND! And I don't like it here! (Okay, I'm starting to grumble now, but I'm glad to read in the Psalms that David did his fair share of complaining to God as well.)

I am, however, very aware of the fact that Jesus is well aware of my station in life at this time. And He reminds me to rest and to wait on Him. In the meanwhile I know I need to simply do the good that is before me. Small acts of obedience ..."to obey is better than sacrifice".

So I plod on. Jesus please open my eyes to the ways that I can do what's on Your heart for me today. To love those that you put before me and to seek you above all else.